Day 523: I Use Up The Leftover Turkey And Ham

(NB: this is an actual real pie that we ate with our mouths last night. I photographed it before 'going at it' with a David Mellor cake slice.)

Day 520: I Wish You A Merry Christmas

I am in France! It is like French-Canada (where I live), except full of old stuff. Other differences are that they speak a French that I understand and do not have snow on everything like they do in French Canada. It is also only 0 degrees, not minus 22.

In celebration of this multi-Frenchness, I offer you a charming video of Celine Dion (the Princess Diana of Quebec, except not dead), singing The Christmas Song.

This is to help you regurgitate (in the alleged manner of the ancient Romans) if you eat too much over the 'festive season'. I find two minutes of Celine will usually enable the efficient 'voiding' of up to and including twelve mince pies and/or an entire pyramid of Ferrero Rocher; thirty seconds is sufficient for a plate of turkey and all the 'trimmings'*.



Don't say I never give you anything.

Happy Christmas one and all!!!

NWM

* This expression alone allows me to keep my weight down over the holiday season.

Day 515: I Am Amused By A Search Result

I am back in Blighty for the 'festivities' and have nothing to say on the subject (yet). In the meantime, I was very pleased to see that one lucky punter found my web-blog via the following means:






What a thing it must be, this squirrel!

Day 513: I Offer My Readers A Christmas Quiz

Everyone normal thinks Sting is a cock, but do not let that put you off playing my one-off special Christmas quiz, which involves thinking a bit about whether you would rather read a book with Sting in it or let Prince Edward paw at your ladygarden (and/or manstick).

OK. Here we go with the quiz. It is really great. What you have to imagine is that you are looking at the display of 'literature' I will now show you in a photograph. (It is a display I saw earlier this afternoon in Indigo on Ste-Catherine, just behind the piss-poor CD section).


















I will give you some time to stop being sick in your own mouth at the mere thought of Sting, and then I will ask you to consider the other 'works' in the display and answer a simple question:

Which would you rather do?

1. Own a book of Sting's lyrics because you think he's good;

2. Own a book with Ronnie Wood doing embarrassing mock-shadow boxing on the front in the style of a twat;

3. Accept the very existence of a book called "Still Takin' Care Of Business - The Randy Backman Story" ;

4. Stick sharp sticks in your eyes;

5. Get an 'intimate nudging' off of the Princely mace.





If you are in any doubt, I am able to help you with your decision. Simply read this, or just have a quick squizz at this:

Day 512: I Am Going To Fucking Die

I am in my study and this is what I can see out of the window, i.e. not much, because it has been snowing for hours and hours and it is never going to stop.






















In England a state of national emergency would have been declared, inc. the Queen on the BBC wearing a bobble hat and asking people not to panic. Here (i.e. Canadia, where I am), they talk about blizzards, yes, but not in a dramatic way; they just suggest driving a bit more carefully and thinking twice before travelling.

I predict that it is only a matter of days before they put on the central heating and accept that it might be time to wear a winter coat, but by then it will be too late. I will be dead, frozen with my hand hovering over the 'Delete this blog' button.