I analyse the average email inbox over the course of one week

Click on it and it will grow like a magic tree. You will love it. I know it. 

I think about working from home

I am not Alain de Botton.  For starters, I am not the son of a billionaire banker.  I also do not have a gigantic head,  I am not Swiss, I did not go to Cambridge and - O pity that it is so! - I am not the multi-millionaire author of many books, each one more than the last making me shout (in the mental equivalent of stubbing your toe): "Oh cocking HELL! Why didn't I think of that?".  

I do, however, very much enjoy reading about the 'theory of work', which is something that Alain de Botton likes to write about if he needs enough money to buy a new house.   His latest book is called The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work. I bought it because I am an egomaniac and wanted to see if Alain (as I call him!!!) agreed with me.  Here is my list:

Pleasures
Money
Free paperclips
Free coffee
Chatting and 'having a laugh' with Jackie in accounts
Playing Tetris for 3 hours a day and getting paid for it
Free computers, phones etc
Filling peoples' top drawers with the bits out of a hole punch
Free drink

Sorrows
Having to be in same place at same time every day
Idiots
Futility
Incompetence
Having to pretend to give a shit what other people think
Taking orders from spanners
Making a polite face when you are thinking in your brain "shut up idiot"
Conference calls

Sadly, Alain's book doesn't include these kinds of lists, so I was unable to compare my opinion with his, and at 336 pages, it is far too long for me to read myself in order to extrapolate key information and/or opinions.  Because he is a scientist, used to seeing patterns in things and able to do dispassionate analysis, I therefore briefed my 'husband' - who is (as many of you know by now) a French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist - to read it and do me a synopsis and some analysis.

Here is what he said:

"It's alright.  It's about you know, working and stuff... it's mostly a light read, with some interesting insights about you know ... working and stuff. He starts with very applied situations and characters that he meets, and writes about what they get from what they do, and from those literal concrete things he tries to draw insights. Are you making fun of me? I don't really appreciate your attitude."

I shall conclude from that that Alain does not like lists; otherwise, I am not sure what the book is about but that is OK, because I am very clear about my own opinion and I bet that if I met Alain de Botton, he would probably agree with me (because I am very good at debating, etc).

There is also a book called Rework which I really like because it is very short, and because the ideas at the heart of it are sensible. They are things like:

1. Taking notes is stupid because you remember what's important anyway.
2. Working late is stupid because you get tired and then are crap at work the next day.
3. Conference calls are preposterous, as are most meetings.
4. Usual stuff: don't be a dick, give people responsibility, be yourself, etc.
5. "Planning is guessing"
6. Having a real life outside work makes you less of a gigantic twat.

Apparently you can do qualifications in this stuff, call yourself an "Industrial Psychologist" and get paid $5,400 an hour for saying things like "Your employees are unhappy, therefore they are not loyal and they are unproductive!", or "If you lock your employees in a box, they will die", or "If your ego is too gigantic, your entire body will in time turn into cockroaches, and your workforce will spray you with distain".  It sounds a good sort of a job to me.

Anyway, all this thinking about the 'theory of work' has made me think about different theories of work.   I will definitely promise to write more things like this and then not do it and so here, for your edification, is the first in an occasional series (that I will probably not continue) called "Nonworkingmonkey's Theories Of Work", each one based on my proprietary analysis tool, "Having A Look At The Pros And Cons Before Drawing A Conclusion".

This is Number 1, and it is all about Working from Home.

Pros of Working from Home

• Can make own lunch
• Can work in pyjamas/dressing gown
• Do not have to wash
• Do not have to waste time travelling about the place
• Can have telly breaks and naps without anyone judging you in a negative style
• Not forced to 'interact' and/or pretend to like people for the simple reason that you are in their close physical proximity every day
• Free tea/coffee (well, if not 'free' exactly, definitely under 20p per cup)
• Not interrupted endlessly by idiotic questions and pointless chitchat
• Can work 5am to lunchtime if you so wish then spend rest of afternoon smoking pipe and/or twirling fez

Cons of Working from Home

• Danger of forgetting are in dressing gown with hair on end when answering Skype calls with automatic webcam connection
• Biscuits
• Desk being same as kitchen table, which makes getting ravioli in keyboard probable

Conclusion

Work from home if you can. It is really great.*

And on that note of searing insight, I wish you a happy and productive week. 

Pip pip!

