Brand Unicorn

Pyramids, onions, keys. All of them ways of expressing your 'brand architecture'. They are all different, but exactly the same: someone in the marketing dept. gets in a tizz about it, you spend months doing it, the CEO approves it then it's laminated and stuck on a wall in the 4th floor & no-one  ever looks at it again.

All that is set to change with my new branding tool, the Brand Unicorn(TM).  It is really great. Any idiot can use it and any idiot can see why it's great.  It will work for you whether you own an ice-cream shop on the South Downs called "Betty's Whips" or whether you are IBM/Unilever.

If you are not an idiot but wish to introduce the BrandUnicorn (TM) into your marketing department, I am very happy to come and explain it to any idiots you may have in your team. My day rate is $2,000 and I am worth every penny.

Here goes.

Motivation

"Be your dreams!".  "A friend just knows."  "Do what you love. Love what you do."

And so it goes on. Every day Pinterest, the dank walls of lightless cubicles and the Facebook pages of someone you met a 'bonding awayday' in 2009 become ever-more densely filled with pictures of bridges, kittens, wisftul looking ladies on beaches or verdant forest paths covered in 'inspiring words'.

They are not inspiring. They are rubbish. Half of them don't make sense, and most of them are signed "anon",  or "unknown" or with the names of people who made their fortune writing Hallmark greeting cards.  The ones that are attributed to someone you have heard of do not sound probable. For e.g.:

"Reach for the Stars!"
Winston Churchill

"Be the reason someone smiles today"
 Charles Dickens

"One day someone is going to hug you so tight all your broken pieces will stick together."
Jane Austen

This is all rubbish, so I have invented some motivational posters that will help negotiate the bore-infested workplace that you, dear reader and/or fan are forced to negotiate every day. OK here goes.

A perennial classic. Useful in the seconds before you are tempted to report/send email about/complain about/punch Work Arsehole. He is Work Arsehole. Everyone can see it. You do not have to point it out. You will rise above it and behave with dignity and restraint like the grownup you are.

Uncharacteristic sensitivity to swear-wary readers here with the asterisks replacing the UNT, but 2 "cunts" are probably too many in one day. Anyhow, this is very useful if you are in a long meeting with a man talking about laddering up, circling back, touching base, etc.  You probably shouldn't say it out loud with your mouth, but you could print this out and put it in the back of your notebook. Or remember it in your head.

Not sweary, but useful - especially if your walk along a suspiciously well-tended path in an verdant glade is marred by worry about Jackson in accounts is saying about you to Jacquii in IT.   Who cares.  Really.

A classic, originally (apparently) from Poland.
Useful if you are witness to Grade A fuckwittery that isn't really any of your business and/or if you are the type to be irritated by inefficiency, bad decisions etc that are bound to turn out badly.  I now say this out loud a lot, having spent quite a long time involving myself in things that I wasn't actually being given money to do. Life is very relaxing now. 

What I won't be doing in 2014

Yes. It is 2014. Here are the things I will continue not to do this year:

• "Work on" myself, unless in expected and/or polite ways, e.g. trimming ladygarden when wearing hotpants, bleaching moustache, cleaning intimate areas with damp flannel before going out on hot days, etc
• Have an "attitude of gratitude" or claim to be "digging deeper"
• Wear undercrackers of any brand other than the Sloggis that go up to your waist and are 3% elastic
• Do the Namaste bow/greeting thing
• Eat cucumber
• Enjoy the oeuvre of Sting
• Get rid of the itch in my ear which is EITHER eczema OR ear dandruff*
• Use up all my laser hair removal vouchers (paid in full c. 2010) despite moustache and hotpants (see above)
• Pick up stuff I leave on the floor (e.g. bits of paper, fluff, safety pins, etc) 
• Eat enough fish.

What will you continue not to do this year?

* Mike on 'The Shahs of Sunset' was diagnosed with ear dandruff and it looked pretty much like what I have. Having enjoyed a quick search of said affliction on Google I discovered that a) dandruff is a fungus (or 'champignon' in French), and b) you treat it with clotrimazole, which informed readers know is what is in the Canesten you use when you are trying to treat your chuff itch.

5 things. 6th April

1. I only really like Pinterest now (and Facebook for looking at pictures of ex-colleagues whose names I don't remember at other peoples' weddings).   All you need to do is look at pictures.  My idea is that it functions on the basis that "a picture speaks a thousand words", i.e. one picture of a person dressed as a fluffy dog with a fluffy dog on a lead = 4 mediocre web-blog posts from me about nothing in particular.  If you would like to see my collections of images of people dressed as animals and animals dressed as people, you can look at them here.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.
   
2. At work, the newspapers and articles and internet 'experts' & other things we have to read to do our jobs talk about 'digital natives' and Generation I (not sure how we got there from Y but no matter, I do not decide these things). These are the 2-year-olds who are on your iPad posting reviews of the latest Dora the Explorer & 'accidentally' buying ponies online.  I don't understand why people are still talking about this like it's something amazing - it's not.
   
