Two of my best friends arrive from London with all the newspapers. My friends are what I miss about England. I don't think about it because there is nothing I can do about it (I will be living in Canada for a while), and thinking about it would make me mad; but even nine months has made little difference: we still make poo jokes and talk about cheese.
When I read the newspapers I am glad to see that nothing much has changed in the UK, including:
Posh has a hairdo (but still has a common little face)
Nikkkkiii out of Big Brother is still in the newspapers
As is Jade Doughface Goody (who had children with her identical twin)
As is also Jordan, who has breasts and a face with airbrushing
And that woman out of Men Behaving Badly with the lips.
Pikeys are still beating each other up and puking on stuff and having ASBOs and what-have-you
There is still a ginger prince and a bald prince going out with a girl who wears mini-kilts
Sanctimonious arseholes who you wouldn't want to have a drink with still write in to The Guardian (and for the record: Bill Vellutini was a fucking great bloke, and having known him I can guarantee that there was nothing inappropriate in him saying that Nigella Lawson was good looking: she was, and is)
The Sun assures me that there is no global financial crisis, and that there is crime sex etc.
The Telegraph has photographs of monkeys at desks and ads for special baths.
Like I say, not much changes.
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7 comments:
I'm still in the UK and was also unaware of all of that (except for the sanctimonious arsehole writing to the Guardian).
I shall never forget Bill V telling us how he won a cookery contest by NOT cutting up the parsley too small.
And he taught us how to say his name by writing, in perfect script, Value - Tea - Knee.
he was what my mummy would call a poppet (and NOT as in "there's no place you can't poppet")
I expect the Daily Express is still alternating between pictures of Diana and sightings of Madeleine McCann, although I doubt your friends brought you over a copy. I will check asap.
I avoid all newspapers. Except the ones in the checkout lines that tell me really useful things - like this is definitely the year when Nostradamus is really going to nail it, or how space aliens cure acne. One must keep current.
I have to warn you, gently, NWM, and you might want to sit down at this point, that oafish toff Boris Johnson is now in charge of London. I know that sounds like I am taking the piss, but unfortunately it is true.
Canada is looking beautiful today, no?
You talk about cheese? Which cheese in particular????
The Sun is rubbish except for the Hagar cartoons. Fact.
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