Someone accused my comments box in the post before last of being like a branch of Starbucks. Needless to say I was horrified; I replied that I like to think of my comments box(es) as a sort of virtual eighteenth century salon, in which my witty and erudite readers bow slightly to each other, stroke their powdered wigs, exchange bons mots and pretend to be Alain de Botton, not a slackly-decorated repository for Imaginary Writers drinking coffee-flavoured hot milkshake. (They're still at it, as far as I can see, except they are not talking about the Death of Philosophy, but who they would rather shag - Feltz or Prince Edward. Feltz is in the lead.)Anyway, it set me to thinking and caused me to scoot to a sudden stop outside Caffè Nero in Waterloo this morning and purchase the cup of coffee you see above (customised by my own monkey hands). As I was sucking it up with my monkey lips, I thought some more about coffee. In fact I started thinking about it last night and haven't stopped. That is the horrible truth.
I would like a cup of coffee
1. I would not like "a coffee" or "a tea".
2. Neither would I like "a hot drink".
Starbucks coffee is not coffee
Someone in Starbucks ("Er ... I'll have a cappuccino please. With two extra shots." "TWO? You SURE?" "Yes, I would like it to taste of coffee". "You want syrup wid tat?" "Do I look like a cretin?"), gets a pint of milk, then Lucifer passes by and squirts in it.
What he squirts is up to you to decide, but suffice to say it ain't pretty, and in normal circumstances would require a double dose of Arret and some rehydration salts.
I have yet to meet a French person who can make nice coffee in their houses
You may well sit through sixteen courses of the finest food in Christendom, hand-reared and cooked by the Laydee of the House. But when it comes to "un petit café?", shout "NON!" and run for the hills.
English people are more obsessed with coffee than any other nation on Earth
You might think it's the Italians, but that is part of them and they are very fucking good at it, so nothing to see there; move along now. You may think it's the Americanos, but I do not see that drinking 12 pints of skinny latte with coffee syrup light on the coffee is really drinking coffee. The French don't care what anyone thinks of them anyway (if they're being annoying, just shout "SHAKESPEARE! HE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF YOURS!" at them - it usually works.)
But you see we are in trouble over here. Fed up with everyone saying British food is rubbish, we have become obsessed by proving everyone wrong. Regardless of the fact that most people live off ready meals bought from Tesco (despite owning 12 cookbooks by Jamie Oliver, five by Nigel Slater and twenty-nine by the Spawn of Satan, Delia Smith), the middle classes will confidently blether on about farmers' markets, read Heston Blumenthal in The Guardian (and buy a meat thermometer they will never use), talk about the number of Michelin-starred restaurants we have and roll their eyes at children who eat chips for lunch. Therefore, making a decent cup of coffee is important, and by your coffee shall ye know them: Instant is Bad; a Cafetière is Cheating; anything in a sachet is Probably Rat Poison.
How to make coffee at home
Like this:
Please note: the coffee maker must say "Bialetti" on the side of it and feature a man with a hat and a large nose and moustache, making a hand signal you only usually see on cricket pitches. Only this one will do. There are Many Imitators but considering the 6-cup costs about £25 and will last 100 years, it is well worth the Investment. Tips on what to do when you get one (learnt at the knee of Monkeymother):
1. Put one drop of washing up liquid in with the water and run it through once.
2. Make about 3 batches of coffee, and discard them.
3. Thereafter, NEVER use washing up liquid on it.
4. Always store the 3 bits separately, otherwise you get Weird Mould.
Also:
1. The minute it starts bubbling, TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT. Otherwise it will be burnt and disgusting. You may also burn your rubber ring (yes yes, ho ho). If you do ...
2. ... you can get replacements at John Lewis or Peter Jones (same difference, except the latter contains more people with Hermès scarves than the former, which contains mainly people on a day trip to That London and me, sobbing quietly in Haberdashery.)
If I want a cup of coffee in a cardboard cup, I go to ....
1.Caffè Nero
2. AMT Espresso
3. Costa Coffee
Prêt à Manger is also OK if you ask for a strong one.
