- I only really like Pinterest now (and Facebook for looking at pictures of ex-colleagues whose names I don't remember at other peoples' weddings). All you need to do is look at pictures. My idea is that it functions on the basis that "a picture speaks a thousand words", i.e. one picture of a person dressed as a fluffy dog with a fluffy dog on a lead = 4 mediocre web-blog posts from me about nothing in particular. If you would like to see my collections of images of people dressed as animals and animals dressed as people, you can look at them here. I don't think you'll be disappointed.
- At work, the newspapers and articles and internet 'experts' & other things we have to read to do our jobs talk about 'digital natives' and Generation I (not sure how we got there from Y but no matter, I do not decide these things). These are the 2-year-olds who are on your iPad posting reviews of the latest Dora the Explorer & 'accidentally' buying ponies online. I don't understand why people are still talking about this like it's something amazing - it's not.
- What is terrifying, however, is the fact that 70% of children under 10 contribute to decisions made around 'major household purchases'. This is far more terrifying to me than 2 year olds on iPads. In my mind, it is always the 70s, and small children are in Fair Isle jumpers on the compost heap at the bottom of the garden playing with sticks and worms, not contributing to a lively debate about whether or not the next family holiday will be in St Barts or 'Turks' (whatever the fuck that is) over a delicious kale salad. I will not link to the blog in question, but apparently children like this truly do exist and here is the proof:
The other night, he exclaimed “Goodness Gracious! This salad is delicious! I love it!!!” And yesterday, as he chowed down another big bowl of kale salad, he said with bulging eyes “Mama! I can’t stop! This is so delicious!”
- I do however want a version of Gogglebox that is the viewer watching the viewers of the TV programmes. It could go on indefinitely, like those halls of mirrors. If you are in the yew-kay (or can do something tricky so 4oD thinks you are), you can watch it here. I find it very funny.
- Alice and Chris off of the Archers are talking like Canada like it is the promised land. They need to be very careful about this, & they also need to be aware that if they are going to Vancouver they are not going to be able to 'live in a house', set up a horseshoeing shop, or go skiing every night (unless Alice is going to be paid $500,000 a year). My only regret is that it's not theTomArcherbrand going to Canada. The bit of Canada that is Nunavut where there are airports that have no roads in and out of them. That part of Canada.
Saturday, April 06, 2013
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 1:37 am
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
- Have no 'staying power' & am no good at doing anything for long* (for e.g. cannot keep up just writing 5 things down every day) because forget or get bored or bore myself.
- Find self quite uninteresting, which is not to say I think I am boring (not my decision to make anyway). Do not want to sit around wondering what people think of me, what I think of myself, my inner workings motivations etc etc etc as frankly there are other things to think about, e.g. why O why are there only 8 series of 'Entourage', why is Ari Gold in a beard on ITV on Sunday nights and when Ari Gold is on ITV on Sunday nights, where are Johnny Drama, Turtle, Vince, E, etc? Apparently there's a film coming, that's good, don't think Adrian Grenier will be a better actor but Ari Gold will be in it.
- Have not been writing 5 things, birthday cards, cleaning house etc as have been watching 'Entourage' since 18 February.
- Always with the snow. I mean really it has been "at it" all day long. Is always the same. It heats up (i.e. -1) for a week and all the East Coast Canadians scream (nothing on West coast, only rain and people saying 'thank you' on busses), and run around in bikinis then the clouds come again and you wake up in the morning and it's 7am and you think, that's odd, why's it still dark and why is there no noise anywhere, and you look out of the window and it's 3ft deep and January again. Meanwhile, on the Archers, spring has sprung and Tom Archer is still talking about his ready meals and Pat and Tony are still talking about their fucking 'organic brand'. Everyone on the Archers has to stop talking about 'marketing strategy' etc. I am losing my mind.
- Found a rug in the cellar that I like that has been eaten by Canadian moths. Will wash it & put it out and say Yes it is an Antique from PERSIA 14th century I think & see if anyone can tell. Maybe they will think, she is from Europe everything is old there, crusted in dust.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 5:07 pm
Sunday, February 24, 2013
- John Travola Lego hair.
- Michelle Obama, what a smasher.
- Very proud of English ladies winning prizes for costume design and makeup and barely bothering to dress up at all. Makeup and hair ladies looked like they had got their outfits and hairdos at Debenhams.
