Debate continues to rage unchecked in the comments box of Saturday's post, in which I attempt to define and rank sweary person-descriptors (e.g., is "twat" worse than "idiot", and would you rather be called a "cunt" or a "cretin" behind your back?).I will be returning to the subject in the next day or so in order to take into consideration recent submissions, including "douchebag" and "fuckwit", but in the meantime you may enjoy a little joint venture I have entered into with my esteemed friends
Katy, Anna and Wendy.
"And what is the nature of this venture?", I hear you cry. "Does it contain drawings of mansticks you have known, or perhaps pictures of cakes?". No, my friends, it does not. It is about weight loss.
I am well aware of the fact that the subject of 'weight loss' features fairly high in list of "Blog Topics That Make Me Want To Vomit"; in fact, my top 10 Blog Topics That Make Me Want To Vomit list (which is scrawled in the back of my much-fingered copy of Ulysses), looks like this:
1. Being a 'Mommy'
2. Teenage angst
3. My depression
4. I have been dumped
5. Weight loss
6. Politics (if ill-informed)
7. Sex
8. How to knit fruit
9. My (really fucking bad) photographs
10. My life
But in this case it is different, because this weight loss blog is not wanky-whingey defensive old bollocks that cocks on about how stupid all men are for not all wanting to play hide-the-sausage with the "larger lady". No no. Nor is it self-pitying. (Impossible, as all the people involved in the blog are hotter than a mosquito's tweeter; just a bit porky. At the moment.)
It is called A Lard Off My Mind, and you might like it - whether you are a porker or not!
34 comments:
I think you may have forgotten an item in your BTTMMWTV list:
"- What My Cat Did Today !!!"
I think it should rank somewhere between items #1 and #2.
I couldn't get my fingers to type it out as I kept vomiting on my hands.
11. making lists about the things you hate
p.s. may i suggest making a venn diagram or a schematic diagram of some sort that can be easily distributed as a handy pocket reference?
er, i meant a venn diagram of sweary persons, that is.
Wait - can I drop in on the new blog if I admit that I regularly read several food blogs, including one that chronicles the author's efforts to make every last recipe in The French Laundry cookbook? [apparently these recipes all go: Take large quantity of heavy cream. Stir in enormous amount of butter. Add exotic and expensive ingredient. Sieve. Serve] Also dammit I AM a mother and I do talk about it on my blog. But I have no cats. And I've never knit fruit in my life.
I'll be hiding in the corner with the gun so I can quietly shoot myself, if you should need me.
Me guilty of 9 & 10
Sorry.
And if my cat were still alive.....
Oink.
I shall investigate posthaste and waddle back to report.
P.S. - Today my cat slept and ate. And pooed.
I think I'll need a new blog for all of that, don't you?
Take large quantity of heavy cream. Stir in enormous amount of butter. Add exotic and expensive ingredient. Sieve. Serve.
I'll try it tonight. AND I'll post about it. AND I'll take a PICTURE of it and UPLOAD IT.
Yeah! Blog THAT!
I checked out the new blog and enjoyed reading it, so I bookmarked it and will be checking in every day.
You are a bit harsh in your list of subjects that other people blog about. Sometimes the mundane can be very soothing when your own life is in an uproar and you just need some ordinary quiet literature that doesn't require mental gymnastics.
Not everybody has your oddball sense of humor and your wit and sarcasm honed to a sharp point. Be patient with your fellow bloggers and don't judge them too harshly, even when some of them are total idiots.
No need to be patient, sweet Irene: I just won't read them! But I wouldn't ever want anyone to stop writing or reading what they wanted to. I feel very strongly about that. I'm just not (for example) at all interested in other peoples' children, but I am interested (for example) in knitted monkeys, a subject that would hold very little interest for a great many people.
Hello, Non-workingmonkey, I hope you're having a most splendid day.
What sort of thing do you like to read about on blogs? I can't really see why any of the things on your list would cause you such grief - although I realise that these things are purely a matter of personal taste, and so there's no right or wrong here. But still.
I would happily read about any of the subjects you mention - knitting fruit? Genius. What's not to like? The only thing that turns me off, really, is bad writing.
Incidentally, the answer Ms Baroque gave in your previous post - on the subtle, yet definite differences between arsehole and asshole - was a work of wonder.
I need to offer you "wank-splat". As in: "that guy's a total wank-splat". And by "need", of course, I mean "choose".
Still, it's a horribly delicious insult.
Take it easy.
Kind regards etc...
TPE
In truth, all I give a toss about is that it's well-written.
Most blogs are badly written, and a great percentage of those badly-written blogs are given over to the list of shame I outline above.
So saying, I dream of a blog that is about cock-shaped cakes, well-written or not.
Right, now I can concentrate. I was making jam. It's distracting.
