When this is all over

It will make a very, very good book.  It is to do with work, of course, and cannot be spoken of.

In the meantime, I am here a lot, pinning things on imaginary walls and realising that I may in fact be a Danish lesbian. If I were the type of lady that does moodboards for her wedding hair, I would be in company. Thankfully, I am the sort of monkey that knows of the man who does this, and who also does this, so I am (mercifully) in good company.

For my next trick, I will join another call with APJ, bang that fucker on mute (as apparently they say), settle back with some lukewarm Jack Daniel's mixed with flat lemon sodapop, and watch "Smash"

Pip "China Team?" pip!

NWM

p.s. I have not forgotten about the caption competition

I run a caption competition

Regular readers will be aware of the work of Corndog The Cat, who had some kittens and hid them in the branches of a bush, where they all lived quite happily until she (Corndog) was adopted by my husband, a French-Canadian veterinary histopathologist (who enjoys pre-clinical safety biomarker validation).  (The kittens were also adopted and not used in any pre-clinical trials.)

Here she is. Corndog. When I look at this picture, I think: it will not be physically possible for my adoring readers and/or fans to resist engaging in a "Caption Competion" when they see this snapshot!!!

Come on. You know you can't resist.  So here you are. Give it your "best shot":

NB: no captions along the lines of "I am sad I am so fat I wish my owners would not give me so much food!", if you please, for the simple reason that passive-aggressive first-person anthropomorphism is just what it sounds like, i.e. a pile of wank. Plus we are not blind OR stupid, but it is hard to control this simple fact: Corndog is very fat because she is able to open the refrigerator door and eat all the butter. This is not a joke. 

I am having a strange day

I woke early, just before six, and thought it was Tuesday; it was not; it was today, i.e. Saturday.  I got up and thought, O I know, I will do the washing the ironing etc, have a shower, have a cup of coffee and maybe a boiled egg, and then I will go to the hairdresser and get the weird hair clump left over from the Amsterdam haircut cut out.

It didn't go well. The washing machine, which is cheap and accessed from the top, spun out of control and forced the water pipe to spring gleefully from its rear, causing a low-level flood.  I mopped it up and thought, O I know, I will have a shower now. The tap ($600) came off in my hand and the water went all over the walls.  I thought, O I know, I will have a cup of coffee. I put the coffee pot on (I have written of this before, many years ago), but before I could place it on the ring, the handle came off in my hand.

I had a go on some Wet Wipes and a cold tap and went to the hairdresser, which is precisely 2 minutes' walk from my house.  On the list:

1. Eyebrow tidy
2. Colour
3. Haircut

Let me explain.

Eyebrow tidy

Fuck knows there's not much going right when it comes to my physical appearance, but my eyebrows have always been clear and unexcitable. I am afraid of 'tidying' them myself, though, as there is not much room for error; every 5 years or so I remember this, and get someone else to do it. They always look better, but as the ladies are plucking, they ask if if I have facials and I say I have had 2 in my life, and they say, but how is this possible?, as if I have said I have never had a bath. I will not go in to my theory on skincare (don't fuck about with it, use lots of moisturiser, people squeezing your blackheads is weird), but I think I left with a verbal agreement to go back so they can "cleanse my skin for the better accommodation of product".  I am unlikely to honour the contract.

Colour

When I was about 21 I got a weird hormonal thing I and I got very fat and my hair (which until then had been thick and slippy) got thin and crap.  That was OK but I am 42 now which means the colour is fading. I wouldn't care if I was going grey - in fact I would like it - but the colour of my hair is that of "un souris qui est en train de mourir très lentement", as I said to Bob (in a French accent), the "Colourist Host".  I therefore have it coloured a bit so I do not look like I too am a mouse who is in the process of dying very slowly.

Haircut

For some time - despite a brief foray into the 'choppy bob with fringe', which suited me but was a pain in the arse to keep looking OK - I have shared a haircut with Dan Gillespie Sells, lead singer of one-hit wonders, The Feeling. There is no point arguing; it is the best haircut for me, unless a mentalist gets her misguided scissors on it in Amsterdam and makes me look like a portly visitor from the island of Lesbos. Today it has been righted.

Anyway, I managed to get through the eyebrow and colour bit before my hairdresser pointed out that I had toothpaste all over my chin. I take consolation from the fact that it was only on my chin, but wonder that I managed to make it through an hour without a) noticing it myself; b) having it pointed out by anyone else.

