Motivation

"Be your dreams!".  "A friend just knows."  "Do what you love. Love what you do."

And so it goes on. Every day Pinterest, the dank walls of lightless cubicles and the Facebook pages of someone you met a 'bonding awayday' in 2009 become ever-more densely filled with pictures of bridges, kittens, wisftul looking ladies on beaches or verdant forest paths covered in 'inspiring words'.

They are not inspiring. They are rubbish. Half of them don't make sense, and most of them are signed "anon",  or "unknown" or with the names of people who made their fortune writing Hallmark greeting cards.  The ones that are attributed to someone you have heard of do not sound probable. For e.g.:

"Reach for the Stars!"
Winston Churchill

"Be the reason someone smiles today"
 Charles Dickens

"One day someone is going to hug you so tight all your broken pieces will stick together."
Jane Austen

This is all rubbish, so I have invented some motivational posters that will help negotiate the bore-infested workplace that you, dear reader and/or fan are forced to negotiate every day. OK here goes.

A perennial classic. Useful in the seconds before you are tempted to report/send email about/complain about/punch Work Arsehole. He is Work Arsehole. Everyone can see it. You do not have to point it out. You will rise above it and behave with dignity and restraint like the grownup you are.

Uncharacteristic sensitivity to swear-wary readers here with the asterisks replacing the UNT, but 2 "cunts" are probably too many in one day. Anyhow, this is very useful if you are in a long meeting with a man talking about laddering up, circling back, touching base, etc.  You probably shouldn't say it out loud with your mouth, but you could print this out and put it in the back of your notebook. Or remember it in your head.

Not sweary, but useful - especially if your walk along a suspiciously well-tended path in an verdant glade is marred by worry about Jackson in accounts is saying about you to Jacquii in IT.   Who cares.  Really.

A classic, originally (apparently) from Poland.
Useful if you are witness to Grade A fuckwittery that isn't really any of your business and/or if you are the type to be irritated by inefficiency, bad decisions etc that are bound to turn out badly.  I now say this out loud a lot, having spent quite a long time involving myself in things that I wasn't actually being given money to do. Life is very relaxing now. 

What I won't be doing in 2014

Yes. It is 2014. Here are the things I will continue not to do this year:

• "Work on" myself, unless in expected and/or polite ways, e.g. trimming ladygarden when wearing hotpants, bleaching moustache, cleaning intimate areas with damp flannel before going out on hot days, etc
• Have an "attitude of gratitude" or claim to be "digging deeper"
• Wear undercrackers of any brand other than the Sloggis that go up to your waist and are 3% elastic
• Do the Namaste bow/greeting thing
• Eat cucumber
• Enjoy the oeuvre of Sting
• Get rid of the itch in my ear which is EITHER eczema OR ear dandruff*
• Use up all my laser hair removal vouchers (paid in full c. 2010) despite moustache and hotpants (see above)
• Pick up stuff I leave on the floor (e.g. bits of paper, fluff, safety pins, etc) 
• Eat enough fish.

What will you continue not to do this year?

* Mike on 'The Shahs of Sunset' was diagnosed with ear dandruff and it looked pretty much like what I have. Having enjoyed a quick search of said affliction on Google I discovered that a) dandruff is a fungus (or 'champignon' in French), and b) you treat it with clotrimazole, which informed readers know is what is in the Canesten you use when you are trying to treat your chuff itch.

5 things. 6th April

1. I only really like Pinterest now (and Facebook for looking at pictures of ex-colleagues whose names I don't remember at other peoples' weddings).   All you need to do is look at pictures.  My idea is that it functions on the basis that "a picture speaks a thousand words", i.e. one picture of a person dressed as a fluffy dog with a fluffy dog on a lead = 4 mediocre web-blog posts from me about nothing in particular.  If you would like to see my collections of images of people dressed as animals and animals dressed as people, you can look at them here.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.
   
2. At work, the newspapers and articles and internet 'experts' & other things we have to read to do our jobs talk about 'digital natives' and Generation I (not sure how we got there from Y but no matter, I do not decide these things). These are the 2-year-olds who are on your iPad posting reviews of the latest Dora the Explorer & 'accidentally' buying ponies online.  I don't understand why people are still talking about this like it's something amazing - it's not.
   
