I Live In A Bilingual Country

I Am A Management Guru

Regular readers will be aware that I often consider becoming a management guru. This may seem strange, what with my well-documented resistance to any kind of formal work, but no matter: for I have discovered the answer to how to be a brilliant manager and because I am generous, I am going to give it to you free (i.e., for nothing).

OK ready? Here it is:

1. Tell people what you want them to do.
2. Tell them when they are doing stuff right.
3. Tell them when they have done stuff not right.

But I will not take credit. This is pretty much what it says in The One Minute Manager. Words cannot express the horror I feel as I type those words, but it is true: as a (dear, brilliant, kind friend) said, "I hate to admit it, but you can't really go wrong with it".

What is this shit? Me, being nice about a popular management book that is as effective (according to the back cover!!) at helping you manage people in the office, as it is as helping you manage your family or the clergy? (This is not a joke!). Me, admiring the message contained within the softened pages of a book found upon the shelves of my alcoholic landlord? Me, able to to even countenance a book written by the same people who wrote a book called Who Moved My Cheese?, featuring two mice and two tiny people the size of tiny mice?

It just goes to show that even the most naturally brilliant and/or talented people (e.g. me, Bruce Forsyth, Linda Lusardi) can learn, and that being open-minded and swallowing your sick a bit can REALLY take you places.

For e.g., for my job I have had to read various books on 'management skills' (whatever the cock they are), e.g. Pushing The Envelope Up Your Own Arse, Kissing Flagpoles All The Way To The Top and that perennial classic, Thinking Outside The Cocks. They use a lot of big words. Some of them even have drawings of 'Change Cycles' etc in them, and most of them cost up to $50 - but after only one day of using the wisdom contained in The One Minute Manager, people in the office have started to remember my name and ask me how I am in the morning!! It is brilliant, and all for about $5.

Do not say I never give you anything!!!

Pip pip

I Was Funny Once

Yes it is true; look here and you will see that over two years ago, I was quite funny. Sadly, that is no longer the case. However, it is reassuring to know that even after two years, and even with 3,500 miles distance between us, Tony Parsons is clearly still a preening cockmonkey.

In other news, I have identified a person to whom I will definitely send a poo in a box. More to follow, but suffice to say the words "Bedford Hill", "probably has a nose shaped like cock" and "what, for 75 quid a year?" are involved

That aside, I intend to change my name to Reeni Aragon-Espino in honour of the real Reeni Aragon-Espino who has little charisma, is often on the Food Network, who makes cakes on television for money and who enjoyed cracking crabs as a child.

Now I shall leave you to go and have pervo-thoughts about Dominic West who, I am happy to relate, is English (and, bizarrely, an Old Etonian) - and otherwise known as Jimmy McNulty. (If you have not seen The Wire, do not delay. Rent it today. Or buy it. Or steal it from Woolworth's before it closes down.)

That is all.

I Consider "Listening Skills"

I am in another meeting and yet again all the people are talking at once. Then I am in another meeting, and the person who pays us, and who needs to tell us stuff, and who is shy, keeps trying to talk, only to be interrupted. It is up and down and in and out of the meeting room; BlackBerries and laptops; changing the subject etc. The meeting is over and we only know a quarter of what we needed to find out, and we waste a day filling in the gaps.

It is quite unbearable. I am not sure what is worse, this kind of selfish noise, or the passive-aggressive nonsense at the other end, which features one being listened to awfully carefully and nothing actually happening. Still, I am perfect and that means that it is now time for me to write yet another one of my handy 'guides' - guides that, if you have any sense at all, you will print off and stick to your cubicle wall.

HOW TO LISTEN

1. Do not talk while the other person is talking, i.e. do not interrupt

It is very bad manners, for starters. It also tells them you are not interested in what they are saying, and that you think you are more interesting. It is very frustrating to have to deal with.

If, however, you are irredeemably selfish and only care for your own advancement and point of view, you will be interested to hear that listening to people is usually the best way of gathering information and/or learning things.

2. Not talking is not the same as listening.

For e.g, looking around the room, drawing lovehearts in margin of paper, sighing, checking watch, very obviously not talking (i.e. taking a breath as if about to say something then stopping at last minute) means you are not listening. You are not paying attention and you are still thinking about yourself and what is interesting to you. It is nearly as bad as interrupting, but quieter.

3. Do not go 'yes yes' and then change the subject

Pretending you have listened, then dismissing everything the person has said by merely starting to talk about something else, is as bad as not listening at all.

4. Put your fucking computer/BlackBerry/phone away

If it's that important, you wouldn't be sitting in this meeting, would you? And are you so important and/or busy that you can't turn it off for a bit? More importantly, using any of these devices in a meeting or while you are supposed to be talking to or listening to someone else is the same as shouting YOU ARE A FUCKING COCK AND YOU ARE NOT WORTH LISTENING TO in their face, i.e., very rude.

5. Just because someone is old does not mean they are talking cock

Yes the 'yoot' are all very Gen Y "give me it now I will not work just give it to me it is my right". But also they are shit at listening, which means they do not learn as much as they want to and then they get frustrated with the people with more experience for not giving them more to do. They are often not given more to do as they cannot be trusted not to call the client a cunt, or play on their Wii game throughout a meeting with the Chairman of for e.g. IBM, or do 'texting' non-stop during the middle of a presentation upon which the future of the company depends.

My advice to the young people is have some manners, i.e. do not be rude to people who are older than you etc, and also bear in mind that they might be able to teach you some interesting tricks and stuff. You can ignore the stuff you don't want to hear, but do not snap gum in their faces and (metaphorically) call them Daddy-O.

SOME HANDY TIPS:


The words that come out of peoples' mouths are very rarely representative of what they are actually thinking. If you shut up for a bit and listen to them you will find out all kinds of astonishing things, including what they really mean, what kind of person they are, what they want you to do or not do and - astonishingly! - you may also find it interesting and/or useful!

Think before you speak. No, but really. Is what you are about to say going to help in the long run? Is it appropriate? How is it going to make the other person feel? Will it make you feel better for 2 seconds and then plunge you into a world of pain?

Does it really matter? No, but does it?

If you have something you want to say and it pops into your head while the other person is talking, write it down. That way you will not be thinking about it and tempted to interrupt, and you can keep listening to the other person.

Going "mmm mmm" while picking fluff off your lapels is not the same as looking at them in the face and sometimes asking them a question that shows you have heard what they have said and are interested in it.

There is something called 'repeating back' which sounds a bit wank but is good. In it you check that you have understood what they have said to you by going for e.g. "OK so what I'm hearing is ... " and then saying a short version of what you think they have said to you. It is good because it shows you have listened and checks that you have the information right! It is a double-bonus all round.

There are people who have written whole books on this shit and who make many thousands of monies doing seminars or whatever on it. There is no need for that nonsense because at the end of it, all you need to do is not be a rude self-obsessed idiot.

What is also interesting is that these tips will of course help you in your place of work - and they may also help you have more sexual encounters with people you find attractive!!! That is because everyone likes to be listened to, and may of the people described as "sexy" or "charming" or "lovely" are usually just very good at listening. (Which still doesn't explain Andrew Lloyd-Weber, but I'm not sure anything ever will.)

The Single Most Disturbing Thing I Have Ever Seen

"Come on girlfriend!". God help us all.