It is, now it is less disastrous, a strange day. My husband, a French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist who cuts his own hair, is in Geneva sulkily ski-ing with clients he does not like, and I am alone in Montreal where I moved about 4 years ago.  It is at the weekends when you are alone in a city that is only 53% home with nothing to do that you realise that your oldest friends are not in the same place as you, and you rather wish you could see them.  I also wish I could still be excited by 4 inches of snow, which is what I think is falling in England at the moment. (In Montreal people don't even put their proper coats on until it is  -20 and there are 3ft on the front doorstep).

I do not talk about being homesick because there is no point; whining about it doesn't change anything, but still, I am feeling the distance and wondering if there is anything I can do about it, short of installing videoconferencing facilities (with conference phone option) in the sitting rooms of all dear friends and sending out a meeting request for a status meeting.

In other news, here is a film you should watch. I found it very funny.

I do some live blogging from a conference call

Night draws in, and with it the prospect of our much-longed-for 10pm conference call with some people in "APJ", i.e., Asia Pacific Japan, i.e. Japan, China, India, Australia & Singapore. (We are in Canada.) I am going to write about it "on the go".

OK here goes. Dialling in.

If I need assistance I am to press 'star'. 

Japan are saying hello! They are well, which I am glad to hear.

Someone in India is not listening.

Australia are on! 

China are on!

This is amazing.

SOMEONE CALLED LANCE IS ON. Who is Lance?

China are not on.  Oh hang on. Are they?

There is a dog barking.

We are giving China one more minute to join. I am not hopeful. 

They are sorry about doubling up on the pdf. 

China are going to be joining in one minute.

Japan cannot read the tracker.  

There is a crashing sound.  Someone has just gone on hold and some country and western music is playing.

Everyone is doing their email and Skyping their mums. I am typing my blog. 

They are talking about timelines now and challenges. And dates. 

China want some PSOM. I do not know what that is. 

We aren't going to be able to give Japan the required material in time.

NEW MUSIC!! It is like Star Wars. Someone is saying 'hello' in an echo chamber. IT IS CHINA TEAM!!! 

They are not aligned with the go-to-market team and India's toolkit is at risk. 

We have passed the deadline.

THEY ARE PUTTING IT ON THE TABLE. China team are going to develop something - but we have to let them be aware of what we are developing.

No they are not. They are keeping the global version. Phew.

I do not understand what anyone is saying. They are now in a wind tunnel. No-one I work with understands either, but someone called "Susan" is being spoken about in revered tones by a lady in Singapore.

Someone is being pushed for the key visual. I do not like the sound of that one bit.

China Team wish to have the concept (I think).

I have literally no fucking idea what is going on.

Whatever it is works very well for  China Team, but Friday is too late.

Unless someone says a big 'no' to something, there is 90% chance something may or may not happen.

Everyone is laughing but I do not understand the joke.

We cannot count on the global handover date!!!!! WHAT?!!! There is nothing funny about that one little bit.

Grace is OK on this. That's good to know.  Who is Leslie?  Concept lock that, ladies and gentlemen!

Final approval date, timeline, concreted global retail development toolkit scheduled.

Santa is on the line! He is OK with the copy being approved by February 14th.  That's good.

OK we are going to talk about spiders now.

It's the music again!

"Oops", say Japan.

India are concerned that the carbon fibre will not look good on the newspaper and it is not done yet. No it is! They have the file and the results are coming back today.  There may be feedback.

The man on the street may not be engaged by it. I am sorry to hear that.

Headline!

Oh, China Team.

I go to the office Christmas party

I write to my husband, the French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist.

"We left Montreal at 4 in stupid stretch limo. Journey was supposed to take 1hr 40 mns. After 2 hours, checking what time we would arrive on our phones, saw the twat had gone the wrong way. Someone also pointed out that we had gone across a river on a ferry at some point, which made no sense. Someone else pointed out that we were in Ontario.  Driver didn't admit was lost.   Stopped at shop for a wee, redirected driver who finally admitted he had taken 'a wrong turn'.  Wanted to make up time so he starts driving across country in a snowstorm in a stretch limo with the rubber falling off one of the windows and 0 (zero) snow tyres with 8 people drinking beer in the back.  Started skidding, ended up in a ditch.  Laughing so much we nearly weed in our pants.  Some of the boys climb out (NB car is at 45 degree angle) to smoke cigarettes; Ontario Police come along, breathalyse driver, tell us we are not supposed to be drinking beer in back of car. I am by this point hiding under coat trying to have a snooze.  Everyone posting on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram etc; everyone at agency still sober enough to be replying; everyone freaking out; us still laughing our heads off.   Left agency at 4; by now it’s 8.  