3. What is terrifying, however, is the fact that 70% of children under 10 contribute to decisions made around 'major household purchases'.  This is far more terrifying to me than 2 year olds on iPads.  In my mind, it is always the 70s, and small children are in Fair Isle jumpers on the compost heap at the bottom of the garden playing with sticks and worms, not contributing to a lively debate about whether or not the next family holiday will be in St Barts or 'Turks' (whatever the fuck that is) over a delicious kale salad.   I will not link to the blog in question, but apparently children like this truly do exist and here is the proof:
   
   
   

   The other night, he exclaimed “Goodness Gracious!  This salad is delicious!  I love it!!!”  And yesterday, as he chowed down another big bowl of kale salad, he said with bulging eyes “Mama! I can’t stop!  This is so delicious!”

   
   Christ on a bike.
   
4. I do however  want a version of Gogglebox that is the viewer watching the viewers of the TV programmes. It could go on indefinitely, like those halls of mirrors. If you are in the yew-kay (or can do something tricky so 4oD thinks you are), you can watch it here.  I find it very funny.
   
5. Alice and Chris off of the Archers are talking like Canada like it is the promised land. They need to be very careful about this, & they also need to be aware that if they are going to Vancouver they are not going to be able to 'live in a house', set up a horseshoeing shop, or go skiing every night (unless Alice is going to be paid $500,000 a year).   My only regret is that it's not theTomArcherbrand going to Canada. The bit of Canada that is Nunavut where there are airports that have no roads in and out of them. That part of Canada.

*NB We will be laughing our tits off at the quaint charm of "Pinterest", "Facebook", "Instagram" and "iPhone" in about 3 months' time, but bear with me for the (transient, everything shall come to dust) moment.

5 Things. 19th March

1. Have no 'staying power' & am no good at doing anything for long* (for e.g. cannot keep up just writing 5 things down every day) because forget or get bored or bore myself.
2. Find self quite uninteresting, which is not to say I think I am boring (not my decision to make anyway).  Do not want to sit around wondering what people think of me, what I think of myself, my inner workings motivations etc etc etc as frankly there are other things to think about, e.g. why O why are there only 8 series of 'Entourage', why is Ari Gold in a beard on ITV on Sunday nights and when Ari Gold is on ITV on Sunday nights, where are Johnny Drama, Turtle, Vince, E, etc? Apparently there's a film coming, that's good, don't think Adrian Grenier will be a better actor but Ari Gold will be in it.
3. Have not been writing 5 things, birthday cards, cleaning house etc as have been watching 'Entourage' since 18 February.
4. Always with the snow. I mean really it has been "at it" all day long. Is always the same. It heats up (i.e. -1) for a week and all the East Coast Canadians scream (nothing on West coast, only rain and people saying 'thank you' on busses), and run around in bikinis then the clouds come again and you wake up in the morning and it's 7am and you think, that's odd, why's it still dark and why is there no noise anywhere, and you look out of the window and it's 3ft deep and January again. Meanwhile, on the Archers, spring has sprung and Tom Archer is still talking about his ready meals and Pat and Tony are still talking about their fucking 'organic brand'. Everyone on the Archers has to stop talking about 'marketing strategy' etc. I am losing my mind.
5. Found a rug in the cellar that I like that has been eaten by Canadian moths. Will wash it & put it out and say Yes it is an Antique from PERSIA 14th century I think & see if anyone can tell. Maybe they will think, she is from Europe everything is old there, crusted in dust.

* Apart from watching 'Entourage'

Five (5) Things. OSCAR NITE

1. John Travola Lego hair.
2. Michelle Obama, what a smasher.
3. Very proud of English ladies winning prizes for costume design and makeup and barely bothering to dress up at all. Makeup and hair ladies looked like they had got their outfits and hairdos at Debenhams.
4. See Jack Nicholson, start laughing immediately.
5. Sets, out of the 70s, designed by Siegfried and Roy, j'en suis convaincu.