I am getting married quite soon

And it is quite the nicest thing that has ever happened. It is as happy as this:



In other news, what the shit is going on here?



And there is a $10 prize for the person who can make the link between rat head man and the loon pants coming up here:

The readers decided

Regular readers (and lively newer participants) of and in this web-blog will no doubt remember the recent Prosecco/Cava debate.

The results are in! Prosecco won by a clear margin, and for this I thank you, dear and loyal readers. (You will see that 'Jizzwater' and 'Orange Squash in a Sodastream' got a few votes, which I find very comforting.)

Coming next: why does the man who runs the place we are having our wedding keep talking about 'toasts'? I do not see what that has to do with our carefully-crafted menu of Scampi-in-a-Basket and Knickerbocker Glory, 'washed down' with some nicely-chilled Liebfraumilch (which, I have just discovered, translates as "beloved lady's milk" - yes, beloved of a certain TYPE of lady in the early 1980s, perhaps).

And if it is the non-bread type toast, can we toast ourselves? And if so, when? And if we can't do it, who can? It is all very confusing!!!

I will definitely not be inviting Windows 7 round for a drink

"In a lot of ways, you're just throwing a party with Windows 7 as an honoured guest."   



Watch it all. It is worth it.

I have to lose weight!!!

I am like fat fatty butterpig but in less than one month I am going to be married!! This is not a joke: we are not talking "ohmigod I can't get into a Vera Wang size 4", we are talking, fuck me, I really should have started 7 months ago and even then I'd still have more to go.  

Note: I am not having a wedding photographer and all that shit so it is not as if I am worried about looking all sucky-in-cheeks in the misty-lensed photograph of me and the pathologist looking back over our shoulders against a backdrop of stuffed beavers rampant; no, it is about feeling better than I do this evening on the sofa, all burpy and bloaty and tired.

BEAR WITNESS, gentle readers: from this moment on there is:

1. NO drink apart from one one day a week (to be decided by me, i.e, moi);
2. Gym action four times every week;
3. No pointless food in mouth;
4. Less bread;
5. Less sugar;
6. But mainly less booze.

Shitting hell!!!!!

I love Nigella Lawson's mother

Regular readers will be aware that I hate the Daily Mail with every essence of my being (I find it vulgar, prejudiced, narrow-minded, incendiary, judgmental, mean-minded, suburban, ghastly, etc); and yet I am horribly addicted to their ghastly 'web-site' which I have (unwittingly) set to the womens' pages.

It has a terrible effect: every day I read about someone who is too fat or too thin, and look at photographs of that plump lady from EastEnders in lycra outfits; I look at pictures of the Queen Mother's ghastly teeth (and we wonder why people laugh at English teeth?) and scream at that awful crematorium-head Liz woman and her endless whingeing articles about her weight and her ex-husband.

And yet - what is this gem amongst the ca-ca? It is an interview with Charles Saatchi! I like him for lots of reasons (his advertising agencies and his art-fancying), but I particularly like him for marrying the chocolate-slurping hair-tossing ham-in-coke baking foxy Foxington, Nigella Lawson.

And in it, what do I find? I find this:


What advice do you and your wife give your children?

"Nigella's mum gave her an invaluable insight into nice behaviour. According to Nigella, her advice went something like this: 'It is better to be charmed than to charm'.

By this she meant that what makes people feel good about themselves is feeling as if they have been charming, interesting; in short, that you have been listened to.

For her, the notion that one should be riveting, or aim to be quite the most fascinating person in the room, was a vulgarity, and just sheer, misplaced vanity. Trying to be charming is selfindulgent; allowing oneself to be charmed is simply good manners."

Regular readers will also be aware that I am (to put it mildly) obsessed with the whole 'listening is good manners' thing, so you can imagine my glee!! If only 10% of the people I come across in my every work-type waking moment were aware of this simple fact, the world would be considerably more pleasant.

Pip pip!