Wait another hour, man comes, tows us out, gets us on the road, we keep driving.  Arrive at 9.45. Dinner over, videos over. Everyone too pissed to notice us arriving and cheer - we are sad we are not centre of attention - so we go and eat dinner in the over-lit bar and drunk people ask us why we were in the ditch until we can’t be bothered to tell the story anymore.  Laugh roundly at irony that of all the teams to drive into a ditch, it would have to be ours.  Then too tired to do anything else and hate office parties anyway (esp as average age of agency is 23 & as you know I hate young people) so go to bed at midnight. Bed bliss.  Wake up at 7, have breakfast (omelette made by someone who calls me 'dude'), get back in limo (same driver) at 8 and drive back. 

Now are on a conference calls. All day. Everyone else is doing dog sledding and showshoeing in a five star hotel in the country." 

I am full of wonder

Snow

Every single bloody flake is different. Madness.

Invisible gasses

I can't see oxygen (for example),  but it is keeping me alive - AND it dissolves. I don't get it.

Sting

The eternal: why?

The Placebo Effect

Your brain is tricked into producing the same effect that a drug would have, but without the drug. HOW?

Painkillers

I don't care how many times it is explained, I still don't get how they work.  I find it amazing.

The subconscious

Apparently not everyone believes it exists - especially not Ladies and Men of Science. I find this very strange indeed, like finding out that noses are not generally accepted to exist.  

Foals, lambs etc walking within 3 seconds of coming out

Massive win vs. human babies.

Dogs and/or cats that travel thousands of miles to find their owner using only their noses

Incroyable - mais vrai.

This song:

I do some TV reviews

I don't trust people who don't own a television.  I think it's a bit weird. I was at school with some girls whose parents didn't have one, and they were still reading Pippi Longstocking when the rest of us were smoking Silk Cut at the bottom of the hockey pitch, taking 2 hours to eat a 75p baked potato at the Lyric Theatre cafe and saying "We'd like TO PAY now please" to the man in the wig who ran the corner shop.

The worst type of people are the ones who go "oh no we do not have a television because we have the Art of Conversation, Fine Literature and Boardgames to keep us amused!".  I can guarantee that none of these is as much fun as playing Drink-A-Longa Damages, and I would probably not accept an invitation to their house for dinner, because they would serve up under-seasoned tofu kebabs and overcooked tagliatelle with dried rosemary.  And home-made beer.

Anyway, here are some TV reviews. You will see a high number of HBO-produced programmes, and a great deal of American comedy. You will not see any Canadian television and this is because - unless someone can tell me otherwise - Canadian television is relentlessly awful. Canadian television is not, however, as bad as French television.  Danish television looks like it is great, mind you.

Starting with the Danes, I give you the real version of The Killing. I haven't seen the US version and probably won't because I don't need to. I have Sophie Grabol, some variously hot sidekicks, Copenhagen in the rain and the best theme tune ever written.  I know everyone knows about it but still, if you haven't, you must. It's about a crime that happens and then a lady in a jumper solves it, but she is a bit weird so it's more interesting than it normally would be. You also get quite excited by Danish politics and a surprising number of interior design tips.  It is physically impossible to watch the first season without shouting NANNA BIRK LARSEN and TROELS randomly as if you were afflicted by a rare form of Scando-Tourettes.

Damages is quite good. Glenn Close is massively camp and plays a sociopathic lawyer in sinister dark glasses who likes to end big cases by standing next to the water somewhere with her arms crossed. She is quite mean but you feel a bit sorry for her because she (by the end of it) is living alone with many bottles of whisky, a dog that doesn't like her much and some nightmares.  She also has a strange relationship with a pretty Australian lady.  The whole thing is entirely unlikely and it is a miracle they are not all dead from alcohol poisoning, but it is entertaining.

(Do not watch alone unless you have nerves of steel because there is quite a lot of blood and sudden leapings out from behind doors.  The third series is a bit shit.)

Mad Men is fucking ace. If you want to know what working in an advertising agency is like, it is still quite a lot like that in quite a lot of ways, but without the overt sexism and drinks trolleys out on the sideboard.   (They are in the cupboard.)  It is also different in that the modern-day equivalents of Don Draper are not as hot as hell with excellent suits. They are more likely to look like they run a second-hand skateboard shop, and they smell a bit.

