Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I Am A Management Guru

Regular readers will be aware that I often consider becoming a management guru. This may seem strange, what with my well-documented resistance to any kind of formal work, but no matter: for I have discovered the answer to how to be a brilliant manager and because I am generous, I am going to give it to you free (i.e., for nothing).

OK ready? Here it is:

1. Tell people what you want them to do.
2. Tell them when they are doing stuff right.
3. Tell them when they have done stuff not right.

But I will not take credit. This is pretty much what it says in The One Minute Manager. Words cannot express the horror I feel as I type those words, but it is true: as a (dear, brilliant, kind friend) said, "I hate to admit it, but you can't really go wrong with it".

What is this shit? Me, being nice about a popular management book that is as effective (according to the back cover!!) at helping you manage people in the office, as it is as helping you manage your family or the clergy? (This is not a joke!). Me, admiring the message contained within the softened pages of a book found upon the shelves of my alcoholic landlord? Me, able to to even countenance a book written by the same people who wrote a book called Who Moved My Cheese?, featuring two mice and two tiny people the size of tiny mice?

It just goes to show that even the most naturally brilliant and/or talented people (e.g. me, Bruce Forsyth, Linda Lusardi) can learn, and that being open-minded and swallowing your sick a bit can REALLY take you places.

For e.g., for my job I have had to read various books on 'management skills' (whatever the cock they are), e.g. Pushing The Envelope Up Your Own Arse, Kissing Flagpoles All The Way To The Top and that perennial classic, Thinking Outside The Cocks. They use a lot of big words. Some of them even have drawings of 'Change Cycles' etc in them, and most of them cost up to $50 - but after only one day of using the wisdom contained in The One Minute Manager, people in the office have started to remember my name and ask me how I am in the morning!! It is brilliant, and all for about $5.

Do not say I never give you anything!!!

Pip pip

6 comments:

Monkeyfather said...

Now, if you're talking simple, inspirational and brilliant creative 'management' stuff, look no further than Paul Arden's
"It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want to Be: The World's Best Selling Book", or either of the follow ups "Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite" and "God Explained in a Taxi Ride". Preferably all 3.
The man was a genius.

Megan said...

Really? Any clergy a'tall? For example, the bloke near my work who carries a sign proclaiming himself the New Enoch and has a congregation of two passed out drunks and a flock of mangy pigeons - can I manage him? Or what about the woman several offices over who certainly THINKS she speaks with God? I might have to find a copy of this book. In the mean time, for further nuggets of wisdom peruse the fine merchandise of this place: despair.com, the demotivator people

sama said...

go on, monkey! write it!

you have the perfect idea for the perfect book! just get on with it!

Icy Mt. said...

I suppose that managing with those three points is better than always calling people cocks and asking them why they've cocked everything up.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

I will write the book and you will all see how famous I will be, and also rich.

Icy Mt, if I could I would be shouting 'why can't you just do what you said you would do and just fucking stop fucking whining and being a fucking DICK? WE PAY YOU TO DO YOUR JOB. Stop behaving like YOU ARE DOING US A FAVOUR'. Cocks.

Anonymous said...

i once saw a diet book with the title: no food after 5pm
i wonder what the central idea was?

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

Blog Widget by LinkWithin