Hello all of you. Welcome new readers. Welcome back old readers. Always a delight. I would like to stroke you all with my monkey hands.
I have sort of said this already, but it goes like this: in truth, it doesn't matter what a person is writing about if they write things you like reading.
Most diet blogs are cock-boring, all about stuff that I don't find funny or interesting. But Katy, for example, is quite funny, so when she writes a recipe down it's quite good to read.
I am not at all funny when I am being serious, which I sort of am.
There's a whole 12 mile long post on all of this, about narcissism and audiences and diaries and who gives a fuck and why people do blogs and why people read blogs and what are blogs and what is blogging and who gives a toss anyway, as blogs are going to be replaced by handheld jizzwands that transfer only the interesting, useful or funny things in your brain directly into a website, so I'll shut up and go and stir the jam.
And it was funny, all of your cats pooing.
You demand good writing?
Get thee from the blogosphere you heretic.
Re cock-shaped cakes. That sounds like an excellent theme for a flicker group doesn't it? I mean, what's the point if you don't go visual? There could be a whole subsection on amusing uses of icing for example...
Katy:
http://www.frenchlaundryathome.com/
I did warn you.
Dear Sir and/or Madam,
I read with great interest your internet advertisement for the item you thereto designate as "Handheld Jizzwand". I have been looking for such an item for the longest time ! Please confirm that these are indeed "Fully Certified" for purposes of cock-shaped cookery. If so, I would be very grateful if you could send three (3) by return post.
Sincerely yours,
I am trying to reach your new and exciting web blog, but I find that it takes approximately 100 years to load. I have become a wizened skelington with cobwebs all over me.
Please make it faster.
Good morrow.
OMG, I made a cock-shaped cake once, for a friend's bachelorette party! Was actually from a mold of a lobster or something but looked exactly like a... think I have a pic will email it to you if you wouldn't find that too offensive...
Special - search 'cock cake' in my search thing and see what my leaving cake from my job in Amsterdam was.
Anx - what fresh hell is this? I shall attend to it (if I can)
J-boy - If you buy three, you get a free pack of gynaecological wipes. Fact.
Dammit! Just as I was about to unleash
Badphotographsofcatshavingsexwithknittedfruit.blogspot.com
on the world.
Crushed! Crestfallen!
"Scuse me missy - I am a little piggy - NOT a porker.
I'm recalling some What My cat Did Today posts, early on in this blog.
Personally - I think we are long overdue a Monster update
Could just be me though...
Yeah, but I'm really funny (and great/beautiful), so it was interesting. Also not that many cats have apples dropping on their heads.
Hang on!
First, you forgot My Cancer.
Second, isn't this blog about YOUR life, given that you mention yourself at every available opportunity. "I do this", "I do that". Yaaaaaaaawwwwwn!
I suggest you don't slag off other people's blogs until yours is more interesting and/or better written.
Ooh! Handbags!
Beth. Don't let me stop you. H ow do they mount the peaches?
Jali- as you wish, my friend; to me you look like a princess.
Philip - oddly, I have just had news from the person who lives in my flat in London: "Loud, annoying, looks like an idiot". He is old and has weak back legs. He also needs a new home from May - flying him to Canada would kill him. And anyway, I hate cats.
more interesting and/or better written than......what exactly?
Define your benchmark, Sir!(or Madam)
"Ooh! Handbags!"
Yeah, great comeback; supports my point more than a little, I reckon.
Have we slept with each other?
Dear Anonymous,
have I read you somewhere else, by any chance ? I seem to remember reading a few thousand unwelcome comments with that signature, on various blogs. Oh well, maybe it's different people who have that name - stranger things have happened !!!
Anyway, trolls are always best ignored, but since there's a broken water main at my workplace today, I have a little free time on my hands, which I thought I could fruitfully use to enlighten you about a few useful facts:
1) blogs are used by people to write what they want.
2) sometimes it is possible that a blogger writes something that they don't entirely believe, in order to be funny, or provocative, or just to piss off humorless bores passing by.
3) there is a slight chance that someone who writes a blog about her life, in which she says she hates blogs that are about one's life, is making use of something called I-R-O-N-Y, in that highly technical lingo that intelligent people tend to use.
4) the great thing about blogs is that if you don't like what's on them, you can just (wait for it) - not read them ! Did you know that ? Isn't that great ?
5) about point 4) above: in certain circles, instead of "not read them" they would say "fuck off into the sunset". Isn't that a great expression ???
Anyway, these are enough interesting facts for you to ponder for one day.
Love your work,
Yeah, great comeback; supports my point more than a little, I reckon.
Yeah, great comeback; supports johnnyboy's point more than a little, I reckon.
Now Anonymous and I shall cut and paste these two phrases at each other until the end of TIME.
HANDBAGS??? Oooo!!! Where???
Oh GOOD, there's that site that Barb told us about.
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