Day 561: I Resort To Speed-O-Blog

As I am still recovering from a near-death experience in yesterday's snowstorm (note for British readers: a 'severe weather warning' involves 35cm of snow in 24 hours, temperatures of minus 14, 90mph winds, freezing rain, gritters, snowploughs and sleet, not minus 4 and 1cm of snow in the Lothians), I will be brief. ("Thank the sweet Lord for the gift of mercy!", I hear you cry.)

As usual, I have cock-all of any import to say, and a couple of questions:

Question 1: Debbie Macomber

For reasons too strange to relate, I need to know if you are aware of the novels of Debbie Macomber. You can look at her website here. If you like her, why do you like her? And are you a Christian? (She cures hypertension, apparently.)

This Made Me Laugh So Much I Squirted

It is the very brilliant radio show, This American Life, and it is an episode called The Super. Watch out for the snowman.

Question 2: Vibrators and other 'marital aids'

Would you ever buy a vibrator and/or other 'marital aids' in a supermarket, if they were in 'discreet packaging' and stocked in the same place as the condoms and lubricants?

The New Web-blog

The other blog I write for, A Lard Off My Mind, is 'going great guns', as the vicar's wife might say about the Church Roof Fund.

You may like it. It is not whingey, it contains photographs of Millionaire's Shortbread, and the other three people who write for it are funny and interesting.

Sweary People-Descriptors

Regular readers will be aware of last weekend's post, in which I try to rank sweary person-descriptors. My list will, however, be revised in the next few days following excellent suggestions from readers, including douchebag, cockmonkey, prick and spastic. (It is not too late to add some of your own.)

Cat News

Regular readers will be aware of my view of cats (they must be exterminated), and of my cat Monster in particular. (Incidentally, he still needs a home; he's yours if you want him.)

However, it has been brought to my attention that some people like cats, and in particular, photographs of fat cats in foolish poses. I therefore bring you, as a special Saturday afternoon treat, some photographs of one of the cats with which I currently share a house. Yes, here she is: it is Corndog - almost as fat as Monster, much prettier, but still - sady - a cat.



































Question 3: Are The Quebecois The Worst Drivers In Canada?

Why, when the roads are icy, visibility is about 10ft, the snow is horizontal, gigantic trucks travelling at 200mph are kicking up slush that covers your windscreen, and the wind is blowing at 90mph, do drivers in Quebec drive like fucking lunatics, including:

1. Changing lanes fast, into very small gaps, without indicating
2. Overtaking on the outside lane
3. Getting so close behind you you can't see their headlights in your rear view mirror
4. Swooping up behind you until you get out of the way, even if you have nowhere to move to.

It makes me sick with terror every time, and also explains why, on a mile-long stretch of the 640, there were three cars and one lorry either upside down or on their sides. I hate it. Does everyone in Canada drive like that, or is it just the French-Canadians? (This is a serious question!! I cannot believe I am asking it in a serious style, but the fact remains that I do actually want to know the answer.)

(I should also point out that I live with a Quebecois chap who not only won four episodes of Quebec Jeopardy, but is also a very good driver.)

I Am Considering Employing The Services Of An Interior Decorator

Many times have I passed the roadside store of Phillipe Dagenais, interior designer and style icon. Based on these two photographs, do you think I should put our palatial Canadian home to his perfectly-manicured hands?
























I Am Legal

Tomorrow I go to the border to 'activate' my work permit. I am now legal and officially allowed to be in Canada; more to the point, I am officially allowed to work.

From next Tuesday, therefore, I will once again be working full-time; but despite the fact that I will be literally working, I will, as always, remain non-working in my heart.

Day 556: I Offer Up A New Web-Blog For Your Enjoyment (If You Are A Porker)

Debate continues to rage unchecked in the comments box of Saturday's post, in which I attempt to define and rank sweary person-descriptors (e.g., is "twat" worse than "idiot", and would you rather be called a "cunt" or a "cretin" behind your back?).

I will be returning to the subject in the next day or so in order to take into consideration recent submissions, including "douchebag" and "fuckwit", but in the meantime you may enjoy a little joint venture I have entered into with my esteemed friends
Katy, Anna and Wendy.

"And what is the nature of this venture?", I hear you cry. "Does it contain drawings of mansticks you have known, or perhaps pictures of cakes?". No, my friends, it does not. It is about weight loss.

I am well aware of the fact that the subject of 'weight loss' features fairly high in list of "Blog Topics That Make Me Want To Vomit"; in fact, my top 10 Blog Topics That Make Me Want To Vomit list (which is scrawled in the back of my much-fingered copy of Ulysses), looks like this:

1. Being a 'Mommy'
2. Teenage angst
3. My depression
4. I have been dumped
5. Weight loss
6. Politics (if ill-informed)
7. Sex
8. How to knit fruit
9. My (really fucking bad) photographs
10. My life

But in this case it is different, because this weight loss blog is not wanky-whingey defensive old bollocks that cocks on about how stupid all men are for not all wanting to play hide-the-sausage with the "larger lady". No no. Nor is it self-pitying. (Impossible, as all the people involved in the blog are hotter than a mosquito's tweeter; just a bit porky. At the moment.)

It is called A Lard Off My Mind, and you might like it - whether you are a porker or not!

Day 554: I Try To Rank Sweary Person-Descriptors

I have been inspired by dear Wendy over at her web-blog It's A Life, who has been wondering whether or not she is a dork.

