Wednesday, October 08, 2008

There Are Polite Ways Of Saying Things

For e.g.:


I couldn't agree more, but ...
I do not agree with you at all.

I completely see your point
You are wrong.

I can see your point of view
You are wrong and also stupid.

That's very interesting
That will happen over my dead and twitching body.

There may be another way of looking at this
I am now about to tell you what to do. Pay attention.

That's one way of doing it. Another is to ....
You are wrong. I am right.

What I suggest you think about is ...

Do it. Now.

Just looking at this objectively...
You are a fuckwit but you are also my client, so I cannot show you up.

I think that's a very interesting point of view.
I think you are retarded.

Possibly the best way to go at this is to ...
If we do not do this, everything will go to shit. Believe me.

That's one point of view!
You fucking cretin.

To be frank
I am quite close to hitting you.

To be honest
I am about to be very rude indeed.

May I be blunt?
I am about to tell you that you are a fucking idiot, so you may as well assume the 'brace' position.

With the greatest respect
I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Thanks for telling me. Now, how can I help you solve this problem?
Stop whining and go away.

How nice to hear from you
What do you want?

I've been in meetings all day
I have been avoiding your phone calls because I don't want to talk to you.

How was your weekend?
I am about to ask you to do something for me.

You're a star
Thank you for performing a mundane task, irritating person.

I hear you.
Fuck. Off.

15 comments:

Mephitis said...

I hear you.

(Sniggers naughtily)

katyboo1 said...

I always liked: 'With all due respect', which translates as 'I have as much respect for you as a lump of shit on my shoe.'

Anonymous said...

This will be printed and stuck to my office wall in precisely 11.5 hours time. Absolutely brilliant!!

Jude said...

Being fairly skilled at British passive agressive - I don't really understand what you are trying to say. And I think we have run out of time.

Perhaps you could put it on the agenda for the next meeting?

The Wrath of Dawn said...

I see your point.

It's right on top of your head.

I'd like to say I've enjoyed working here.

But I haven't.

Mr Farty said...

Whose idea was that?

I want to beat the crap out of him/her.

Katy Newton said...

"I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't draw the potential negatives to your attention..." = "What you are considering is personal and professional suicide."

monkeymother said...

I am so glad that your monkey education and years of parental guidance have proved fruitful.

Welsh Girl said...

I'm not sure it is possible to add anything once the Monkey mother has spoken. Wouldn't it be rude?

SpiralSkies said...

With the greatest respect

I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

(Unless I peed petrol)

sama said...

wondrous!

as usual, dear nwm, i have laughed until i was sick!

LĂ©onie said...

By God, being called a "star" makes me want to kill myself.

Beth said...

yes! yes! and 'yes' again!!
especially "to be frank..."

my own favourite is "I'm going to be perfectly blunt with you now"

= You're a fucking idiot, but by the time I've finished telling you why you're a fucking idiot you'll be thanking me and thinking I've done you a favour (which I have).

Cliff said...

I have found that "With the best will in the world" at my company means: "Never gonna happen."

Also "Speaking as a parent..." means "Some of my best friends are liberals, but..."

Adrian said...

Very very funny. I might use those in my emails from now on.

Reminds me a bit of Ze Franks take on email punctuation

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