Day 470: I Am Given A Sign

I screech to a halt and fall from the car clutching my 'camera telephone'. I am preparing to take the photograph when a middle aged couple walk past and stop.

Lady: What are you doing?
Me: Taking a photograph of the sign.
Man: Why?
Me: I find it funny.
Lady: (As if she is a French Duchess and I am a cretin) What is funny about that sign?
Me: (Uncertainly) Nothing?
Man: Nowadays people take photographs of anything at all.*
Me: Yes.
Lady: Well, have a good day.
Me: Yes. You too. Goodbye.
Man to Lady:(Walking off) I think she was foreign.






And to think that this morning, I was going to give up my web-blog forever!


* Note: the conversation was in French, for I am in Quebec. What he actually said was "n'importe quoi", which is funnier.

Day 469: I Am Very Sad

All that effort on Wednesday night for no reason at all. I dressed up as Rick Wakeman and dipped thirty mini Mars bars in Ketamine (carefully re-sealing the packet afterwards), and how many 'local kiddies' came knocking? None, that's how many. I don't know why I bother. Ungrateful little shits.

Day 467: I Offer Up Some Halloween Treats

Yes. It is Halloween. Sadly, my plan to adorn the 'porch' of our (very attractive) Quebec 'home'* with four pumpkins, each carved to represent the face of a member of Oasis, has gone awry; in addition to and top of that, I have decided to go not as Edward Woodward, but as Rick Wakeman, who you may look at below in this photograph:


















I nearly went as The Alan Parsons Project, but if you look at his hair (there, on the left), you will see that it is not as good as Wakeman's, and he doesn't have a cloak.


But I digress! I am very busy this afternoon, for there are approximately three hundred children in this village, twenty of whom I expect to make it as far as our house. That means I have twenty Snickers bars to unwrap, dip in Ketamine and re-seal, and these things take time. You will therefore have to amuse yourselves with things I find amusing.

Amusing Thing 1

A parrot dancing to the Backstreet Boys

Amusing Thing 2

Flight of the Conchords in the nude in front of you.

Amusing Thing 3

Look, it's Fred and Ginger, having a dance.

Amusing Thing 4

If you so wish, you may shave my yeti.

I wish you all a happy Halloween, and may the small boxes of Sunmaid Raisins given to your children by well-meaning but infuriatingly self-righteous neighbours not be infested by the droppings of mice, unlike the drawer in which we keep our oven gloves!




* I hate that shit. I live in a house. In England, I live in a flat. "Let me welcome you into our home, where you will be able to enjoy the new three piece suite we have installed in our cozy lounge". It is almost as bad as 'property', e.g. "I have purchased a property", when what you really mean is "I have bought a one-bedroom flat above a curry house in Luton".

Day 465: I Make My Halloween Costume

Here it is! Can you guess who I am going as?

Day 465: I Begin Preparations For Halloween

My vision is simple: I want four pumpkins, each bearing the face of a member of Oasis, arranged on our 'porch' by nightfall on Wednesday. With any luck these, and the wholemeal jizz muffins (iced with scenes from the Old Testament) will act as an effective deterrent against "Trick or Treating", otherwise known as common local children in ill-fitting supermarket costumes threatening to torch your Subaru if you don't give them sweets.

The muffin recipe is etched on my memory, of course, but where to find a pumpkin carving pattern? Not here, sadly, and I could probably get patterns here, but don't want to spend the money (as it will cost over $80 (US) to get all four members sorted and I do not currently have an income).

And so, yet again, I turn to my loyal and adoring readers: does anyone know where I can get free pumpkin carving patterns, each for every member of Oasis*? If you can't get all of them, the following will suffice:

1. A pattern of Liam and/or Noel;
2. A photograph of someone else's Oasis Jack-O-Lantern(s) that I can copy.

Thanks in advance!!

Pip pip

NWM

* c. Wonderwall, i.e. pre-Appleton spanners.