Adoring readers/and or fans: forgive me. I have been in London, which mainly entailed:
Forcing a "Bob" from North Carolina to drink half a pint of bitter ("Drink it Bob. Drink it". "Ah think ah'll stick with tha lagerbeer"):
Watching the fupbal, drinking over 1,232 glasses of wine and trying to knock this woman's hat off her head:
Eating the breakfast of champions:
And spending a lot of time in my favourite shop:
Other than that, there was rounders, sleeping like a log, singing like a pub singer, staying with "our marvellous hosts", wine, dinner, more dinner, more wine, shouting LADYBABY!!! on Shoreditch High Street, watching people do the mamba accompanied by a Korean man singing in a Tyrolean restaurant, eating all the food in Ottolenghi, sweating, a meeting or two and admitting that I was horribly, terminally homesick - if not for London, for the people I like who live in it, and who remind me what it is all about. (Whatever "it" is.)
Now I am back in Montreal where it is still hot, and where I spend time making phone calls, making appointments to have my "groin area" lasered, and sieving gigantic insects out of the pool so I may swim up and down without eating 3ft crickets.
And what is in Montreal? Yes. A memory of
a caption competition. Were the submissions good? Yes they were. Was the winner judged entirely by how much it made laughter spurt unchecked out of my gaping mouth? Yes it was. Is there more than one winner? Correct. Is the best one the one at the top? Yes indeed ma'am, and let me take your arm, because I am recently divorced, your husband is a long, long way away and I am "Bob" from North Carolina.
Original pic:
"You're my wife now."
ties with
"Climate sceptics declare first annual conference a success"
Published author Jonny B
"Monkey Boy was happy, even though the Make A Wish Foundation clearly hadn't secured the real Ronald McDonald".
"Despite enthusiastic marketing, business was slow at Montreal's new 'Monkey Boy' funeral parlour.'"
"What the fuck did you do with Tarzan, Clown Boy?"
There was not one dud in the bunch. The ones I have selected to be 'highlighted' to you just made me laugh more than the rest, mainly because I find jokes about/including the following amusing:
1. Swearing;
2. "enthusiastic"
3. the Make a Wish Foundation
The Squirrel's does not fall into this list, and yet somehow, strangely, it is my favourite, tied with fucking Jonny-bloody-B'*s very fucking amusing line - one that was also, it must be said, the 'favourite' of the French-Canadian veterinary histopathologist with whom I share my life (and fleas).
Congratulations, all of you!
Pip pip
NWM
* I am sick to the back teeth of
Jonny B. He has a fucking book out (discounted on Amazon
here), PLUS he once sent me records in the post PLUS all the rest of it. He makes me so angry I could puke.