I do not think she is, but that is another matter. Pressing more on my tiny monkey mind is what 'dork' means and where it stands in the ranking of sweary person-descriptors, leading - inevitably - to an attempt to define the other sweary person-descriptors in common usage.

(Oh, and when I say that contributions and comments are welcome, I mean it. For once.)

Twat

Reckons themselves a bit. Does or says stupid things, and not entirely unintenionally, i.e. the action that resulted in the person being called a 'twat' could have been averted at some level. Not malicious, but not entirely without blame either.

Better dressed than a fuckwit (see below), but not as well dressed as a cunt (see below).

Bitch

When used by a woman about another woman, usually implies manipulative and able to, without so much as a by-your-leave, to do the dirty on another lady in order to get what she wants. Has at least one pair of 'sexy' shoes, even if they cost £4.99 from Shoe Express.

When used by a man, means 'girlfriend' (my own label of choice!)

Cow

Like bitch, but the lady in question is slightly older, more bitter, and endlessly mean for the sake of it, probably because she was jilted at the altar twenty years ago in favour of her better looking younger sister.

Wears comfortable shoes and smells a bit of wee.

Idiot

Usually used to describe occasional behaviour, e.g. "you were an idiot".

Usually the result of something annoyingly preventable, e.g. leaving the freezer door open or having a small crash in your mother-in-law's car; often the only people to suffer are the idiots themselves.

Fuckwit

Fuckwits are like idiots, except the result of their actions usually costs more (e.g. leaving the back door open vs. leaving the freezer door open), or inconvenience a greater number of people (e.g. cocking on about sorting out the holiday, getting to the airport and then finding out that you've left all the tickets at home and your passport's out of date).

Note: not malicious; just thoughtless (bordering on selfish).

Wanker

Male bitch.

Cock

Relentlessly irritating. Goes on and on. Bad suits. Likes R.E.O. Speedwagon and drives a BMW 3-Series. Will never be cool, however hard he tries.

Cretin

My brother.

Cunt

Capable of doing terrible things. Entirely untrustworthy, disingenuous, manipulative, self-serving and awful, but often highly intelligent and worthy of grudging respect. Often extremely well-dressed.

If someone hated me, I would want them to describe me as a cunt.

Dork

A sweet geek; doesn't realise that their occasional awkwardness is endearing. Probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Geek

Bill Gates, but without the money. May not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. (People in good shoes saying "Oh I'm such a GEEK" when showing off their iPod Touch to a room full of unimpressed ladies are not geeks; they are twats.)

Asshole

This is an American term that is, to my mind, a relentless combination of twat, cunt and wanker. Any illumination from Americans who have a good knowledge of British English (or vice-versa) would be gratefully received.

I am sure there are more, and I am sure I will re-write this post one hundred times, but for the time being I would rank them thus (starting with the baddest):

1. Cunt
[Asshole]
2. Wanker/Bitch
3. Cow/Twat
4. Twat
5. Cock
6. Cretin
7. Idiot
8. Geek
9. Dork

I, for example, and am idiot.

SPLENDID MONKEY GALLERY 2008: I Receive The First Submission

A monkey arrives in my electronic mail inbox. It is from Jo, and is accompanied by a mysterious note:

"From a lurker."

It is mildly alarming, but extremely amusing; I particularly like the detail of the contemporary spectacles. Here he is:







He has cheered me up no end! I shall concentrate on monkeys for the rest of the month in the hope that they (via me) will alleviate the collective mild depression I feel radiating across the world.

It only remains for me to say: Congratulations, Jo!


(Please read Jo's web-blog. It is about craft things, but not one bit boring. She also provides a link to another web-blog that had me rigid with glee over the marmalade: it is called Monkee Maker and mainly consists of knitted monkeys. I am going to send Monkee Maker an electronic mail asking if she takes commissions this very afternoon, immediately following my purchase of snowshoes and cross-country skis. Sadly, this latter statement is not a joke.

Day 553: I Revive A Popular Favourite

Regular readers will be aware of the work of the Splendid Monkey Gallery which was - at its inception in October 2006 - received with near-hysterical joy by monkey picture lovers across the world.

But what is this? Yes! I am going to revive it for 2008! Great news, I am sure you will agree.

"Why the revival?", I hear you cry. The answer is simple! It is January and many friends (real and virtual) are a little down in the mouth, what with the endless grey sky and prospect of February to come. Why, even my own ability to affix a rictus grin to my gurning monkey face has been tried of late for a number of reasons, including temperatures of -17, minor car accidents and the mind-bending strangeness of waiting for a work permit to arrive from the Canadian government.

But enough of this misery. Let us cheer ourselves up with pictures of splendid monkeys and create Splendid Monkey Gallery 2008, which is quite a lot like (if not identical to), Splendid Monkey Gallery 2006-2007 (which may be viewed at your leisure by pressing either on the ever-changing Flickr box on the right, or on this word here).

Should you wish to enter a picture of a splendid monkey, you may do so by following the instructions clearly laid out here. (In summary: I decide if they're in or not based on whether or not they make me laugh; email me the hot snaps at nonworkingmonkey@mac.com.)

Finally, to start things off I offer you, my legions of adoring readers, a photograph of a splendid monkey-based bathroom accessory spotted at the St-Eustache fleamarket last weekend. (Eagle-eyed French-speaking viewers will note that he is the last of a discontinued line, but we were unable to buy him as our bathrooms are already full of plaster lizards, life-sized cutouts of Pierre Trudeau and slightly soiled copies of The Readers' Digest.)






















Come on then! What you got? And is it better than this?