I attempt to choose my wedding cake topper

Yes. The wedding day approaches (in 6 weeks). The Marguerite PotLuck project has had to be "put on ice" (as they say in management circles when they are not suggesting that people "reach out" to one another) in favour of a far more exciting endeavour: the 'bake your own wedding cake' project.

I will not be making a 3-tiered fruitcake thing with fondant icing for a few simple reasons:

1. I do not like fondant icing;
2. I am not sure that anyone else likes fondant icing;
3. I do not like eating things that have to be fiddled with and 'manipulated';
4. I do not like eating things that also double up as a decoration. (Chocolate Christmas tree decorations aside.)

Instead, I shall be making many different bundt cakes (so pretty, and found less often in the UK than in the North America, I think). They do not need to be fussed with much and are pretty as they are, perhaps with a little icing sugar dusted across their soft receiving mounds, or, at most, a perky little glaze.

We are doing a scientific experiment, overseen by the pathologist, in which I bake a cake; part of it is wrapped and stored in the fridge for a week, part of it frozen, and the other part eaten by anyone who crosses our path. If they pass all the tests (freezes/keeps well, tastes like mouthporn), then they are IN.

So far, we have a lemon and lavender cake, a chocolate cake and a magnificent orange, carrot and ginger cake (the recipe is originally from Cooks Illustrated but this is the same recipe), and need two more - any ideas gratefully suggested, as long as they contain neither shortening nor margarine.

And yet - this is a wedding. Surely something must come rising out of the most attractive of the bundt cakes, indicating to all those gathered present that they in fact at a wedding, at not at a Women's Institute coffee morning. But what's it to be? The choices are endless.


Bridal Arch

A classic.
















Dance of Love

For only $149, the pathologist and I can (metaphorically) dance into the sunset forever and ever.
















Magic Hands

How do our tiny white hands function if they are cut off from the rest of our body? Are they powered by our love alone?



















Dirty Seahorses

Why are seahorses so odd? They are the favourite living creature of the pathologist (along with bats), and yet I find them strange, like something made up in an underwater sci-fi comic book.












The Lionel Ritchie

Hello. Is it me you're looking for?














Strange Children

























Pigs on a Harley

I make no comment about Harley drivers being pigs. No, I lie: I will. Harley drivers - particularly the ones that roar up and down our (otherwise quiet) country road at the weekends, starting at 8am, are inconsiderate wankers, and a damn sight less sympathetic, useful and attractive than real pigs. (Interesting fact: the average age of a Harley owner is 62).






Moptop dream of love

Sindy, crossed with Ringo Starr (early years), crossed with a Playperson.



(By the way, if you haven't seen Cake Wrecks, go there now and kiss goodbye to at least a quarter of an hour.)

I need a little sit down in the car park

I don't care if this is a hoax. In fact, if it is a hoax, I will definitely always buy Haribo's products forever (which is probably the result they wanted: if so, well done Haribo! You have snared me with your cunning social media strategy marketing plan communications efforts type strategy!).

You will like it. Do click on the link, even if it does increase traffic to the Daily "Fucking" Mail.

I watch wedding porn, Pt 2

Regular readers will be aware of my last foray into wedding porn, from which I emerged slightly soiled and confused.

Time has passed; our own wedding date approaches. It is not causing too much trouble, as we are untroubled by the things that trouble other people (calligraphy, wedding invitations that involve at least 3 envelopes, matching bridesmaids, etc); for example, in the last 24 hours we have arranged the entire thing, including a banjo player in a cardboard boat (complete with fishing rod and inflatable fish) who has been booked to play "Besame Mucho" whilst our adoring friends and family suck from 2 pint buckets of neat gin. (We shall position him in the over-wrought fireplace of the 'venooo' and he will look as if he is rowing out of it. It will be brilliant.)

Meanwhile, the wedding ladies in the "Blog O'Sphere", as I believe it is called, keep going with their parasols and identically-posed photographs. If you want to, you can order 25 sugar lumps, each one iced with a decoration of your choice, for $100. If you are having a fashionable wedding, you may well have 'succulents' in your wedding flowers; if you do not do that, you will use Mason jars for everything, including candles, glasses, flowers, 'wedding favors' and, unaccountably, place cards.*








































And if you are not using Mason jars, you will probably be using blackboards (or "chalkboards", as they are called in Great Britain). You will use these chalkboards for everything, including directions to your venooo, cake labels, place labels or Mason jar labels. Mason jars and chalkboards. Chalkboards and mason jars. Me, I just want there to be enough beverages.

But still. If anyone looking for genuine wedding porn has got this far, I will direct you to one place and one place only: the Victoria and Albert Museum, who have had the brilliant idea of building a kind of online archive of wedding photographs through the ages. It is quite brilliant: hilarious and strangely moving. And, if you can't get away from Mason jars, chalkboards and the need to spend over $1,000 on 50 Letterpress wedding invitation 'suites', really rather inspiring.






























































* Old jars have always looked pretty with candles and flowers in them, but now it is a "trend", so we must take it very seriously.

I realise that it is difficult to translate accurately the excellent French word, "con"

I recommend some courgette muffins

...Or "zucchini", if you are North American.

Yes, my friends. If you are growing courgettes (or zucchini) in your garden and then one day realise that they out of control and enormous, do not despair, and do not think about bad things like stuffed marrow. No. Instead, grasp your over-sized squash in your soft receiving hands and hasten to your kitchen, there to transform them into muffins. (Do not balk at this: carrot muffins make sense, so why not courgette muffins?).

Anyway, I made these on Saturday. They are utterly, remarkably delicious. I found the recipe here and agree with the author in all ways, except I would highly recommend making them with olive oil not butter, and (because of what I had in my cupboard), I replaced all that cinnamon and the nutmeg with 1 1/2 tsp ginger and 1 tsp cinnamon.

If you do not have cups (because you are in Europe and able to do complicated things with ounces and/or grams), I will not translate the measurements but will direct you here instead so you can do it yourself.

INGREDIENTS
3 cups grated fresh zucchini
2/3 cup melted unsalted butter
1 1/3 cup sugar
2 eggs, beaten
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 teaspoons baking soda
Pinch salt
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1 cup walnuts (optional, but I used them)
1 cup raisins or dried cranberries (optional, but I used sultanas)

METHOD
"You don't need a mixer for this recipe. (No, you don't but I made them in the Kitchen Aid and grated the courgette in the processor)

Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). In a large bowl combine the sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Stir in the grated zucchini and then the melted butter. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the zucchini mixture and mix in. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Stir these dry ingredients into the zucchini mixture. Stir in walnuts, raisins or cranberries if using.

Coat each muffin cup in your muffin pan with a little butter or vegetable oil spray. Use a spoon to distribute the muffin dough equally among the cups, filling the cups up completely. Bake on the middle rack until muffins are golden brown, and the top of the muffins bounce back when you press on them, about 25 to 30 minutes. Test with a long toothpick or a thin bamboo skewer to make sure the center of the muffins are done. Set on wire rack to cool for 5 minutes. Remove muffins from the tin let cool another 20 minutes.

Note, if you are including walnuts and dried fruit, you will likely have more batter than is needed for 12 muffins. I got about 14 muffins from this batch, and that included filling the muffin cups up as far as they could possibly go (above the surface of the muffin tin)."

She forgot "eat them up quick smart before thieving local children steal them as they cool on a rack in the kitchen window".

Note: these muffins contain no calories because they have grated vegetables in them. This also applies to carrot cake (contains carrots) and banana bread (contains bananas), but does not apply to Lemon Drizzle Cake which only has lemon juice in it, and that doesn't count.