3. What is terrifying, however, is the fact that 70% of children under 10 contribute to decisions made around 'major household purchases'.  This is far more terrifying to me than 2 year olds on iPads.  In my mind, it is always the 70s, and small children are in Fair Isle jumpers on the compost heap at the bottom of the garden playing with sticks and worms, not contributing to a lively debate about whether or not the next family holiday will be in St Barts or 'Turks' (whatever the fuck that is) over a delicious kale salad.   I will not link to the blog in question, but apparently children like this truly do exist and here is the proof:
   
   
   

   The other night, he exclaimed “Goodness Gracious!  This salad is delicious!  I love it!!!”  And yesterday, as he chowed down another big bowl of kale salad, he said with bulging eyes “Mama! I can’t stop!  This is so delicious!”

   
   Christ on a bike.
   
4. I do however  want a version of Gogglebox that is the viewer watching the viewers of the TV programmes. It could go on indefinitely, like those halls of mirrors. If you are in the yew-kay (or can do something tricky so 4oD thinks you are), you can watch it here.  I find it very funny.
   
5. Alice and Chris off of the Archers are talking like Canada like it is the promised land. They need to be very careful about this, & they also need to be aware that if they are going to Vancouver they are not going to be able to 'live in a house', set up a horseshoeing shop, or go skiing every night (unless Alice is going to be paid $500,000 a year).   My only regret is that it's not theTomArcherbrand going to Canada. The bit of Canada that is Nunavut where there are airports that have no roads in and out of them. That part of Canada.

*NB We will be laughing our tits off at the quaint charm of "Pinterest", "Facebook", "Instagram" and "iPhone" in about 3 months' time, but bear with me for the (transient, everything shall come to dust) moment.

5 Things. 19th March

1. Have no 'staying power' & am no good at doing anything for long* (for e.g. cannot keep up just writing 5 things down every day) because forget or get bored or bore myself.
2. Find self quite uninteresting, which is not to say I think I am boring (not my decision to make anyway).  Do not want to sit around wondering what people think of me, what I think of myself, my inner workings motivations etc etc etc as frankly there are other things to think about, e.g. why O why are there only 8 series of 'Entourage', why is Ari Gold in a beard on ITV on Sunday nights and when Ari Gold is on ITV on Sunday nights, where are Johnny Drama, Turtle, Vince, E, etc? Apparently there's a film coming, that's good, don't think Adrian Grenier will be a better actor but Ari Gold will be in it.
3. Have not been writing 5 things, birthday cards, cleaning house etc as have been watching 'Entourage' since 18 February.
4. Always with the snow. I mean really it has been "at it" all day long. Is always the same. It heats up (i.e. -1) for a week and all the East Coast Canadians scream (nothing on West coast, only rain and people saying 'thank you' on busses), and run around in bikinis then the clouds come again and you wake up in the morning and it's 7am and you think, that's odd, why's it still dark and why is there no noise anywhere, and you look out of the window and it's 3ft deep and January again. Meanwhile, on the Archers, spring has sprung and Tom Archer is still talking about his ready meals and Pat and Tony are still talking about their fucking 'organic brand'. Everyone on the Archers has to stop talking about 'marketing strategy' etc. I am losing my mind.
5. Found a rug in the cellar that I like that has been eaten by Canadian moths. Will wash it & put it out and say Yes it is an Antique from PERSIA 14th century I think & see if anyone can tell. Maybe they will think, she is from Europe everything is old there, crusted in dust.

* Apart from watching 'Entourage'

Five (5) Things. OSCAR NITE

1. John Travola Lego hair.
2. Michelle Obama, what a smasher.
3. Very proud of English ladies winning prizes for costume design and makeup and barely bothering to dress up at all. Makeup and hair ladies looked like they had got their outfits and hairdos at Debenhams.
4. See Jack Nicholson, start laughing immediately.
5. Sets, out of the 70s, designed by Siegfried and Roy, j'en suis convaincu.

Five (5) Things, Thursday 21 February

1. Americans who clap themselves. Why?
2. Extreme Home Makeover. Mawkish drivel run by a man with hair product. In it, people run and clap at the same time and everyone does high-fives. I hate it, and yet it makes me cry. Sometimes the people go 'WOOOOO' and every 12th word is 'community'. Then everyone hugs each other.
3. Accidental biscuits. The last box of Dorset Cereals Muesli in the Four Brothers shop of a type I cannot remember, but it was not eat-able as a cereal because it was 80% nuts and dried fruits inc. dates. I made Australian biscuit things out them off their website but: olive oil instead of butter, 2/3 of the sugar, maple syrup instead of treacle, chopped up crystallised ginger, self raising flour instead of plain flour and fuck me if they weren't delicious.  The odd thing is that despite their pretty packaging and claims to be 'green' (yawn) etc etc I am not really that interested in Dorset Cereals and I am not any more likely to buy their product again (the porridge in a pouch stuff is vile) but this time it was good. 
4. If Cadbury dropped a bubbly bar on my head attached to a parachute, however, I'd snap it up.
5. I just don't understand why I haven't got a dog. It doesn't make any sense. 

