Wednesday, March 25, 2020

The Country Diary of a Virus Avoiding Monkey


It is LOCKDOWN in the village!!! 70% of people in the village are over 70 (some have dodgy chests etc), and the remaining 30% are either children or adults of other ages.

Things I didn't expect to say, ever: 
"How are you for onions?"
"I'm 17,542 in the queue and it says 4 hours, so you've got time to check."
"But I only ordered one kilo, so why are there carrots in both drawers?"
"Please don't argue - I must insist - these carrots are yours."
"I have left the curry in the greenhouse."
"The starter is called St Francis. He is well-tempered, fed, and by the back door. 100% hydration."
"I haven't stockpiled as such, but I will confess to emergency basmati"
"I'm doing a stock-check tomorrow."
"Is it OK to drink in the week now?"
"I'll meet you for a virtual campachoochoo at 11"
"No, don't worry about the pouch - it's the turmeric"
"Do say if you need spices or anything. No? I'm sure you're not a hoarder... Oh! 12 packets of nutmeg? 1988?!"
"I'm not sure that a ... well no, I wouldn't call that a clinical trial as such ... well no, it's organisational psychology, not virology..."
"Well I could definitely do you a carrot cake, but didn't you say walnuts make him puff up?"

Possible future village crimes:
  • Murder of between 3 and 4 armchair scientists (by their wives)
  • Punch-up between the 3 different vulnerable-people-support networks (probably on the village green) as they struggle to be the MOST helpful* and the MOST caring
  • Midnight destruction/removal of the trampolines, etc, that lead to rambunctious children in gardens across the village beginning to shriek JUST as all staff conference/video calls begin
Desired future roles as noble member of Volunteer Army (if they approve my application)
  • Setting up and running temporary village shop from the village hall (I dream of it), including co-ordinating deliveries, doing stock-take, rationing carrots etc.
  • Meals on wheels 2020 ("well there's that chicken with honey from the first Ottolenghi cookbook - yes, that's it, the hazelnut one - or shepherd's pie, but you know, a sort of IRONIC one - or that wonderful Jamie Oliver chicken in milk ... yes yes, like the River Cafe pork, but CHICKEN!!!")
  • Walking all the nice dogs 
  • Literally doing anything the NHS ask me to do, anything at all.
Also kids, don't forget
Only go out if you REALLY REALLY NEED TO.

Pip pip

NWM









* In a cunning pre-emptive move, we have already offered to help our favourite neighbours so that we can get shopping, phone up, do dog walking etc for people we really like, rather than having to pick up teabags for the woman up the other end of the village whose dog left a massive poo outside our front door WHILE WE WERE LOOKING AT HER OUT OF THE WINDOW



2 comments:

Unknown said...

You must write the novel, incorporating at least 2 of the 3 crimes.

Dave Shelton said...

That is very poor poo-related behaviour. Shabby. Otherwise, good luck with your charitable endeavours. The other villagers are lucky to have you.

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