NWM

* I asked my 'husband' what he thought the pro of working from home is. He said, "You don't have to get dressed".  "Are there any cons?", I asked. "No", said he. And because he is an eminent scientist with over 237 degrees from various universities etc, I believe he must be right. Coincidentally, having compared husbands with Lucy Pepper, eminent illustrator and animatrice, we are of the opinion that our husbands should probably have married each other. But that, as they say, is for another day. 

I do not understand

There are a great many things I do not understand. Sting and the meaning of life aside, I can make neither head nor tail of:

Nude tights
I just ... why?

Pepper grinder fillers
You can get a thing to cut an avocado into dinosaur shapes and something else that turns an everyday apple into an exact replica of the moon, but there is apparently no little thing that helps you fill your pepper grinder without spilling peppercorns on the cat's head.  Adjustable cone. That's all I'm saying.

Vaginal washes

"Intimate wipes", special soap and squirty stuff for your ladyparts, etc - I am mystified. Not critical and not dismissive, as I am sure there are some irregularities/disorders/illnesses that make odd smells come out and that can often be a sign of something else being awry, and I am definite that some ladies worry far too much about it because someone has told them they should, but every day? Really? Why? 

I do not get it. In fact, I fear a problem being invented (or exaggerated) by the marketing johnnies to 'make a quick buck' out of ladies fearful of their own ladysmells. (Regular readers will be aware that I have had some issues with my own ladyparts in the past, mainly involving mint-based substances, but they were not 'vaginal washes', no: one was chewing gum, the other, minty shower gel; the final, green wax administered by a firm Dutch lady.)

Compliment slips
I don't understand why they don't have actual compliments on them*. Imagine it: you open up a letter from your solicitor and there it is: name, address, phone number, fax number that never works and a tiny little line top right: "You have a fine mind", or "Your haircut suits you well", or "You opened that envelope nicely".

Margarine or 'spreads'
Why? (See 'marketing johnnies', above)

Cockroaches
I am too scared to Google them because I do not want to see a picture of them, but I do not understand why they exist. Apparently they serve no purpose, but that doesn't make sense either.

Being wilfully selfish
Like the lady in the hairdresser on Thursday who knew I was waiting, but kept yakking on about shampoo for 10 minutes, or the other lady who dragged a step next to my head (surprisingly, I was stretching, i.e. lying on the floor sticking my legs out, after a 'work out' in the gym) and then stamped up and down it shouting "et UN et DEUX et TROIS et QUATRE et ... CINQ! ET un ET deux ET trois ET quatre ET cinq!" at the top of her stupid voice whilst spraying me in her ladysweat.  I just don't understand that sort of thing.

Tea in countries that are not Britain
Why are they scared to put in the teabag in the pot for you?  I am not going to get all cunty about "oh bloody foreigners what do they know about making tea!!!" (they don't care, that's what) but I really do not understand the logic of letting the water cool down a bit before you put the 'tea' (often recycled pot-pourri) in the pot.

The cost of my dinner in this hotel tonight
Steak, vegetables, glass of wine: $56. It is just as well I am not paying for it. Also, there was a cock on the plate that I did not order.









What don't you understand? I am not talking about algebra etc - NO-ONE understands that so no point worrying about it. I am talking about everyday things that you don't understand: that don't work, or don't make sense, or have a point, or an apparent purpose.

Come on! What have you got?

NWM



* Do not steal this idea from me. It is my pension plan.

I would like some minced chicken

I explain

I am travelling about a bit at the moment, mainly to Toronto - a place that I am now fond of and think is interesting, partly because I know it better, but mainly because my Best Friend (Canada, First Class) lives here and she has shown me why it is good: quite big, a bit villagey, got shops in it, got a lake, parks, everyone speaks English, nice muffins, etc.

Because I am officially "from Montreal" (despite actually being from London, England, not London, Ontario), I am supposed to hate it and say that it's boring, although since this this campaign came out, I think I will be more honest about my growing affection for Toronto - a fact that I keep hidden on the whole, despite designing a smashing new logo for the city (with matching 'apparel' available at my really very shite online shop). 

Anyway, I digress. I am here because I have an eye on Autumn, when I will have my residents' permit that will allow me to work for Canadian companies in Canada, and that means 'meeting people' now and then to have a chat with them about work-related things. So far, everyone I have met has met all the criteria I so expertly laid out in the post below; I am therefore hopeful about a well-balanced and pleasant future in which I work with people I admire doing work I am good at.  But for the time being, if I fall silent now and then and make comments about people in airports/conference calls etc, you will know why.  You should also know, however (and I know this news will be met with a huge scream of relief) that I remain - as ever - essentially non-working (in my heart).