Day 460: I Continue My Career As A Life Coach

Due to the (entirely to be expected) success of my new career, I am simply swamped - every day - by letters from my loyal readers, each and every one begging for my own special brand of wisdom. Happily for them (and you!), I am really great - and that means that I am answering every single question, however fuckwitted.

Here, for your enjoyment (and their enlightenment!), is a selection from my latest 'mailbag'. Keep 'em coming in!

Mopsa writes:

"How can I have a five day weekend and a two day week?”

Dear Mopsa

I do not know, but I suspect it may have something to do with DIY stores.

I remain,

NWM


Katy writes:

“I am assuming that being a life coach is a bit like Extreme Makeover, yes? In which case I would like to be Britney Spears pre Kevin Federline please. Cheers.”

Dear Katy,

Are you mad? Even pre-Federline she looked like whoreish jailbait trailer trash. I do not think this is the look you are after! Can I suggest Aguilera, pre-fat-lipped husband but post-S&M boxing ring?

My love to you,

NWM


Katy also writes:

“PS I hope you aren't one of those life coaches that's obsessed with Jamie Oliver's fat tongue. I had to chop one of those up into tiny monkey pieces only last week.”

Dear Katy

To coach is to love fat Oliver tongue.

More love to you,

NWM


bob lordy pop pop writes …

“Dear NWM lifecoach,

I seem to spend more time at work reading weblogs then actually working. Does this make me technically non-working?”

Dear Bob Lordy Pop Pop (was that your given name?)

As I assume you are being paid whilst reading web-blogs, I am afraid that no, you are not technically non-working. (If this is the case, all power to you, friend!)

The good news is, however, that you are most certainly spiritually and metaphorically non-working, a ‘life solution’ that you will find far more useful than being technically non-working.

(I am myself technically non-working, and whilst it is enjoyable in a great many ways, one cannot but wonder how one is going to afford a new set of ‘personal clamps’ before the long winter nights draw in!)

Keep it real, brother Pop Pop.

NWM



Miss Tickle writes …

“Dear NWM,

Why oh why oh why oh why?


Also, shall I become a child psychotherapist or a grown-up one?


Yours gratefully,

Miss Tickle.”

Dear Miss Tickle,

Why oh why oh why oh why would you want to become psychotherapist at all? I once attended a therapy “Group”, and in it were two psychiatrists and a psychotherapist (as well as four other people so dull that the simple memory of them makes me glaze over and think of Tamazepam) – and I’m not talking about the lady running it!

Have you considered a career in dental hygiene? They will not be able to talk to you, but this will not stop you from helping them anyway!

Takin’ it to the streets,

NWM



dawn writes ..

Dear non-working life coach monkey,



I have a problem. I have read half of the "No-one else found these funny" section of your blog and so far have found them all to be quite funny, particularly the Gigantic Cross-eyed Bear and Blackholevole.

Am afraid to finish reading the section lest I discover that I am, in fact, "no-one else" and shall have to change my telephone book listing.


If I am "no-one else," does this mean I can stop showing up for work? I can but hope.



Yours hoping hopefully,


N. Else

Dear N. Else

Might I suggest you have ‘a little chat’ with Miss Tickle, whose contact details are available above? Otherwise, the only problem you have is one of very good taste!

Yours in solidarity*

NWM

* You do like Dick Emery, don't you?


NOTE: My link colour thing is fucked. Everyone has a link, if they have a blog (Dawn, Lordy - you don't?), but you have to run your cursor over their name for the link to show up. Anyone know what I've done to it?

UPDATE: I think it is now mended!!