I do more film reviews

There is a snow a-coming. They say, "O there will be 5-10cms falling, it is only light", but then you find that the day is broken into four blocks, each containing 5-10cms, and that in fact what is happening is that the snow is going on and on and on and we are going to die.

Still, we do not care. Why? Because there is a) television; and b) films to watch. And also review.  Yes, it is true. My last film reviews were so well-received by you, my adoring readers and/or fans, that I have decided to give you some pleasure by doing some more, reaching back maybe 3 months into my consumption history.   OK here goes.

Going the distance
In this film, Drew Barrymore plays herself having long-distance relationship with a man who was actually her boyfriend in real life, so there is not much acting in it.  Unsurprisingly, they end up together in the end. Surprisingly, I laughed like a drain a number of times.  The funny bits are all the bits that Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend are not in.

(NB: I was not drunk, and watched it alone in a tiny apartment in Paris, accompanied by two mice and a cockroach called Jules.)

Wall-E
It is OK but there is a message in it about taking care of the earth etc., and I couldn't see what was so wrong about going everywhere in a mini-hovercraft. I watched it on a plane next to a man with a moustache.

Kitchen Stories
In this film, a Swedish man on a tall ladder watches a Norwegian man move around in his kitchen.  It is brilliant.  It also came out quite a long time ago, but I have never claimed to be either "with it" or "down with the kids", so it doesn't matter.

Route 132
A Quebec film that I do not recommend unless you like following words and/or expressions:

"road-trip"
"dead child"
"redemption"
"bleak"
"wise aunt"
"crime that you will get caught for"
"self-discovery"

The bit with the crosses in the water was quite good. My husband liked it, but then he is a bleak Quebecker.

Life As We Know It
Sometimes, I forget things. My name. My address. My pin number. All my passwords.  Why the fuck I ever paid $4.99 for this film on iTunes.

The September Issue
Highly diverting if you are tired and still wearing Autumn/Winter 2007, as I am.  In it, you learn that Anna Wintour is mental and that fashion smells of wee.

L'Arnacoeur
I watched this on the way to Paris. I was a bit drunk. It is quite diverting, in a French sort of a way. I can see why J. Depp wants to "do it" with V. Paradis. I can't really remember what happens in it.

Continental, un film sans fusil
Another bleak Quebec film. There is line dancing in it, and something to do with a hotel reception.

Beyond The Lighted Stage

Ring ring
Ring ring.
Hello?
Hello it is me.
Hello.
What are you doing?
I am watching a documentary film about Rush.
Are you feeling all right?
Now you mention it, I am feeling a little Geddy.*

Leap Year
No. Just no.

Cabotins
A cheerful Quebec film. I liked it very much. It is about vaudeville people putting on a show in a barn and has a good joke in it about a man dying 'in flagrante'.

The Fantastic Mr Fox
There is a reason why I have watched this film four times, and it is only partially to do with the yoga fox.

Helvetica
Blah blah, design, wank wank, design, bollocksy wank wank.   Very interesting in parts but exactly one hour too long.  This documentary is clearly a favourite with this sort of person:

Me? I like Caslon Antique, but on Tuesdays I usually feel Gill Sans.

OK that is it for the moment. I have to go and made another cake out of chocolate and beetroot (trust me, it is quite delicious), but I will watch the films that were recommended in the comments on my last set of film reviews and I will review them even if it kills me.

Pip "Snowplough" Pip

NWM

* Quite the best joke I have ever made, I am sure you will agree. 

I watch snow and I watch films

Ah, yes. Hello. "Where have you been? We do not really care, but still, we were a bit curious", I hear you cry. (I can hear you shouting it, even if the sound is not coming out of your mouths.)

I have not been anywhere, is the answer. I am in Montreal still, waiting to be given a bilingual double-thumbs up by two governments.  Whilst I wait, my tiny monkey face presses against the window, watching the snow fall and fall out of the sky.

At night, when we are at the country extension of Monkey Towers, the little red light that tells us that it is under -15 outside has been on a lot.  It was -32 last week, which I heard described as "a bit fresh" by a Canadian. (They are as hard as fucking nails, Canadians. You heard it here first. Do not believe the wishy-washy hype.)   The exciting weather conditions have, however, allowed me to have some excellent conversations with my husband, a French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist. For e.g.:

We are in bed, a sort of Arts and Crafts affair that is very high off the ground. There is an electric blanket; only one side is on (c.f. point re. Canadians being as hard as nails) and I am on that side, spreading myself out as much as possible in manner of a starfish in a Michelin man suit.  A small cat is batting away imaginary moths. It is snowing.  Outside, the wind's incomplete unrest builds and disperses clouds in the sky, and dark towns heap up on the horizon. 


Me: You know it's -32 outside?

F-CVRH:  (Puts down the New Yorker, takes off reading glasses, $5 from the chemist) Yes.

Me: How long, right, would it take for me to DIE if I was outside now, but naked?

F-CVRH: (Long sigh, like is explaining to tiny child what gravity is) Not long.

Me: What is "not long"? You are a rubbish scientist. You need to be more precise.

F-CVRH: I mean "not long".

Me: But what do you MEAN? 4 minutes? Three hours? Half an hour?

F-CVRH: A couple of hours.