People who bang on pompously about coffee are knobbers
Mea culpa, yah? Great! Love my own work! Super to see you dahling - let's do lunch.
Right, I'm bored of coffee now, and will move briefly to tea.
How to make tea
Boil the water, then put it IMMEDIATELY on to the tea bag or tea leaves. I am not that interested in warming teapots, milk in first or last, lemon or milk and the like. If people could just get the water hot, they would realise how really very nice tea can be. It also has the added benefit of not making you mad in the head after 2 cups, unlike coffee.
Hot drink, anyone?
27 comments:
Patriotism and refreshments. My two favourite things. Lovely.
I only ever go to Caffe Nerd (sic) even though it means walking past the 'really good' coffee shop in Monmouth St. to get there. I think that marks me as something of a beverage philistine. No-one ever writes anything on my cup though.
have you noticed that a latte is horrid if you don't drink it through the lid?
I had a McDonalds latte this morning... sort of like Custard't'Go.
Anyway I'm off for a vending machine (cup of) tea now. I have a deathwish, plus it's free.
Backroads hello and welcome. Cup of PG? I hope you Make It although frankly if you WILL drink McD's coffee (or indeed even venture through the front door), perhaps ... no. I do not wish ill of anyone.
Mikey no - I suck it up through my puckered (what a fucking awful word that is) monkey lips, so the effect is probably the same.
Clare - peppermint tea? Flapjack?
NWM, am delighted you are blogging on my favourite subject.
What they serve in Starbucks tastes like dishwater and is NEVER hot enough - your Lucifer squirt is spot on.
Ach, you can use your soap on your bialetti, I have been doing so for years, nothing happens & it only goes mouldy if you store it screwed together for ages w/out using it.
There is also the danger of melting the handle if you are impatient like me and have too high a flame. I think you still have to get spare handles from Italy, relying on the kindness of your ex bf's sister...
I think the French say le café bouilli c'est le café foutu, but I don't mind the taste. The worst thing about leaving it to boil is it launches itself splashingly out of the spout when you pour it, scalding your lovely fingers.
I like my tea to be homeopathically weak, a millionth of a drop of tea to a mug of water. No milk.
Ahhh, a woman after my own heart - a coffee snob.
Yes, to everything.
Although I cheat at home - I have a cafétière - but actually, I rarely drink coffee at home. I only really drink coffee in places where they have proper espresso coffee machines and where I go "ahhhh" when I drink it.
I drink Necafe and feel a bit posh if it's Gold Blend.
(hangs head)
Prêt à Manger? You're INSANE. Their coffee is made with the finest ground house dust, which is then lovingly filtered through tramps' pants.
Well, living in Seattle I have to render opinions re: coffee. Starbucks-yuck--too acidy, too snobby. Tullys-good. "Home made coffee" Thoroughly rinse (water only) the pot and filters immediately after the pot is empty. Remove the basket of used grounds as soon as the coffee is done brewing. Good coffee doesn't require cream or syrup. The espresso machine NWM refers to is the best for that type of brewing. Yes, I do drink tea (preheated teapot, boiling water over bags or strainer) and still learning as to steep time.
Sorry, I only ever have coffee at Dunkin Donuts. The are full of coffee love, and donuts.
When starting my new job, I knew I was in The Right Place when I saw the espresso machine, sitting there gloriously on the counter.
Needless to say, my blood caffeine levels have now reached toxic levels.
Funny thing is, some people here complain that its coffee 'tastes strange', and makes themselves instant Nescafé instead.
Don't worry I didn't venture through McD's front door. It was a drive by shouting.
My real target was a wholsesome double sausage and egg mcmuffin as inspired by unluckyman.
do you grind the coffee beans? we do - my partner and i like them at different textures tho. he prefers the grind to be chunkier whereas i like it finer. one of those endless debates i guess that is never going to leave us :)
So that's why my coffee tastes so bad in my silver thing like yours? NEVER use washing up liquid. I have two of them and they make disgusting coffee now and this must be because I have always washed them up using Fairy Liquid.
