Day 457: I Officially Launch My New Career As A "Life Coach"

Regular readers will be aware that only yesterday, I decided upon a new career: I am to be a ‘life coach’, a job for which I am eminently qualified, having no (relevant) qualifications whatsoever and a life (to date!) that could be described as ‘partially shambolic’.

Happily, my lack of qualifications is no barrier to my readers (most of whom are functionally literate and interesting looking), many of whom have written in with some questions and/or problems for me to look at.

Here are the first few – but don’t worry if YOU'VE answered a question that I don't appear to have answered - I'll be getting round to them all eventually!


Léonie writes:

"I have recently developed an unholy fascination with cheese. Please help! Yours hopefully and over-lactosed..."

Dear Léonie (such a pretty name! Is it foreign?)

Let me ask you a question: “Does the cheese make you happy?”.

I look forward to hearing from you again and remember: together, we are stronger.

NWM


Chloé writes:

"There is this guy who is hanging around my lab quite a lot and they want me to think he is a new colleague of mine.

However, his obnoxiousness, clam-like social skills and immature 14-year old behaviour clearly prove that he isn't. So why hasn't anybody thrown him through a window yet?

I am too weak and frail to do it myself, what should I do? (Swearing at him spectacularly in French has already been suggested, and tried, not to much effect though)."

Dear Chloé (such a pretty name! Is it foreign?)

Sounds to me like he wants to make the jig-jig with you, to be fair. However, in answer to your question, might I suggest that you re-consider the classic (but always effective) advice: "just ignore him". Show-offs hate that shit.

I look forward to hearing from you again and remember - the answer is inside us all.

NWM

PS: Is he ugly? I always find it much easier to deal with someone vile if I can find a way of pitying them.

Marla Fauchier Baltes writes:

"I have often wondered about the increased need in our society for life coaches. What will you charge? I may be one too."


Dear Marla Faucier Baltes (What an interesting name! Is it partially foreign?)

If you ask me, it's because people have got far too much time on their hands and can't be arsed to sort their own shit out. They also cock on about how busy they are the whole time which I don't understand, because if they were THAT busy they wouldn't have time to see a life coach.

Also, please consider this: have you ever met anyone really clever who's seen a life coach? This (rhetorical!) question leads me cleanly to the answer to your second question: £200 an hour. (Well what do you want me to do? They're stupid and have too much money, and I'll make them feel better.)

And yes, you should be one too. There are loads of stupid people who need your help.

Yours in solidarity,

NWM


Monkeymother writes:

"I have a daughter who is good-looking, amusing, intelligent and highly-educated, yet she seems directionless at the moment. 

She seems to have an idea for a new career every day of the week, but never settles down to anything except writing her weblog which, while amusing, is hardly a job! 

I do hope you can help."


Dear Monkeymother

Is she happy? If so, I wouldn't worry too much. Also, I am Non-workingmonkey, therefore I would beg you to consider whether she has direction and feels settled in other ways - ways that may be cock-all to do with work!!!

Pip pip!

NWM

Laurie writes:

"dear non-working life coach monkey:

pleaes ltell me how i, too, can not work and yet afford chips. that would make me very happy. i will send you $5.
sincerely,
laurie"

Dear Laurie

Stop drinking. Once you have done that, then we can talk.

Much (free) love

NWM