Day 467: I Offer Up Some Halloween Treats

Yes. It is Halloween. Sadly, my plan to adorn the 'porch' of our (very attractive) Quebec 'home'* with four pumpkins, each carved to represent the face of a member of Oasis, has gone awry; in addition to and top of that, I have decided to go not as Edward Woodward, but as Rick Wakeman, who you may look at below in this photograph:


















I nearly went as The Alan Parsons Project, but if you look at his hair (there, on the left), you will see that it is not as good as Wakeman's, and he doesn't have a cloak.


But I digress! I am very busy this afternoon, for there are approximately three hundred children in this village, twenty of whom I expect to make it as far as our house. That means I have twenty Snickers bars to unwrap, dip in Ketamine and re-seal, and these things take time. You will therefore have to amuse yourselves with things I find amusing.

Amusing Thing 1

A parrot dancing to the Backstreet Boys

Amusing Thing 2

Flight of the Conchords in the nude in front of you.

Amusing Thing 3

Look, it's Fred and Ginger, having a dance.

Amusing Thing 4

If you so wish, you may shave my yeti.

I wish you all a happy Halloween, and may the small boxes of Sunmaid Raisins given to your children by well-meaning but infuriatingly self-righteous neighbours not be infested by the droppings of mice, unlike the drawer in which we keep our oven gloves!




* I hate that shit. I live in a house. In England, I live in a flat. "Let me welcome you into our home, where you will be able to enjoy the new three piece suite we have installed in our cozy lounge". It is almost as bad as 'property', e.g. "I have purchased a property", when what you really mean is "I have bought a one-bedroom flat above a curry house in Luton".

Day 465: I Make My Halloween Costume

Here it is! Can you guess who I am going as?

Day 465: I Begin Preparations For Halloween

My vision is simple: I want four pumpkins, each bearing the face of a member of Oasis, arranged on our 'porch' by nightfall on Wednesday. With any luck these, and the wholemeal jizz muffins (iced with scenes from the Old Testament) will act as an effective deterrent against "Trick or Treating", otherwise known as common local children in ill-fitting supermarket costumes threatening to torch your Subaru if you don't give them sweets.

The muffin recipe is etched on my memory, of course, but where to find a pumpkin carving pattern? Not here, sadly, and I could probably get patterns here, but don't want to spend the money (as it will cost over $80 (US) to get all four members sorted and I do not currently have an income).

And so, yet again, I turn to my loyal and adoring readers: does anyone know where I can get free pumpkin carving patterns, each for every member of Oasis*? If you can't get all of them, the following will suffice:

1. A pattern of Liam and/or Noel;
2. A photograph of someone else's Oasis Jack-O-Lantern(s) that I can copy.

Thanks in advance!!

Pip pip

NWM

* c. Wonderwall, i.e. pre-Appleton spanners.

Day 462: I Wonder Whether To Meet Up

There is a thing called Meet Up. "Whatever your interests. Wherever you are", it proclaims. “A convenient, non-threatening way to connect to other people who share similar interests and live nearby", screams Time Magazine, excitedly.

I am quite interested in it because I am new to French Canadia and do not yet have hundreds of friends (like I do in Britain, except they are crashing bores, which explains in part why I moved here in the first place). But which group to join?

The Laval Grooming and Nutrition Meetup Group
Sadly, this is for puppies, so I do not think they will be able to tell me where to get a thorough ladywax.

The Montreal Swissophile Meetup Group
If this is about neutrally eating Toblerone, I'm there.

Single women in words & media: Bookish group
I would rather pluck my eyes out with my tiny monkey hands and eat them than spend any time at all with a group of people who would describe themselves as 'single women in words & media'. (And anyway, I wouldn't join a Book Group if you paid me, let alone join something described as a "Bookish group".)

However, I may go just to suggest that we read The Well Of Loneliness. With any luck, it'll give them some ideas, create a lively 'session' and solve the problem of some of them being single, all in one go. Result.

Take Control of Your Future Career
Now you're talking!!!

"The Secret Behind the Secret" on Big Screen-- 2nd showing in Montreal
Might go to this as I am keen to see how people stupid enough to read and believe The Secret go about coping with everyday life, e.g. driving a car, attaching the velcro strips on their shoes, operating a Microwave, etc.

The Montreal Chihuahua October Meetup
That's more like it. Sadly I do not have a Chihuahua. I think they are having a Halloween party I hope it goes well. (I am not being sarcastic. This is exactly what this sort of thing should be about.)

Lovers and Other Strangers - Poetry Evening: Lovers and others: An evening of poetry on the theme of love, union and relationshiops
Sounds like a fucking belter.

Australian Culture Meetup
I fear someone is pulling our leg!

Body Modification Meetup
"Hi. I am looking to meet people that are into amputations (fingers, toes) in the montreal area."
I am definitely not going to that one.

I am reluctant to join a British Expats one for reasons that do not need explanation, but cannot decide whether to start one myself or not. I have been thinking about it a bit and came up with this:

"British People Who Couldn't Give A Fuck That You Can't Buy Marmite In Canada, Listen To Radio 4 On Their Computer, Smoke A Small Clay Pipe And Like French-Canadian Veterinary Research Pathologists Meetup".

What do you think? (It has a certain ring to it, I'm sure you will agree.)

Day 460: I Feel Very, Very, Far Away

Wherever I go outside Britain to speak English they do not understand me, even though I have a really normal English voice, like you get on the BBC when they are being a bit Estuarine.

I now know this for a fact.

Coffee shop, Washington DC, Sunday

- Could I have a skinny cappuccino please, extra shot. Small. To go.
- Two grande skinny caps. $8.90.
- No, just one. Small. Extra shot.
- One grande skinny cap, double.
- No.
- Please speak more clearly, ma'am!
- Yes. Fine. That is what I want. A grande skinny cap, double.
- You shoulda said so more clearly, ma'am. We're short today.
- Yes.
- That'll be $4.40.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me?

Coffee shop, New York, sometime in April

- Mushroom omelette please with brown toast, if that's OK.
- White toast?
- Brown.
- Bagel? Toasted?
- No, brown toast. Wholemeal toast.
- Ma'am, you need to speak more clearly. Rye toast?
- Yes. That's fine.

Air Canada flight, Washington (DC) to Montreal, today

- Quelque chose à boire? Something to drink?
- Water please.
- Excuse me?
- Water, please.
- Excuse me?
- WATER. WATER, PLEASE.
- OJ?
- De l'eau, s'il vous plaît
- Oh. Water. (Like I am a mental.) Ice?
- No thank you.
- Excuse me?
Lady next to me She doesn't want ice. Looks at me with pity in her kind Canadian eyes. That right?
- Yes. Thank you.

I am blushing furiously for I do not like fuss. I do not want the water anymore, and I definitely do not want the stupid rice crackers they give us, particularly when I realise they are not in the shape of maple leaves. When I get off the plane, the air hostess says "Merci et au revoir" in a sarcastic way, even though she knows I am English and has said "Thank you and goodbye" to the person in front of me.

I feel like I have something wrong, when I have not. I have just been talking with an English accent, but no-one understands me anywhere, not even in America where they speak English, or in Canada on an aeroplane.

I am not a cock so I know that all the Englishes are different, but it still makes me feel a bit sad, like $8 Marmite in Dean and Deluca, or the label on the Turner in the National Gallery in Washington that read: "On Loan from the Tate Gallery, London", or having to explain who Keith Chegwin is and knowing, absolutely, that nothing I can say will ever properly explain him, not really.