- See Jack Nicholson, start laughing immediately.
- Sets, out of the 70s, designed by Siegfried and Roy, j'en suis convaincu.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 11:58 pm
Thursday, February 21, 2013
- Americans who clap themselves. Why?
- Extreme Home Makeover. Mawkish drivel run by a man with hair product. In it, people run and clap at the same time and everyone does high-fives. I hate it, and yet it makes me cry. Sometimes the people go 'WOOOOO' and every 12th word is 'community'. Then everyone hugs each other.
- Accidental biscuits. The last box of Dorset Cereals Muesli in the Four Brothers shop of a type I cannot remember, but it was not eat-able as a cereal because it was 80% nuts and dried fruits inc. dates. I made Australian biscuit things out them off their website but: olive oil instead of butter, 2/3 of the sugar, maple syrup instead of treacle, chopped up crystallised ginger, self raising flour instead of plain flour and fuck me if they weren't delicious. The odd thing is that despite their pretty packaging and claims to be 'green' (yawn) etc etc I am not really that interested in Dorset Cereals and I am not any more likely to buy their product again (the porridge in a pouch stuff is vile) but this time it was good.
- If Cadbury dropped a bubbly bar on my head attached to a parachute, however, I'd snap it up.
- I just don't understand why I haven't got a dog. It doesn't make any sense.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 11:19 pm
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
- Am extravagantly rude to downstairs neighbour, who I dislike. Spend some time wondering if I regret it (sinking to his level, future relationship, wall we both need to pay for, etc), and realise, no, I do not regret it one jot, for he is a cock and the broken wall is bigger than the both of us.
- Wash Parka. Parka comes out of tumbler-dryer (as I wish it were called) and the zip has fallen off, plus the hoodhair (raccoon I think - washing rat, as it is known in French Canada) has gone stiff round the edge. It is no good to me anymore, but it is too late in the winter to justify another one, so I am going around in an old one that is tight looking like a fat centipede with all his legs tucked in (apart from the 2 back ones he is walking on).
- Conversation with a man who does not blink for 43 minutes. Can't work out why he is so strange, then realise he has an MBA.
- Wonder out loud when House of Throne Cards is on.
- Tell someone I have been to 'the Two Brothers supermarket'. It is actually called the 'Four Brothers Supermarket'.
- Read a lot about British supermarkets. Feel like I am there. Talk a lot about Britain with some Canadians (for my job) and then think about it a lot for the rest of the day, i.e. do we want to live there or not. Sometimes I feel like this, then I think about how it's nearly Spring in the England now, and in the Canada there is still snowstorms and even when it melts, the papers and telly will still be rubbish.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 8:21 pm
Sunday, February 17, 2013
- I like "Real Housewives" programmes a lot. I am confused, though, about the surgery. If you look at Beverley Hills housewives, their facial 'attentions' are relatively subtle. If you look at the Vancouver ladies, you wonder if they have eyes in their heads. Their faces are still, so still and glossy, and their little puffy mouths move in the stillness. They surely do not watch back the episodes of "Real Housewives" that they are in, for if they did, they would notice it - unless they are all blind.
- Taking of Vancouver, watched a programme in which some people from Vancouver were preparing to take up a job offer in the Isle of Man. The programme was about moving houses. I watched a bit of it (for nothing is funnier than watching North Americans looking at British style houses - "is that the walk-in closet?" when looking at the withdrawing room, for e.g.), but it seemed inconclusive and they moved into a house with a stiff window.
- Talking of Vancouver (again), I went there last year for a bit. All the people say 'thank you' to the bus drivers. It rains a lot. The setting is strange, when you can see it (when it's not raining), for there are mountains at the end of the road. I saw an old friend who I could have talked to all night, and rented an apartment from a tiny English man in a polyester mix suit who had "a position in an IT business". I wasn't sure about it at all, but we got drunk at the Christmas fair and ate a huge sausage in an arm-length roll.
- Listened to 1984 on the radio on the train (on my Apple Macintosh "Walkman") and shrieked when Winston and Julia got caught 'at it'. All the people on the train looked at me. I was not ashamed.
- Had a nice scone with oats it for breakfast and a bit of bread with hazelnuts and cranberries in it. I think the scone was from the man out of the Guardian. The other one is a recipe by Sybil Kapoor, who is a genius, and who wrote a book for the National Trust called Simply Baking. This is a book that is owned by everyone who shops in Waitrose a lot. People who own dogs index at 189 against it. Do not ask me how they work out Indexes. I have never understood it.
