Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Day 132: I Wonder If You Can Exchange A Mitten For A Banana







It is early morning in one of the Corporation of London's many outposts. A MAN enters the London Fruit Exchange, holding a mitten, and approaches ANOTHER MAN, dressed in the livery of the London Fruit Exchange.

I have a mitten. Will you swap it for a plum?

Good morning, Sir. A mitten, for a plum?

Yes. It says "London Fruit Exchange and London Wool Exchange" outside. I have three mittens (one spare), and fancy a plum.

No can do, Sir.

But I do not understand!

Are you Foreign, Sir?

Only slightly. I am aware of most of English, but not of its finer points, perhaps. My mother was a Frenchy.

So I can see, Sir. Let me explain. If you offered me an apricot, I could give you a plum. A banana would be two plums. But woolen items for fruit? No.

But it says "London Fruit Exchange and London Wool Exchange" outside the door!

That I can see, Sir, but we are two separate entities, housed within one particularly fine building. Cross-pollination, as it were, is not allowed.

I see. So you are saying a sock for a mitten?

That I couldn't say, Sir. You would have to ask next door.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Sir.

Dried apricot?

Ten raisins, Sir. Big ones.


Time passes. The distant fizzing of fermenting fruit is heard. A sheep baas in a deserted corridor. Outside, the wind's incomplete unrest builds and disperses clouds about the sky. A distant gunshot is heard. The MAN goes through another door and approaches ANOTHER MAN in the livery of the London Wool Exchange.

I have a spare mitten.

Bully for you, Sir! How can we help?

I am lacking a sock. Will you swap a mitten for a sock?

What is your mitten made of?

80% acrylic, 20% Lambswool.

Where is the Lamb from?

Wales, I assume.

Assume nothing, Sir. Not all lambs come from Wales, whatever popular myth would suggest.

I see.

So what we're looking for is a sock that is 80% acrylic and 20% Lambswool. Would you mind waiting for a moment?

ANOTHER MAN disappears through a curtain like the shopkeeper in Mr Benn. Time passes. A dog barks. A pineapple tree moves past the window and is exchanged in the street for a hat not unlike that of Carmen Miranda, made entirely from Tropical Fruits. ANOTHER MAN returns.

I'm not sure I can help, Sir. I've got a 70/30 acrylic/Shetland mix, but that's not quite the same, you see.

Hang on. I've got this. It's a bowl of knitted fruit.

Are you having a laugh, Sir?

2-ply Cashmere ribbed scarf from Brora?

Twelve round-necks from Tesco, Sir.

18 comments:

M said...

Admit it NWM.....you had been partaking of a tipple or two of Absinthe when you posted this.....you must have!! Damn this made me giggle - not a pretty sight..
xxx
PS bltfoku.....errr....alright then!

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Nope. Can't write at all when I'm drunk, not even nonsense like this. Strange but true.

Timbo said...

All this and still no sight of the Ottermonkey.

A sad day.

martina said...

I know it was a tough day for me at work. Then afterwards 45 minutes at plumbing shop trying to find a blankity blank part for the kitchen faucet. Then half an hour at the crowded grocery store selecting the right champagne for tomorrow and standing in line. However, I just don't understand this post...

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Look at the photograph, Martina innit! Some things amuse me and me only, and so it will have to be Forever. Oh well.

Tim. Ottermonkey will have his day, as will the other 10 monkeys waiting in the special monkeybox.

Anonymous said...

Are you on drugs?

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

No.

Just to clarify.

I saw something that amused me. (Please see photograph.)

Then I started thinking about exchanging fruit for wool. Or wool for wool. Or fruit for fruit.

Like I say, some things only amuse me. But it's my blog, so I can do what I like. See?

andre said...

It amused me too

Anonymous said...

Now I feel terrible. And suitably chastized. Of course I know what you did.
Suffice to say I am very, very, very, very, very, very tired.

Very.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Fwengy dear, feel neither terrible nor chastised, for I was not chastising, and you have no reason to feel terrible. I am greatly amused, since you don't ask.

And now go to bed, you poor love.

Andre - thanks man.

stitchwort said...

Where did you say it was?
I have these mittens....

Clare said...

I understand this post. And I think it's funny.

I don't have much else to say.

Except that I don't have any spare fruit. Or socks. Or mittens.

Oh all right then, I probably do. Everybody does. But they'll be at the back of a cupboard, or behind a dresser, or under a home made bed, and covered in dust, and I can't be bothered to go looking for them.

[For all your Pointless Comment needs, please visit Clare's Pointless Comment Emporium, Stockport Rd Manchester]

philip said...

It clearly states London Wool, so I would expect that you would have trouble trying to exchange a Shetland wool based product - you don't mention if you tried the Scottish Wool Exchange next door.

London Fruit is a different conversation entirely

monkeymother said...

Wonderful - I salute you although I did have a momentary thought about substance abuse. Made me laugh immensely and forget my bruise.

iolanthe said...

Absolutely inspired!

Farty said...

You had me from the title. Then it just got better. Really brightened up a dull day in Embra.

Tracy Lynn said...

That rocks. Wool and fruit exchange, indeed.

andie said...

"the wind's incomplete unrest" - very nice, yes, gives one something to chew on.

p.s. am thinking creating blog just so I dont have to keep typing stupid words like "jeikfwp" when I leave a comment.

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