Oh good God

SHRIEK SHRIEK etc, so much to write about and so I will, the words spurting from my monkey fingers like chocolate from a fountain at a second-rate wedding somewhere in a banqueting hall in Laval.

Topicks will include things I am for and things I am against.

For: 

• Gel/shellac manicures (and pedicures)
• Technological products created by the Apple Corporation of America
• France, where I will be from Sunday for two weeks (on a "holiday")
• Reality TV
• Impending unemployment
• Having clothes made by a lady in Shanghai 
• Stealing ideas from Belgian Waffle
• Fuck Your Noguchi Coffee Table 
• Deborah, Duchess of Devonshire's memoirs 

Against: 

• Dell computers
• BlackBerries
• Use of word "curated" by people who couldn't pick a decent-looking ham sandwich if it bit them on the arse, let alone have the right to posit themselves as experts with the god-given right to 'curate' which pieces of journalism/nude accessories/bell jars with fucking plants in them etc I am to be exposed to
• Sting (plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose)
• The Royal Bank of Scotland

OK more to come on these topicks and more. 

In the meantime I remain, in this as in all weathers, 

NWM

What?!

The possibility of literal non-workingness looms. Do I run towards it with grasping little monkey hands, or fight it with all my simian might?

Only time and lady luck will tell.  In the meantime, there is absinthe.

Pip "UB40" pip!

NWM

Expressions I think should be used more often (by everyone)

"And you can put that in your pipe and smoke it."

"Calme-toi le pompon, ostie."

"Tell him to go pound it."

"You'd be sorry if I were dead."

"Whatevs."

"I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

"Get back to work."

"La la la, I can't hear you."

"Who just joined?"

"Poke it."

"What is WRONG with you?"

"What. Have. We. Become."

"What have YOU become?"

"OK. I'm going to go get a tiny little gay coffee now."

When this is all over

It will make a very, very good book.  It is to do with work, of course, and cannot be spoken of.

In the meantime, I am here a lot, pinning things on imaginary walls and realising that I may in fact be a Danish lesbian. If I were the type of lady that does moodboards for her wedding hair, I would be in company. Thankfully, I am the sort of monkey that knows of the man who does this, and who also does this, so I am (mercifully) in good company.

For my next trick, I will join another call with APJ, bang that fucker on mute (as apparently they say), settle back with some lukewarm Jack Daniel's mixed with flat lemon sodapop, and watch "Smash"

Pip "China Team?" pip!

NWM

p.s. I have not forgotten about the caption competition

I run a caption competition

Regular readers will be aware of the work of Corndog The Cat, who had some kittens and hid them in the branches of a bush, where they all lived quite happily until she (Corndog) was adopted by my husband, a French-Canadian veterinary histopathologist (who enjoys pre-clinical safety biomarker validation).  (The kittens were also adopted and not used in any pre-clinical trials.)

Here she is. Corndog. When I look at this picture, I think: it will not be physically possible for my adoring readers and/or fans to resist engaging in a "Caption Competion" when they see this snapshot!!!

Come on. You know you can't resist.  So here you are. Give it your "best shot":

NB: no captions along the lines of "I am sad I am so fat I wish my owners would not give me so much food!", if you please, for the simple reason that passive-aggressive first-person anthropomorphism is just what it sounds like, i.e. a pile of wank. Plus we are not blind OR stupid, but it is hard to control this simple fact: Corndog is very fat because she is able to open the refrigerator door and eat all the butter. This is not a joke.