Yes. It is Halloween. Sadly, my plan to adorn the 'porch' of our (very attractive) Quebec 'home'* with four pumpkins, each carved to represent the face of a member of Oasis, has gone awry; in addition to and top of that, I have decided to go not as Edward Woodward, but as Rick Wakeman, who you may look at below in this photograph:
I nearly went as The Alan Parsons Project, but if you look at his hair (there, on the left), you will see that it is not as good as Wakeman's, and he doesn't have a cloak.
But I digress! I am very busy this afternoon, for there are approximately three hundred children in this village, twenty of whom I expect to make it as far as our house. That means I have twenty Snickers bars to unwrap, dip in Ketamine and re-seal, and these things take time. You will therefore have to amuse yourselves with things I find amusing.
Amusing Thing 1
A parrot dancing to the Backstreet Boys
Amusing Thing 2
Flight of the Conchords in the nude in front of you.
Amusing Thing 3
Look, it's Fred and Ginger, having a dance.
Amusing Thing 4
If you so wish, you may shave my yeti.
I wish you all a happy Halloween, and may the small boxes of Sunmaid Raisins given to your children by well-meaning but infuriatingly self-righteous neighbours not be infested by the droppings of mice, unlike the drawer in which we keep our oven gloves!
* I hate that shit. I live in a house. In England, I live in a flat. "Let me welcome you into our home, where you will be able to enjoy the new three piece suite we have installed in our cozy lounge". It is almost as bad as 'property', e.g. "I have purchased a property", when what you really mean is "I have bought a one-bedroom flat above a curry house in Luton".
I nearly went as The Alan Parsons Project, but if you look at his hair (there, on the left), you will see that it is not as good as Wakeman's, and he doesn't have a cloak. But I digress! I am very busy this afternoon, for there are approximately three hundred children in this village, twenty of whom I expect to make it as far as our house. That means I have twenty Snickers bars to unwrap, dip in Ketamine and re-seal, and these things take time. You will therefore have to amuse yourselves with things I find amusing.
Amusing Thing 1
A parrot dancing to the Backstreet Boys
Amusing Thing 2
Flight of the Conchords in the nude in front of you.
Amusing Thing 3
Look, it's Fred and Ginger, having a dance.
Amusing Thing 4
If you so wish, you may shave my yeti.
I wish you all a happy Halloween, and may the small boxes of Sunmaid Raisins given to your children by well-meaning but infuriatingly self-righteous neighbours not be infested by the droppings of mice, unlike the drawer in which we keep our oven gloves!
* I hate that shit. I live in a house. In England, I live in a flat. "Let me welcome you into our home, where you will be able to enjoy the new three piece suite we have installed in our cozy lounge". It is almost as bad as 'property', e.g. "I have purchased a property", when what you really mean is "I have bought a one-bedroom flat above a curry house in Luton".
12 comments:
Fo' sheezy.
I especially appreciate the translated description of Oasis-- too outrageous to be reprinted here.
We are going out for Halloween, thereby avoiding the whole hassle of giving over an evening to answering the door to sullen smallish people in funny clothes. This didn't prevent us from buying a humoungous bag of Rockets.
a monkey in a cloak sounds excellent.
ps try not to trip.
Ooh a parrot dancing to BSB - very funny. Little Miss Farty loves that modern beat combo, will let you know what she thinks.
Glad you enjoyed the gizoogle link. Fo' shizzle ;-)
actually, what "i have purchased a property" means for most people is that "i've agreed to indebt myself for at least 25 years for the right to live in a house that i otherwise afford because the one i truly can afford is a flat in luton [or insert town with cheap housing and awful-sounding name here]"
otherwise can't afford
Deeply envious of that cloak. Although I think it's more of a cape - what with being all golden and sparkly and stuff. In fact, with a second glance I'm sure of it because sideburns like that could only come with superpowers.
Now me, I discovered really superior method of keeping away the little sugar junkies: Mozart. Drives the little bastards right off the front steps. Yah, that's right, I got me some Fledermaus right here, and I'm willing to crank this puppy up to full.
BTW - I was deeply depressed that a whole... lemme add up here ... 30 seconds hard googling (gee that sounds dirty) did not come up with my personal dream Halloween costume: Donny Osmond as Highy Successful Joseph In His Chariot Of Gold. I can't... I mean... there was gold lame armor! And a shiny golden tea towel for the head! And an arse sling or something 'round the back! But the gizoogle link has turned things around since I'm a web designer and have many many client's sites to type into the little magic box. Thank you.
Has your home (err, residence?) got an 'en suite'or two, or is that 'on sweet'? How dare you take the piss out of two of my favorite musicians; you know, you must have heard all their albums over and over again! "The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table" on ice at Wembley Arena, one of Rick's best concerts ever...not!
Is it just me or does it look in the photo like the Wakeman is being, hmm... orally pleasured ? And live at the BBC, no less !
What fun the 70's must have been.
Careful - before you know it you'll have a 'breakfast bar' and seashell-shaped soaps you only put out when guests are coming round.
But she doesn't have ginger hair! That seems wrong.
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