As usual, I have cock-all of any import to say, and a couple of questions:
Question 1: Debbie Macomber
For reasons too strange to relate, I need to know if you are aware of the novels of Debbie Macomber. You can look at her website here. If you like her, why do you like her? And are you a Christian? (She cures hypertension, apparently.)
This Made Me Laugh So Much I Squirted
It is the very brilliant radio show, This American Life, and it is an episode called The Super. Watch out for the snowman.
Question 2: Vibrators and other 'marital aids'
Would you ever buy a vibrator and/or other 'marital aids' in a supermarket, if they were in 'discreet packaging' and stocked in the same place as the condoms and lubricants?
The New Web-blog
The other blog I write for, A Lard Off My Mind, is 'going great guns', as the vicar's wife might say about the Church Roof Fund.
You may like it. It is not whingey, it contains photographs of Millionaire's Shortbread, and the other three people who write for it are funny and interesting.
Sweary People-Descriptors
Regular readers will be aware of last weekend's post, in which I try to rank sweary person-descriptors. My list will, however, be revised in the next few days following excellent suggestions from readers, including douchebag, cockmonkey, prick and spastic. (It is not too late to add some of your own.)
Cat News
Regular readers will be aware of my view of cats (they must be exterminated), and of my cat Monster in particular. (Incidentally, he still needs a home; he's yours if you want him.)
However, it has been brought to my attention that some people like cats, and in particular, photographs of fat cats in foolish poses. I therefore bring you, as a special Saturday afternoon treat, some photographs of one of the cats with which I currently share a house. Yes, here she is: it is Corndog - almost as fat as Monster, much prettier, but still - sady - a cat.
Question 3: Are The Quebecois The Worst Drivers In Canada?
Why, when the roads are icy, visibility is about 10ft, the snow is horizontal, gigantic trucks travelling at 200mph are kicking up slush that covers your windscreen, and the wind is blowing at 90mph, do drivers in Quebec drive like fucking lunatics, including: 1. Changing lanes fast, into very small gaps, without indicating
2. Overtaking on the outside lane
3. Getting so close behind you you can't see their headlights in your rear view mirror
4. Swooping up behind you until you get out of the way, even if you have nowhere to move to.
It makes me sick with terror every time, and also explains why, on a mile-long stretch of the 640, there were three cars and one lorry either upside down or on their sides. I hate it. Does everyone in Canada drive like that, or is it just the French-Canadians? (This is a serious question!! I cannot believe I am asking it in a serious style, but the fact remains that I do actually want to know the answer.)
(I should also point out that I live with a Quebecois chap who not only won four episodes of Quebec Jeopardy, but is also a very good driver.)
I Am Considering Employing The Services Of An Interior Decorator
Many times have I passed the roadside store of Phillipe Dagenais, interior designer and style icon. Based on these two photographs, do you think I should put our palatial Canadian home to his perfectly-manicured hands?
I Am Legal
Tomorrow I go to the border to 'activate' my work permit. I am now legal and officially allowed to be in Canada; more to the point, I am officially allowed to work.
From next Tuesday, therefore, I will once again be working full-time; but despite the fact that I will be literally working, I will, as always, remain non-working in my heart.
19 comments:
1. no
2. i refuse to answer this question on grounds that it will surely be used for your diabolical marketing purposes and the readership is not your guinea pig.
3. yes. absolutely.
4. hello no. what kind of bourgeois twattery is this, employing a decorator? i have serious misgivings that he even decorated his own abode.
I am glad that we have moved on to different subjects now, although I don't have much to say about them, but that is because I am too lazy to try really hard.
The cat looks okay, nice and cuddly, the home decorator does not! He looks like he should only decorate mobile homes.
1. No.
2. No.
3. "Does everyone in Canada drive like that, or is it just the French-Canadians?"
No. It is just the French-Canadians. It's part of their charm.
/ducks, as plates of poutine are thrown at her head
4. Ew! NO! Do NOT trust a man who would wear that jacket/shirt with ANYTHING. Or a man who puts his own picture at 20 x lifesize on his store. Ew.
ick. gross.
Please apply to cat photos/interior decorator, in that order.
1. I'm a bit ill from Ms. MacComber's website. The name seemed familiar, and yes, I had the misfortune of reading on of her formulaic novels. I made the puchase at the airport and that's all I'll say.
I'm not in the mood to squirt just yet, so I'll give the second link a pass for now.
2. If sold at a cheaper price than our local, very expensive, "adult shop" I'd be happy to buy a vibrator at the grocery store. I'd proudly put my purchase at the head of my grocery line, and hopefully put a coupon for at least $10 off in the hand of the checker.
3. Nice photo of the shortbread.
4. A Canadian cat wouldn't understand my accent so I'm unable to take him. Bon chance.
5. No. Atlantans are the worst drivers in the world.
6. Ugh.
7. Although there is no question, I want to comment. Congrats workingandprobablypissedoffbynowmonkey.
1. Who? Never heard of her until you brought her up. And I'm not a Christian.
2. Probably not. I think other people might 'though.
3. I don't know any Quebecois.
That interior designer has many many shark-like pointy teeth, which is why he keeps his mouth closed as he "smiles" in his picture. I expect he would send underlings round, but if there was any chance he would turn up himself, I'd want a nice suit of chainmail.
