I know what I am not good at

"Oh no! I am SUCH a bad cook", simpers the over-dressed hostess, soufflé loftily a-quiver. "More by luck than judgement!", says the newly-promoted CEO.  "This old thing!", says the bride, upholstered in couture Verna Twang.

No such false humility for me. I am quite old now (42) and so am getting to know what I am good at and what I am bad at.

Bad at

1. Anagrams (I am writing this post because Countdown is on the telly and it makes me feel stupid and hotly ashamed)
2. Scrabble
3. Sudoku
4. Writing down numbers when they are read out to me
5. Algebra 
6. Cryptic crosswords
7. Screwing caps on properly
8. Remembering birthdays
9. Reading maps without turning them in the direction in which I am travelling
10. Monopoly
11. Any puzzle that starts: "If 10 farmers have 5 pigs and 5 sheep..." (or similar)
12. Reading instructions
13. Reading knitting patterns
14. Hiding distain
15. Sleeping properly
16. Doing things I find boring 

Good at 

1. Remembering complex routes by sight
2. Reading fast
3. Remembering colours
4. Visualising what things will look like on a wall
5. Charades, Spite and Malice, Spit, Racing Demon, Shithead, etc. I am really really good at The Hat Game
6. Seasoning food properly
7. Understanding recipes
8. Remembering songs (even though I can't sing)
9. Gantt charts 
10. Not shouting "FUCK OFF, TWAT", when people say things like "circle back" and "critical few"
11. Not being one. little. bit. impressed by MBAs  
12. Eating and drinking (but not cucumbers or raw celery)
13. Making it up
14. Guessing
15. Diffusing anxiety
16. Seeing where the leaks are in an argument.

None of these is very useful, unless you are up for World Hat Game Champion (with a prize of $150,000).  

Pip "false humility is so 2011!!!" pip

NWM

I do some film reviews (again)

Regular readers will remember that I have been a 'have a go hero' and done some home-made film reviews before, but time has passed since then - and during its passing, I have watched a great many films (or "movies", for our friends in North America), that I now reflect upon for your edification and amusement.

OK. Here goes:

Midnight in Paris

WOODY ALLEN. Shut UP. I cannot describe the myriad of ways in which this film got bang on my tits.  The one good thing about it is that the man who plays Hemingway is very handsome, but back on planet non-perv, I cannot imagine that anyone would go, "Oh I love Woody Allen's latest! It is modelled on a really refreshing conceit involving Owen Wilson and a time-travelling car containing misplaced American novelists!"

I tell you who likes this film. The type of people who go to Paris and buy Degas drink coasters and watch Masterpiece theatre, but don't read the New Yorker. That's who.

How To Train Your Dragon

Vikings (with Scottish accents) try and kill dragons. A young Viking (with an American accent) realises that the way to get on better with the dragons is to understand them, so he builds a tail for a black dragon that has eyes like a kitten and rides it around in the sky.

Next, they (the Vikings and the dragons) kill a massive dragon (which is like a gigantic hungry Queen Bee, but bigger) in a mountain and then all the Vikings ride dragons around for the rest of eternity.

I am not joking when I say that this cartoon is very good and I loved it a lot. You must watch it. Apparently in some parts of Denmark and the Outer Hebrides, people still ride their dragons to work.

Shrek 3

The only good bit is the cat and the gingerbread man, but neither reach the quality of their performances in Shrek 1, and I felt a narrative vacuum that could only ever be filled by the Three Blind Mice.  This film is OK if you are drunk on a plane or with a lot of children.

Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2

No idea. Fell asleep within 3 minutes.

Contagion

The moral of this story is: "If you look like Gwyneth Paltrow, do not eat pork served to you by a smiling Chinaman." The other moral is "If you look like the ugly one out of Good Will Hunting, you are probably not susceptible to 97% of known viruses."  Mildly exciting in parts but otherwise I wasn't sure what was happening and took photographs of Newfoundland and Labrador out of the window. Here is one of them:

Jane Eyre

This is really jolly good. I enjoyed it even though I knew what was going to happen and have read both The Madwoman In The Attic AND The Yellow Wallpaper.  Rochester is hotter than a mosquito's tweeter and the bloke out of the film about the dancing Northern child is good as a stalkery vicar.

It is not a laugh a minute so do not go there if you think Downton Abbey is High Art, but do go there if you think (as I do) that Judi Dench is God and you wished (as I do) that you lived at the edges of a difficult moor.

The Help

Something tells me that I should be slightly ashamed that I enjoyed this so very much, but I did. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. I was drunk on a flight from Sao Paulo to Chicago.  I am not sure that Gentlemen will like it much but they should, even if it is rammed to the rafters with that ghastly swelling American movie music that distracts you from feeling something that you are already managing to feel perfectly well by yourself.

Of Gods and Men

It is extraordinary and you should watch it.

Pride and Prejudice

I am talking the original and best one with Laurence Oliver and Greer Garson.  I caught the tail end of one of those fuck-awful programmes about Jane Austen fans (they run around calling her Miss Austen or Jane which gets bang on my tits) at Christmas, and some bloke in glasses said it was the best one, and explained that it was an adaptation of a Broadway play. Whatevs. It's ace.