- Finally (6), here is a product that allows you to have a nice little sleep at your desk undetected and undisturbed. Where this product has been all my life I couldn't tell you, but no matter - it is here, and I shall use it. Nighty night ! (Or not!)
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 8:43 pm
Friday, February 15, 2013
- Didn't realise it is the week it is. Thought the big thing was a week away. It is on Monday. Thought for a long time along the lines of 'just as well' etc (while leaning back in chair and bouncing) as am hopeless without some small bit of pressure due to imminent deadline. All those people who plan ahead and have their presentation done 4 days early are weird.
- Read a bit of a book about industrial psychology. I like this behavioural economics malarkey. You know, don't worry about the price of things it is if someone says 'hello' that is important. Very good. Carry on.
- Not sure about sweet potato in soup if it's not blended. Strange. Not sure why I don't like it.
- Phoned someone up and sang "I just called to say I love you".
- Got train. Surprised by man opposite, hugely tall, face like a cottage loaf with eyes made of tiny currants and feet like the pointy shoes in Vic 'n' Bob, talking proudly with the voice of a young girl.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 8:28 pm
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
- In Canada, we are safe from Zombies. This is good to know because I have been worrying about it.
- Up at 4 yesterday and in office before the cleaners got there. Felt excellent until other people came into office. Felt bad around 4 when I accidentally knocked someone's drawer open on their desk and saw a massive rubber hand in it.
- Went to Toronto. Talked about Tesco quite a lot.
- Thinking about Waitrose and Tesco generally. Do you like one more than the other? If so, why?
- Thought about John Lewis Partnership and its stores. Escalators in Peter Jones when was a tiny child & Monkeymother I think singing. Feet measured on the special foot measuring device in Start-Rite. School uniform. Green and white bags. It is important to say that I love John Lewis Partnership so much that the other day I cried just thinking about it. I make no bones about it.
- Thought about it a bit more and wondered if I would be able to get a job there if we ever moved back to England. Realised wouldn't be a super idea as would just be crying the whole time.
- Ate a 'tunaburger' for dinner with odd Montreal fries which are both soft and crispy, sweet and salty at the same time. It has a particular heft, the Montreal fry. I know not where it comes from. (NB I am not talking about sweet potato fries. I know the difference.)
- Wondered how 'up at 4 and at work before the cleaners' would look as a statement on a blog about 'non-working'. Here is the thing. The work I am doing at the moment is incredibly interesting and I am really enjoying it. If I wake up early I start thinking about it and then THAT'S IT. So I do the work. It's OK as long as I remember to sleep etc.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 10:05 pm
Monday, February 11, 2013
- Eat North Staffordshire Pancakes for breakfast and marvel again at their chewy brilliance. If you do not know of them, they are like a cross between a crumpet and a pancake and sourdough bread and probably better for you than bread as made of oats etc. Recipe here. You should try them.
- Wonder about fancy dress themes and am pretty sure everyone is doing Downton Abbey. For those that can take it, you get to wear nice dresses, dangly earrings, black tie, tweed, etc. For those that can't, you go as Mrs Patmore.
- A dog comes into office. I talk to dog, stroke it, pat it, play with its ears etc then realise Chairman is talking to me/looking at me/standing next to me etc whilst I am making "I love you" faces at dog.
- Am secretly proud of massive scab I have on left hand from burning self on oven yesterday. Looks like have been in a fight with a hamster holding a tiny lightsabre made of internally illuminated super-hot metal. Make a lot of expansive hand gestures but no-one notices.
- Spots. Why spots? WHY?
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 7:20 pm
Sunday, February 10, 2013
1. 'Bring Your Cat To Work' day
2. Blackcurrants rare in Canada although at least they exist here, unlike hedgehogs. Reminded of someone saying no trees in England, only hedgehogs.
3. Keep falling asleep like gigantic dormouse. No more water running from nose, just aching bones. Arthritic dormouse maybe.
4. Blogging on iPad hard but forced to be brief so blessed relief for all readers. (Do not put comments saying O we like it when you do the blog on the iPad.)
5. Treat for middle aged people: electric blanket on 8.
Posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 10:58 pm