Me: OK. I will take it that you mean maybe up to two but probably less. Anyway. Is it true that if you are about to die of hypothermia and you are with another person, you should take all your clothes off? Is it? Is it?

F-CVRH: Aren't you tired yet?

Me: No. Also, what do you prefer: doing a wee, or doing a poo?

When I am not having conversations and waiting, I am watching films in cinemas, at home and on aeroplanes.  So many, in fact, that I have decided to become a film critic.  I know you will not be surprised - I am very talented and it is only to be expected that I can analyse things and give you my opinion on them. OK. Here goes.

The King's Speech
Entertaining. Colin Firth is quite handsome in it.  Queen Mother comes across as quite nice when in fact we all know she was a gin-soaked old lady with disgraceful teeth and a cupboard stuffed with the desiccated bodies of her dead Corgis, their tiny faces stretched in a rictus grin for all eternity. An Australian plays the king that resigned. His face does not look right at all.

The Kids Are All Right
It was all right.  I had a bottle of water and an orange sweet.

Inception
"So the thing is, right, that he'll be woken up by the bump, but the thing is, we have to knock him out so you might think he won't notice the bump if he's unconscious.  So what I've made sure I've done is invent a drug that will knock him out WITHOUT interfering with his inner ear function."

Oh shut up.

The Social Network
I liked it.  The trailer is good and I am sure that bad advertising agencies will be using it to explain to their clients what "the social media" is before the year is out.

Barney's Version
I liked it a lot. Set in Montreal and thereabouts so good if you can't be bothered to visit here but wonder what it looks like. (I can send photos if you're that interested.) Paul thingy is very good.

I laughed a lot in it and ate half an almond biscuit. Enjoyment of film enhanced by running commentary from 7 old ladies and gents behind a) pointing out bits of Montreal they recognised; b) being rude about the quality of the wedding in the wedding scene; c) speaking a language we did not understand, but guessed at Romanian.  Canadian film. I cried a bit in it too. (P.S. The makeup is astonishing. Truly.)

Incendies
This is a ALSO a Canadian film and it is very very very very very very very very good. It is up for an Oscar because it is not in English.  It is not exactly a thigh-slapper but everyone sat in silence at the end (no crying or anything embarrassing like that) and then went out silently without doing that bollocks "Oh this is what I think" shite that people do after seeing 'arty' films.  You had better read a bit about it.

I Am Love
In this film, Tilda Swinton pretends to be a Russian lady living in Milan. She shows a man how to make ukha, then the family are angry and she runs away.  I have literally no fucking idea what it was all about it but it looked nice.  It is Italian.

Oxygen
This is a film about two people with cystic fibrosis in a Belgian hospital. Proof of my theory (that I am building) that the more unpromisingly weird a film sounds, the better it is. It is brilliant. Everyone sat in silence, etc (see 'Incendies' above).  Link here.

I think that is enough for now. I have seen other films of course, and turned other ones off after 3 minutes, and watched over 300 episodes of "Come Dine With Me', but that is for another day. If you like my film reviews (and admit it, they are excellent), I will do more. In the meantime I shall say:

Pip "Shit off, Mark Kermode" Pip

NWM

P.S. What film do you think I should see next? I will see it if:

1. I haven't seen it already;
2. It is not a Mike Leigh film;
3. It is not either Sex and the City 2, Eat Love Pray or anything adapted from a 'book' by that Aherne woman.

Otherwise, I have a very, very high tolerance of films and books that other people dismiss as "chick lit", "chick flicks" etc etc so do not hold back.

I show you a short video film of a monkey washing a cat

May your weekends also be soapy, and accompanied by a similar soundtrack. 

I love you all. 

NWM

I post a picture of my cat

I have given up on my attempts to attract a literary agent using photographs of cats, but that is not to say that I am not keen to exploit one of the two cats with whom I share my home (and fleas) for the purposes of comedy, particularly when she (Corndog) is old, fat and prone to watching television.

Here is Corndog:

"What was she watching? We cannot bear the suspense any longer, etc!".  It is OK. I can hear your enthusiastic cries. Yes, loyal readers and/or fans, Corndog was watching - no word of a lie -  The Vanilla Ice Project.*  (I urge you to click on the link. You will not regret it for one second, and you will almost certainly find yourself making a face very much like Corndog's.)

Pip "Ice Ice Baby" Pip

NWM

Coming soon: I suggest a new format for Come Dine With Me, featuring blind people and helper monkeys

Disclaimer: if you are already wisely following me on Twitter, I cannot hide the fact that I am enthusiastically recycling informations, photographs etc. Still, not much is happening and I need all the help I can get

I announce a winner

Regular readers will be aware that I recently offered up caption competition.  In the photograph, Michael Douglas - with a tiny shrunken head - gurned from behind the gorged fizzogs of Ms Catherine "Shirley" Zeta-Jones and Ms Angelina "She's So" Jolie, creating an image, if ever there was one, that could never be complete without a caption supplied by my adoring readers and/or fans.

As usual, the quality (and number!) of entrants was high, reminding me - yet again - that the vast majority of my regular readers and/or fans are of above-average intelligence, and have faces.   You may read the various entries for yourself in the comments box below the original post. You may disagree with my choice, but I suspect you will not. 

The winner is Xtreme English, and here is her caption: 

oboy! i'm not dead yet!!

What's not to like?

Pip pip!

NWM