Five (5) Things. Wednesday 20 February

1. Am extravagantly rude to downstairs neighbour, who I dislike. Spend some time wondering if I regret it (sinking to his level, future relationship, wall we both need to pay for, etc), and realise, no, I do not regret it one jot, for he is a cock and the broken wall is bigger than the both of us.
2. Wash Parka. Parka comes out of tumbler-dryer (as I wish it were called) and the zip has fallen off, plus the hoodhair (raccoon I think - washing rat, as it is known in French Canada) has gone stiff round the edge. It is no good to me anymore, but it is too late in the winter to justify another one, so I am going around in an old one that is tight looking like a fat centipede with all his legs tucked in (apart from the 2 back ones he is walking on).
3. Conversation with a man who does not blink for 43 minutes. Can't work out why he is so strange, then realise he has an MBA. 
4. Wonder out loud when House of Throne Cards is on.
5. Tell someone I have been to 'the Two Brothers supermarket'. It is actually called the 'Four Brothers Supermarket'. 
6. Read a lot about British supermarkets. Feel like I am there. Talk a lot about Britain with some Canadians (for my job) and then think about it a lot for the rest of the day, i.e. do we want to live there or not. Sometimes I feel like this, then I think about how it's nearly Spring in the England now, and in the Canada there is still snowstorms and even when it melts, the papers and telly will still be rubbish.

Five (5) Things. Sunday 17th February

1. I like "Real Housewives" programmes a lot. I am confused, though, about the surgery. If you look at Beverley Hills housewives, their facial 'attentions' are relatively subtle. If you look at the Vancouver ladies, you wonder if they have eyes in their heads. Their faces are still, so still and glossy, and their little puffy mouths move in the stillness. They surely do not watch back the episodes of "Real Housewives" that they are in, for if they did, they would notice it - unless they are all blind. 
2. Taking of Vancouver, watched a programme in which some people from Vancouver were preparing to take up a job offer in the Isle of Man. The programme was about moving houses. I watched a bit of it (for nothing is funnier than watching North Americans looking at British style houses - "is that the walk-in closet?" when looking at the withdrawing room, for e.g.), but it seemed inconclusive and they moved into a house with a stiff window.
3. Talking of Vancouver (again), I went there last year for a bit. All the people say 'thank you' to the bus drivers. It rains a lot. The setting is strange, when you can see it (when it's not raining), for there are mountains at the end of the road. I saw an old friend who I could have talked to all night, and rented an apartment from a tiny English man in a polyester mix suit who had "a position in an IT business".  I wasn't sure about it at all, but we got drunk at the Christmas fair and ate a huge sausage in an arm-length roll.
4. Listened to 1984 on the radio on the train (on my Apple Macintosh "Walkman") and shrieked when Winston and Julia got caught 'at it'. All the people on the train looked at me. I was not ashamed. 
5. Had a nice scone with oats it for breakfast and a bit of bread with hazelnuts and cranberries in it. I think the scone was from the man out of the Guardian. The other one is a recipe by Sybil Kapoor, who is a genius, and who wrote a book for the National Trust called Simply Baking.  This is a book that is owned by everyone who shops in Waitrose a lot.  People who own dogs index at 189 against it.  Do not ask me how they work out Indexes. I have never understood it. 
6. Finally (6), here is a product that allows you to have a nice little sleep at your desk undetected and undisturbed. Where this product has been all my life I couldn't tell you, but no matter - it is here, and I shall use it.  Nighty night ! (Or not!)

Five (5) Things. Friday 15th February (+1)

1. Didn't realise it is the week it is. Thought the big thing was a week away. It is on Monday. Thought for a long time along the lines of 'just as well' etc (while leaning back in chair and bouncing) as am hopeless without some small bit of pressure due to imminent deadline. All those people who plan ahead and have their presentation done 4 days early are weird. 
2. Read a bit of a book about industrial psychology. I like this behavioural economics malarkey. You know, don't worry about the price of things it is if someone says 'hello' that is important. Very good. Carry on. 
3. Not sure about sweet potato in soup if it's not blended. Strange. Not sure why I don't like it. 
4. Phoned someone up and sang "I just called to say I love you".
5. Got train. Surprised by man opposite, hugely tall, face like a cottage loaf with eyes made of tiny currants and feet like the pointy shoes in Vic 'n' Bob, talking proudly with the voice of a young girl.