I have a common face. That, or I look simple. Only this can explain why I am asked for directions wherever I go (Montreal, Vienna, New York, Cognac, Amsterdam, London - it doesn't matter; I just look like the kind of twat who knows where roads are), and why I come across lunatics in places where most people would merely exchange 34p for a pint of milk.
I went to Sainsbury's Local earlier. Nowhere else to go, as it happens, and I'm not taking my cash into the corner shop that smells of wee. I bought some smoked salmon, a paper, some fabric conditioner, some normal salmon that was not smoked and some green beans. I was called to Till Number 3.
Her: Happy Christmas in advance!
Me: Yes, you too!
Her: How will you be celebrating Christmas this year?
Me: Eating cake and watching Christmas Specials, mainly.
Her: You do not Believe?
Me: What in? God? No, not really.
Her: You do not believe that there can be Existence without a God?
Me: No, sadly. I wish I did.
Her: You cannot celebrate Christmas then!
Me: True. But I can eat cake and drink wine.
Her: This is hypocritical! You truly do not believe in the Lord?
Me: No. But I bet you do, don't you?
Her: Yes!
Me: Yes.
Her: It is not too late to seek salvation!
Me: Yes.
Her: You must trust in the one true saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ!
Me: I'm sure I must. Now, how much do I owe you?
Her: But Jesus LOVES you! £14.55.
Me: Thank you. Goodbye.
Her: Remember: Jesus Died For You.
For Christmas, I would like for the weird people to leave me alone.
As an aside: what's with this new Blogger stuff? You still can't do shortcut commands if you're on Mac and as for the 'tags' - I shall put 'beaver' in every one. Oh yes.
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6 comments:
Big Lil is singing bingel gels and now I'm awake...!
Ferdinand! What on earth are you talking about?
Good grief (the Sainsburys check-out person). Mugging for Christ. (I am a Christian.) Years ago, I was working in Geneva, at a time when young Xians would get on trains and buses and do that to their fellow passengers. There was an expression for it: not mugging for Jesus but something similar which I can't quite recall.
I have the sort of face, apparently, that - when I am sitting by myself in an otherwise empty railway carriage - makes the nutter come and sit opposite me. This has happened more than once.
I feel National Twaticide Day drawing ever closer. Lloyd-Webber had better start watching out...
My personal choice will be Stringfellow.
People may criticise Christians but they make terrific lion food.
Indigo I do sympathise. I have that problem too. A man with a wandering eye and pie on his tie kept moving seats on the 432 bus (not a bus I take often, I am happy to say) until he was sitting near me and I could smell the pie on his tie close up. I moved. He followed. It has been an Irritating Day.
Angelina! Stringfellow is just an idiot, not a twat! come on. You can do better. Come on.
Mikey - I don't criticise Christians. I am rather envious of those who have Beliefs, as long as they are essentially benign and don't mean other people get hurt. People who believe in God (not the annoying ones) in a quiet C of E way always seem rather nice in a Betjeman kind of a way.
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