I find The Good Wife very soothing. In it, Nurse Hathaway out of ER has re-trained as a lawyer and has married Mr Big out of Sex and the City. Nurse Hathaway has sexytime with her boss at one point which is a bit strange. She has won over 142 Emmys for her performance, which remains exactly the same from episode to episode.    (If you have watched this and have also watched Damages, you may agree that neither Nurse Hathaway nor Ellen Parsons benefit from a fringe.)

Arrested Development. There is a man on it called Gob who goes around on a Segway, a son called George Michael and a frozen banana stand. What's not to like?

More later. I'm going to Boston now. Bye.

NWM

p.s. please let me know if there are any television programmes you would like me to review.  I have probably seen them, so don't  hold back.

I know what I am not good at

"Oh no! I am SUCH a bad cook", simpers the over-dressed hostess, soufflé loftily a-quiver. "More by luck than judgement!", says the newly-promoted CEO.  "This old thing!", says the bride, upholstered in couture Verna Twang.

No such false humility for me. I am quite old now (42) and so am getting to know what I am good at and what I am bad at.

Bad at

1. Anagrams (I am writing this post because Countdown is on the telly and it makes me feel stupid and hotly ashamed)
2. Scrabble
3. Sudoku
4. Writing down numbers when they are read out to me
5. Algebra 
6. Cryptic crosswords
7. Screwing caps on properly
8. Remembering birthdays
9. Reading maps without turning them in the direction in which I am travelling
10. Monopoly
11. Any puzzle that starts: "If 10 farmers have 5 pigs and 5 sheep..." (or similar)
12. Reading instructions
13. Reading knitting patterns
14. Hiding distain
15. Sleeping properly
16. Doing things I find boring 

Good at 

1. Remembering complex routes by sight
2. Reading fast
3. Remembering colours
4. Visualising what things will look like on a wall
5. Charades, Spite and Malice, Spit, Racing Demon, Shithead, etc. I am really really good at The Hat Game
6. Seasoning food properly
7. Understanding recipes
8. Remembering songs (even though I can't sing)
9. Gantt charts 
10. Not shouting "FUCK OFF, TWAT", when people say things like "circle back" and "critical few"
11. Not being one. little. bit. impressed by MBAs  
12. Eating and drinking (but not cucumbers or raw celery)
13. Making it up
14. Guessing
15. Diffusing anxiety
16. Seeing where the leaks are in an argument.

None of these is very useful, unless you are up for World Hat Game Champion (with a prize of $150,000).  

Pip "false humility is so 2011!!!" pip

NWM

I do some film reviews (again)

Regular readers will remember that I have been a 'have a go hero' and done some home-made film reviews before, but time has passed since then - and during its passing, I have watched a great many films (or "movies", for our friends in North America), that I now reflect upon for your edification and amusement.

OK. Here goes:

Midnight in Paris

WOODY ALLEN. Shut UP. I cannot describe the myriad of ways in which this film got bang on my tits.  The one good thing about it is that the man who plays Hemingway is very handsome, but back on planet non-perv, I cannot imagine that anyone would go, "Oh I love Woody Allen's latest! It is modelled on a really refreshing conceit involving Owen Wilson and a time-travelling car containing misplaced American novelists!"

I tell you who likes this film. The type of people who go to Paris and buy Degas drink coasters and watch Masterpiece theatre, but don't read the New Yorker. That's who.

How To Train Your Dragon

Vikings (with Scottish accents) try and kill dragons. A young Viking (with an American accent) realises that the way to get on better with the dragons is to understand them, so he builds a tail for a black dragon that has eyes like a kitten and rides it around in the sky.

Next, they (the Vikings and the dragons) kill a massive dragon (which is like a gigantic hungry Queen Bee, but bigger) in a mountain and then all the Vikings ride dragons around for the rest of eternity.

I am not joking when I say that this cartoon is very good and I loved it a lot. You must watch it. Apparently in some parts of Denmark and the Outer Hebrides, people still ride their dragons to work.

Shrek 3

The only good bit is the cat and the gingerbread man, but neither reach the quality of their performances in Shrek 1, and I felt a narrative vacuum that could only ever be filled by the Three Blind Mice.  This film is OK if you are drunk on a plane or with a lot of children.

Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2

No idea. Fell asleep within 3 minutes.

