I have visitors

Two of my best friends arrive from London with all the newspapers. My friends are what I miss about England. I don't think about it because there is nothing I can do about it (I will be living in Canada for a while), and thinking about it would make me mad; but even nine months has made little difference: we still make poo jokes and talk about cheese.

When I read the newspapers I am glad to see that nothing much has changed in the UK, including:

Posh has a hairdo (but still has a common little face)

Nikkkkiii out of Big Brother is still in the newspapers

As is Jade Doughface Goody (who had children with her identical twin)

As is also Jordan, who has breasts and a face with airbrushing

And that woman out of Men Behaving Badly with the lips.

Pikeys are still beating each other up and puking on stuff and having ASBOs and what-have-you

There is still a ginger prince and a bald prince going out with a girl who wears mini-kilts

Sanctimonious arseholes who you wouldn't want to have a drink with still write in to The Guardian (and for the record: Bill Vellutini was a fucking great bloke, and having known him I can guarantee that there was nothing inappropriate in him saying that Nigella Lawson was good looking: she was, and is)

The Sun assures me that there is no global financial crisis, and that there is crime sex etc.

The Telegraph has photographs of monkeys at desks and ads for special baths.


Like I say, not much changes.

It is my one year anniversary of living in Canada

How I got here is another story altogether, and one that may, one day, be worth telling. (I am thinking of doing it in the form of an epistolary novel, but will try and make it more interesting than for e.g. Clarissa by perhaps writing to imaginary friends and/or celebrities, who then write back, except the letters will be made up.)

Suffice to say that if you had told me two years and three days ago that I would be living in Montreal with a French-Canadian veterinary research histopathogist, I would have laughed in your silly face. But it is true!

(Thanks again to Dave Shelton, virtual friend and genius illustrator, for my 'hot pix'.)

They're sending in monkeys again

Look at this!!!! It is apparently a squirrel monkey in a tree, gracefully provided by a new reader who goes by the mysterious name of Icy Mt.




Regular readers are only too aware of the gallery, but new readers may look at it if they wish (there is a 'link' on the right, entitled "Splendid Monkey Gallery").

Should you wish to submit a splendid monkey of your own, I would encourage you to look at the original post, which provides monkey picture enthusiasts with some 'guidelines' for submission.


Come on readers!!! Spank my monkey gallery!!!

"Unacceptable", says Janine

And I agree. First hedgehogs and hamsters; now this!

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I Work In Advertising

Often, people write in to me with their hands, begging to know what it is that I do during the day. I do not say much. The answer is not what I wish it were (i.e., "I am non-working"); usually I say, "I work in an advertising agency", because that is what I do.

Often that is enough and the people stop talking to me, leaving me alone to snack from the capacious cheeseboard that is the inevitable feature of any social gathering nowadays, but sometimes they say, "Oh, do you write the adverts then?", and I say, "No, I do not write the ads*", and then they say, "are you an Account Execketiff?", and I say, for there is no point trying to explain, "yes, something like that".


Then they start talking and I start thinking about death. Usually the topics are as follows:


"Obviously I don't work in the business but let me tell you what I think about all the ads currently on telly, because I am a consumer and therefore my opinion is very important."


 I do not try and explain the notion of "targeting" to these people as they just cross their arms in a self-congratulatory style and say, again, "Yes, but ultimately, we're all consumers, aren't we?", even if they are a 49 year old accountant from Shrewsbury slagging off an ad for a mobile telephone designed for 23 year olds.

"I tell you what my favourite ad is ... "


It is usually something from the 1980s featuring a ghastly 'jingle', or one of the following:

- famous music (e.g. the Hovis ad)
- cartoon animals (e.g. Creature Comfort HeatElectric ads)
- someone famous (e.g. Cinzano)
- something with child in it.

I am glad you like the ad you like, and I am glad that you care enough to remember it,  but do not assume I want to hear about it.  (And yes, I probably have seen it already.)

"I don't know how you can live with yourself. Advertising is morally wrong."

Oh grow up.

I will listen to you if you can prove that you do not expose yourself to, or enjoy anything that is funded by, advertising - e.g. newspapers, magazines, most TV, most free digital content.

"I am going to tell you a really good idea I had for an advert once. I can't believe they didn't make it, but I won't be surprised if they use it one day."

Interesting fact: whether you agree with it morally or not, coming up with advertising ideas that do what they're supposed to, i.e. sell stuff, is fucking difficult and very, very few people can do it well. Your idea is probably not very good, otherwise you would be wearing questionable trousers and sitting in an office in Soho earning a million pounds a year.

"Most advertising on the telly these days is shit ."

True.

"The Dove campaign is a cynical marketing ploy brought to you by the company that make Lynx, and it is hypocritical in the extreme."

True. But also false. Sort of.

"You must have moral doubts about what you do."


Not really. Not moral ones. I don't think what I do is very useful or important in the grand scheme of things, but I enjoy it. When I'm not working with idiots.

"Advertisers should stop spending money on advertising and, like, invest it back in the business or give it back to shareholders or something."

Do you own any kind of share-based savings or pension plan?
Yes.
Do you know how businesses are valued?
Yes.
So you know the difference between a tangible and an intangible asset, then?
No.
Well shut the fuck up then.

"Ads interrupt everything and are really annoying."

True.

And with that, have a monkey:



And if you don't like that, how about a live pet seahorse with shell for only $1?
















And if you don't like THAT, how about this?



(Could you see the ladies? I couldn't, but I could hear them.)


* How to tell if someone who works in advertising knows that they're talking about: rank amateurs call them 'adverts'; those that reckon they know what they are doing call them 'ads'. In North America, they call them 'spots' (when talking about television commercials). No-one else gives a fuck.