If I invest in a new one will thiS really work?
Two things:
1. Bialettis are made from aluminium, which gives you parkinson's. Try one of these instead.
2. The milk must ALWAYS go in last, otherwise you totally defeat the object of having boiling water in the first place.
raiseyoureyebrows, have you tried running bicarb through it a few times? it might be bunged up with old coffee oil/sludge/yuck. fill it with water like you would normally for coffee, and add a couple teaspoons of bicarb, then put it on the hob as usual, till the bicarb/coffee soup has cooked. you'll be horrified. but it works.
My local coffee shop is called Java Monkey. I don't suppose you own it, do you?
Oh we've got three of those coffee pots in different sizes. Getting new seals for them is a pain, John Lewis are about the best for stocking them. My old man drinks expresso. I gave up coffee after illness, for reasons that I won't bore you with.
I do miss it though, but I still drink tea, which I love. I even get one brought to me in bed in the morning, with two bits if shortie, one for me and one for the hound. Scottish water makes good tea, especially the peaty water up north.
I don't like those coffee chains and agree that good coffee doesn't need syrup slushed into it.
Do one on gin next NWM!
ooh ooh, i forgot to tell you my lovely recently discovered portuguese remedy for feeling sick:
when you feel really sick but nothing seems to want to come out (or, like me, you can't face being sick)... drink a cup of black tea (proper tea, none of that herbal nonsense)... you'll puke it all out within five minutes and feel shed loads better.
thank you.
"1. Bialettis are made from aluminium, which gives you parkinson's."
FYI: you're not supposed to repeatedly bang the coffee pot on your head.
My dear Monkey, Heston Blumenthal writes for The Times actually.
I think you'll find that Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall-Hairycrumpets writes for the Guardian these days.
Ta.
Ps. What about Hot Chocolate?
Sweetie, all I want to do now is go to the haberdashery section at John Lewis! It makes me cry too, now they've moved it all round.
By the way, speaking of coffee snobbery, I have a lovely Alessi espresso pot. Jaketherat, I clicked on your link and nearly blacked out. But I am happy with my Alessi one, whicxh is stainless steel and works just like a Bialetti.
Starbucks coffee I won't even drink. Not even if it's the only coffee around. I agree, Nero is the best of that lot, but I can't imagine walking past the Monmouth Coffee Shop.
I would never drink a latte.
Coffee promises so much with its aroma, and frequently delivers so little.
When offered "tea or coffee?" of unknown origin, it is ALWAYS better to opt for the tea - disgusting tea is nowhere near as bad as disgusting coffee.
For a caffeine-free hot drink, how about Vimto and hot water?
I only drink coffee when I am on holiday, or feel as though I am, and therefore most cups of coffee make me feel Mad In The Head. I had a huuuuge cup of coffee when I was with Unreliable the other week and spent the rest of the day rushing around like a loon. I don't do instant, because I am a snob and also it takes like shit.
I have to confess to drinking (real) decaf in between, though. In my defence the decaf in my fridge is better than the caffeinated stuff. Honest. It came from the Mommouth coffee company and cost me a week's wages.
You can buy terribly cheap espresso machines in French supermarkets. The only trouble is you have to get to France first, which mainly costs a bit more than £25. Since the advent of the new administration I only have a cone filtery thing though. It does have the advantage of not going terribly mouldy when you leave it in the sink for days and days and days, though.
Monmouth Coffee Company is excellent. I agree.
I ... oh. Oh dear.
and they say coffee is addictive. surely not with how seriously you all take it. I dont like the taste myself. *shakes head from ivory tower*
clare... it's the bottle of gin you drank just before the tea, probably.
Thank you for this post. I've had one of those Italian coffee pots sitting in the back of the cupboard for ages, because I wasn't sure how to brew with it. ( I remember the coffee as a teenager, but the woman who introduced me to this method died long ago.)
I've followed your instructions and am having a lovely cup of Illy.
So now, depending on the day and the crowd, I can, drip, press, percolate or pressure brew. I'm in coffee heaven.
Post a Comment