Kermit - you are Canadian, and Canadians are good at irony, aren't they? (And you are Canadian, aren't you?) I am not SERIOUS about the decorator! Also, how could I be using the Durex question for work-related matters if I have not yet started working? I am just asking!!!
Irene - I love the cat. I said it out loud. I bloody love that cat. Corndog is as mad as a brush and affectionate in a way that suggests she was dropped on her head as a kitten. I hate all cats, but I like Corndog.
Dawn - what else is part of their charm? I must know what you think! (I think they are charming; or rather I would if I could understand them. Bear in mind I can speak French. That is all I am saying.)
Bluefluff - apply what? Debbie Macomber, the shop-bought vibrator, or a French-Canadian in a 4x4? I am just wondering!!!!
Jali - it is always a joy, my dear! What else can I say?
Mephitis - you should meet some. They are nice, despite having round heads. (NB: The Cirque du Soleil and Celine Dion are Quebecois, if that helps.)
What else is part of their charm?
They speak French, which always sounds charming even though I don't understand it, either. I hear French the way dogs hear humans, "Blah, blah, blah, snow. Blah, blah, blah, poutine. Blah, blah, blah, small clay pipe."
1. Who? I do not know this person and am happy to remain ignorant of her work.
2. Hell no, well maybe. Are they pretty?
3. I am convinced of it, until I drive the 401... which is famous for it's 130-car pile ups. Apparently they don't like to wear out their brakes, the way Quebecois don't like to wear out turn signals. Still- I think overall Quebec has more mad drivers. The Maritimes just has maddening drivers and west is a mystery to me.
I would not chose this decorator because I think he lacks confidence.
1. Neverrerdover. Tried to look at website, couldn't be arsed. Also am technically Christian as was dunked before I was old enough to object but have since been described as an agnostic camel. Still not quite sure what that means.
2. Nah. I would throw a sex-toy party and invite my mother's friends (who are mostly Christian and would likely object to the author above being far too provocative). So much more discrete and dignified. Also I would serve cock-shaped cake.
3. I'll say yes. I don't know really, but I've been so negative thus far I feel it's time to change things up a bit.
4. Yes! Yes, by all means! That's not just a decorator that's a goddamn force of nature that is. Who are you to deny him?
! - ?
" - ?
£ - ?
$ - !
I hope this helps.
1. Debbie Macomber Does Dallas. Fact.
2. I can hear it now - "Saaaaaaaaandra! Price check on a Rampant Rabbit?"
3. Vancouverians are just as bad. "Oh look - horizontal rain. We must drive even faster!" And they will overtake on both the inside lane and outside lane in quick succession. Cunts.
4. Perhaps you could put a suitable marker, such as a small clay pipe, beside questions like this to show that you are being ironic?
Good luck with the *ack* job. I hope there is enough coffee and biscuits to keep you occupied.
Oh my God. THAT'S why you liked him! "By the way" (casual flick of the self-cut hair), "I went on Jeopardy - won four episodes, you know..." I can just imagine it. It was Fate.
1. An emphatic Hell no.
2. Likely not (mostly ‘cause I like to ponder my choice of play toys).
3. Yes, but I think most Canadians are more blasé about driving in snow than those individuals from other countries.
4. Again, Hell no. Four words; Mandarin collared denim shirt.
1. No. Blerkkkk. No I am not, I have never been dunked, and when my beloved once tried to cross me with a thumbful of holy water, I grew the most enormous carbuncle on my forehead!
Question How does one look out for a snowman on a radio programme?
2. Only if they were on special and came with 2 free sets of batteries.
Cats? Yes please; Cats that sleep fat and walk thin are welcome here.
3. I don't have an opinion on Quebecois drivers. My last experience of them was in 1960 and I can't remember if I had an opinion then.
4. Decorators should be employed by party organisors and cake shops, no one else
On being legal; Congratulations! But I am worried that it may all be a trick. If you have to cross the border, will they let you back in?
1. no. she's,uhm, been... busy. She looks a bit like my aunt. Her website makes me run away. I am a Non-congregating Christian, comma, and scientist. I was dunked by my own consent when really young, and believe evolution is real, and also free will. I hope this assists your research.
(This American Life--for a laugh hit I search for anything from David Sedaris. The Super was halarious.)
2. no. questionable quality.
3. jen say paw (sorry so corny)
Barricade the door against Anyone with a truly immaculate manicure...
Good luck with your new status.
I happen to work at the very house that publishes Debbie Macomber's terrifying books. As frightening as she may be, neither she nor her readers are nearly as scary as Joyce Meyer and her minions (http://www.joycemeyer.org/). And, yes, we publish things that are not of the Biblical persuasion, like David Sedaris, for instance.
This American Life is always brilliant.
I live in New York City, a vibrator is not nearly the strangest thing one can buy in the supermarket.
Poor Monster, I'm sure his fat little (?) self misses you.
I do not drive, thus the pleasure of NYC, but did nearly die when on a roadtrip in Quebec. Whether or not this is indicative of the driving of all French Canadians, I do not know.
Interior decorator? Amazing, really. By which I mean ghastly, of course.
Hurrah for being legal at last!
Re point 2.
I did discover (whilst googling something completely unrelated I assure you) that car chargers are available for the Rabbit.
This concerns me.
Do you check older posts for comments?
If you do..
The decorator was on TV Saturday night with that old vedette war horse Dominique Michel, showing off a living room so ghastly it can only be described as Disney vomits all over Versailles.
The man has a TV show. The end is near.
asta
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