Crazy, Stupid, Love

In it, Steve Carrell gets new clothes and spends time with an ugly man with a 6-pack. It was good on a plane but I would not go to the cinema and pay money for it. I laughed a bit and thought quite a lot about how Steve Carrell is a bit like a Steve Martin de nos jours. Then I fell asleep.

The Hangover 2

Worth it for the bit with the gangster and what he says the monkey was doing to him in front of some 'videos'.

Cedar Rapids

A man has to go on a work conference and everything goes to shit. This does not sound promising but let me tell you, it is a good film that is funny and just avoids being mawkish at the end.  I would not pay money to go and see it in a cinema but I would watch it on the computer or on the television. Or on an aeroplane.  Which is where I saw it.

Bridesmaids

Not as funny as they said. Apart from the bit when she poos her pants in the street. That was funny.

The Change-Up

Absolute fucking nonsense. Do not bother, even if it is the last film in the universe.

Hanna


Finnish child assassins and God knows what else. Brilliant. I wished I had seen it in a cinema and not on the television.  It is very beautiful as well as being quite exciting and sad.

The last Harry Potter film

Bobbins.

A couple of Narnia films

An ill-acted travesty. These films made me so cross my nose hurt. Liam Neeson as Aslan. I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Whatever next? Swallows and Amazons with Gwyneth Paltrow as Titty and Samuel L Jackson as Captain Flint?


OK that's it for now. Coming soon: some TV reviews. Who said this blog was dead? Not me.

I love you all.

Pip "Barry Norman" Pip

NWM

I make resolutions

Ring ring! Ring ring! What is that noise? Yes, it is the New Year being 'rung in'.  Here are my resolutions for 2012:

1. Be on fewer conference calls at 10pm on Thursdays with mentals in China
2. Have fewer conversations with people who freely - and without shame - use the expressions "deep dive", "ladder up"*, "reach out", "touch base" and "interlock"
3. Take "have a sleep" off list of things I would really like to do and add something else more interesting, e.g. "vault upon a prinking unicorn and ride the Grand National"
4. Join a gym (because I want to and like it, not because I must - although I must)
5. Stare the expression "your knees and ankles are probably arthritic" directly in the face and then poke it in the eye with a sharpened pencil
6. Go to Scandinavia and/or Portugal (but not Burlington, VT)
7. Write more on my web-blog
8. Finish course of laser hair removal and book more for middle-aged lady sprout on chin
9. Be on fewer conference calls at 8am on Wednesdays with mentals in Singapore
10. See various friends I have not seen for a while, including but not limited to: Louis, Sarah, Charly, Jeff T, Laura T and other marvels of humanity
11. Win lottery. Do not need much, only c. $1.5m to allow self to stop working forever and loll about.

What is your Number One Resolution? I hope it will be "buy NWM lottery tickets and read her blog more". 

Pip "Happy New Year!" Pip

NWM

* It is still unclear to me whether it is in fact possible to deep dive if you have not already laddered up

Can you guess where I am ?

Now what

I shit you not. I am falling apart.  It is vaguely entertaining to watch. Sometimes people look at me and they say, "Are you OK?", and I say, "I am fine!!". Some people pat me on the shoulder and say, "Don't give up!", and I say,  "I never do". Things I have done since February:

1. Put back on all the weight I lost last year, and more;
2. Done something to my shoulder;
3. Done something to my knee;
4. Scratched the eczema in my ear until it bled;
5. Fell down the stairs and thought it was funny because (weirdly) I couldn't feel anything at all, even though landed more or less on head;
6. Stood in a street and shouted "I am not getting emotional. I am merely saying, dispassionately, that I HATE IT";
7. Baked over 80 miniature cakes for 'co-workers' (as they call colleagues in North America);
8. Bought a book called "How to Manage" as a joke, but no-one thought it was funny;
9. Put those stickers you put on things when you move offices on the 8ft whiteboard in my old office, genuinely believing that someone would unscrew it and move it up a floor to new office whose walls are less than 8ft long; 
10. Twice left the W Hotel (once in Miami, once in Boston) in a cab to buy giant Post-Its ($50 a pad!!!) whilst said cab waits outside, only to return me to a meeting room for 2 days;
11. Agreed to a weekly conference call at 11pm on Thursdays;
12. Agreed to a weekly conference call at 10pm on Wednesdays;
13. Forgot to send (or indeed buy) Christmas cards; 
14. Three times in the last week phoned someone up and then forgot why I was calling them; 
15. Four times last week went somewhere to do something and couldn't remember why I was there; 
16. Was grateful for the fact that I wake up early, not because I can take time to drink a nice cup of tea and look out of the window and think sexytime with a younger John Humphrys, but because a bonus 5am start means  more time to do work in; 
17. Called my computer a cunt at least 58 times a week; 
18. Bought a handbag for quite a lot of money (not more than $300) just because it is more convenient for putting a passport in at the aeroport;
19. Checked the air miles balance of my various cards to see if I had enough air miles to run away with (to the moon);
20. And some other stuff I can't remember. 

I am going to Amsterdam for a bit.  Someone gave me some Ambien for a flight I was supposed to be taking to Singapore a few weeks ago, but I am thinking I may 'pop a pill' on the 7 hour flight to tomorrow and spend Tuesday pleasingly furry inside my head.  And then I will sleep for a week, waking only to call Singapore (Thursday, 11pm), and Japan (Wednesday, 10pm). God help us if Australia join in. 

Pip "Snooze" Pip

NWM