When one is literally non-working the days can, on occasion, pass slowly, even if it is quite easy to fill time.
I, for example, spend much of the day shouting at Facebook (Jackie is not looking forward to the PTA evening tonight! Jonny is wishing he was out on the golf course! Bappy is wishing she had finished him off good and proper with a stick; Mario is a fuckwitted bore with a tiny cock! Dave is going to Saudi on holiday with Su and can't wait; Non-workingmonkey is not interested!), replying to electronic mails from my friends, family and fans from all over the world, and bidding for nipple clamps on eBay.
When I am not doing those things, I am cooking. Today, for example, I made some salad for lunch; a salad the size of the moon, containing many interesting things including asparagus, small yellow tomatoes and some nuts that I crushed in my own tiny little monkey hands. But it needed cheese! Yes, cheese. The cheese of the goat, passed quickly over the 'griddle'* upon which I cooked my asparagus.
It went well. The two slices melted a bit, and then went into the salad bowl. I 'tossed'* the salad a bit, and looked at it. The cheese was there and it looked nice. Then I sat down and started eating it and somehow, between the kitchen and the dining table (a walk of at least a minute), the cheese disappeared. It hadn't disintegrated or got mushed or melted, or anything like that; it just wasn't there anymore.
After that I went into the ballroom-sized room where the gigantic washing machine and tumble drier are, and looked at the three socks that are sitting there, waiting for their pair. I have written of this before, and the observation is neither original nor particularly surprising, but where do the socks go, bearing in mind laundry baskets, rigorous sorting, and not much else to do other than make sure socks are in pairs? I am quite distressed, as usually Wednesday afternoon is sock-ironing time.
And then I made the same mistake again. "Nourishing botanicals, gentle cleansers and the invigorating aroma of organically grown Peppermint replenish your skin and revitalize the senses", murmurs the copy on the bottle of shower gel provocatively, winking at me saucily with its naughty shower-gel eyes. I grab it in my two monkey hands and start frantically lathering up my monkey fur, waiting to be replenished and revitalised.
But what is this? Have I learnt nothing from past experience? For I apply the shower gel (containing organic mentha piperita leaf) to my ladygarden and am then surprised to note that it feels like my ladyparts are burning with the cold fires of hell!
I had better stay in tomorrow, I think, very quietly, all by myself.
* Terrible words, all of them. "Toss the salad". No. Toss off.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE
11 comments:
I think you will find that your ladyparts were not burning, but "revitalised".
Believe me, there's only one way to revitalise my ladyparts, and minty shower gel ain't it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Saucy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am Les Dawson.
Crossed with Dick Emery and Frankie Howerd.
Sock ironing??? On a WEDNESDAY??? Good lord, woman, were you raised by perfect heathens?
/waddles off, mumbling
I am so laughing. Best blog post I read all day! I always wondered why women in those soap commercials look so totally....ummmm....happy
Being a cheese lover myself I can tell you that cheese disappears of its own accord around this house on a regular basis. We don't know who does it at all.
It's too early to be reading these complicated multi-topic posts. It does odd things to the brain. See, there was the comment about repeating a mistake, right? And then the cheese disappeared and I'm figuring we're in act 2 of the mystery and next up Wimsey (or Poirot - or Morse or Linley... hell I don't care) fluffs up his eye-glass and finds the cheese. And then you go mentioning the ladygarden and (remember, quite early) I thinks back to the repeatable mistake and just for a moment I have a strange memory of Incidents With Chewing Gum and I really, really wonder about that cheese... I don't need this kind of this at this time of day.
erm. this=thing. Coffee. Need.
Oh! A Canadian Fact for you!
My favourite cheese is Tesco Extra Mature Canadian Cheddar.
You are so lucky to live in the Canada.
Dawn: I know. Usually it's Tuesday but I like to 'mix it up a bit', as it were.
Marla: you only read my blog, of this I am sure.
Irene: that is excellent news. It is not just me. Have you got ANY idea?
Megan: you make me laugh all the time. Please keep commenting. Don't leave me.
Katy - so lucky, so lucky indeed. There are LOADS of things in the shops!!!! Like one million different types of hamburger cheese and a hundred variations on the Oreo cookie. I spend a lot of time just looking.
In the process of combing through your archives I find your close encounter with Unwanted Minty Freshness and am so glad because I too had this experience and feared that it meant there was something Terribly Wrong with me to be so sensitive. After all, SURELY a shower gel that did anything so obviously wrong as burn one's most delicate parts with the cold fires of hell would not have made it to the general market?
Apparently I was too trusting and naive and the soap companies really are out to get us.
Post a Comment