Contagion

The moral of this story is: "If you look like Gwyneth Paltrow, do not eat pork served to you by a smiling Chinaman." The other moral is "If you look like the ugly one out of Good Will Hunting, you are probably not susceptible to 97% of known viruses."  Mildly exciting in parts but otherwise I wasn't sure what was happening and took photographs of Newfoundland and Labrador out of the window. Here is one of them:

Jane Eyre

This is really jolly good. I enjoyed it even though I knew what was going to happen and have read both The Madwoman In The Attic AND The Yellow Wallpaper.  Rochester is hotter than a mosquito's tweeter and the bloke out of the film about the dancing Northern child is good as a stalkery vicar.

It is not a laugh a minute so do not go there if you think Downton Abbey is High Art, but do go there if you think (as I do) that Judi Dench is God and you wished (as I do) that you lived at the edges of a difficult moor.

The Help

Something tells me that I should be slightly ashamed that I enjoyed this so very much, but I did. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. I was drunk on a flight from Sao Paulo to Chicago.  I am not sure that Gentlemen will like it much but they should, even if it is rammed to the rafters with that ghastly swelling American movie music that distracts you from feeling something that you are already managing to feel perfectly well by yourself.

Of Gods and Men

It is extraordinary and you should watch it.

Pride and Prejudice

I am talking the original and best one with Laurence Oliver and Greer Garson.  I caught the tail end of one of those fuck-awful programmes about Jane Austen fans (they run around calling her Miss Austen or Jane which gets bang on my tits) at Christmas, and some bloke in glasses said it was the best one, and explained that it was an adaptation of a Broadway play. Whatevs. It's ace.

Crazy, Stupid, Love

In it, Steve Carrell gets new clothes and spends time with an ugly man with a 6-pack. It was good on a plane but I would not go to the cinema and pay money for it. I laughed a bit and thought quite a lot about how Steve Carrell is a bit like a Steve Martin de nos jours. Then I fell asleep.

The Hangover 2

Worth it for the bit with the gangster and what he says the monkey was doing to him in front of some 'videos'.

Cedar Rapids

A man has to go on a work conference and everything goes to shit. This does not sound promising but let me tell you, it is a good film that is funny and just avoids being mawkish at the end.  I would not pay money to go and see it in a cinema but I would watch it on the computer or on the television. Or on an aeroplane.  Which is where I saw it.

Bridesmaids

Not as funny as they said. Apart from the bit when she poos her pants in the street. That was funny.

The Change-Up

Absolute fucking nonsense. Do not bother, even if it is the last film in the universe.

Hanna


Finnish child assassins and God knows what else. Brilliant. I wished I had seen it in a cinema and not on the television.  It is very beautiful as well as being quite exciting and sad.

The last Harry Potter film

Bobbins.

A couple of Narnia films

An ill-acted travesty. These films made me so cross my nose hurt. Liam Neeson as Aslan. I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Whatever next? Swallows and Amazons with Gwyneth Paltrow as Titty and Samuel L Jackson as Captain Flint?


OK that's it for now. Coming soon: some TV reviews. Who said this blog was dead? Not me.

I love you all.

Pip "Barry Norman" Pip

NWM

I make resolutions

Ring ring! Ring ring! What is that noise? Yes, it is the New Year being 'rung in'.  Here are my resolutions for 2012:

1. Be on fewer conference calls at 10pm on Thursdays with mentals in China
2. Have fewer conversations with people who freely - and without shame - use the expressions "deep dive", "ladder up"*, "reach out", "touch base" and "interlock"
3. Take "have a sleep" off list of things I would really like to do and add something else more interesting, e.g. "vault upon a prinking unicorn and ride the Grand National"
4. Join a gym (because I want to and like it, not because I must - although I must)
5. Stare the expression "your knees and ankles are probably arthritic" directly in the face and then poke it in the eye with a sharpened pencil
6. Go to Scandinavia and/or Portugal (but not Burlington, VT)
7. Write more on my web-blog
8. Finish course of laser hair removal and book more for middle-aged lady sprout on chin
9. Be on fewer conference calls at 8am on Wednesdays with mentals in Singapore
10. See various friends I have not seen for a while, including but not limited to: Louis, Sarah, Charly, Jeff T, Laura T and other marvels of humanity
11. Win lottery. Do not need much, only c. $1.5m to allow self to stop working forever and loll about.

What is your Number One Resolution? I hope it will be "buy NWM lottery tickets and read her blog more". 

Pip "Happy New Year!" Pip

NWM

* It is still unclear to me whether it is in fact possible to deep dive if you have not already laddered up