Non-workingmonkey's Handy Hints, No. 5

Do not, under any circumstances, try and make bechamel with wholemeal flour.

Non-workingmonkey's Handy Hints, No. 4

Do not go to the supermarket with a hangover at 8.30 in the morning and then sit in a car with a loaf of warm bread.

Non-workingmonkey's Handy Hints, No. 3

Do not get drunk by accident the day before you are having 16 people round for dinner. The food won't make itself; nor will the flat clean itself, or the piles of junk move to the cellar as if by Magic and of their own accord. It is also highly unlikely that the table will lay itself or the fringe re-arrange itself to accommodate ten bottles of Cava; and there isn't a chance in hell that the plugs will put in their own fuses.

Day 95: I Am Drunk, And Then I Am Not

Lunchtime Booze is evil, and should be stopped. I know what happens when I drink when it is light outside, and every time I meet someone for lunch I swear I will have one glass of faine waine then come home and read Proust. But no. For today I went out, and came back many hours later a bottle and a half of wine down. In the evening, that would barely touch the sides; but in the afternoon, it makes me do things I would otherwise not do.

1. Reply to emails v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y as I am concentrating. I know for a Fact ("Are you OK? You sound cross"), that I sound cross, when I am not; I am merely trying very hard to put the letters in the right order, and the apostrophes in the right place.

2. Sing to myself (usually Elbow) in the style of Tammy Wynette whilst looking in cupboards.

3. Eat toast.

4. Run hot baths and lie in them wondering at the miracle of my toes, which seem very, very far away.

5. Write lists of things I haven't done as have been drunk all afternoon.

6. Decide to sell the flat and live in a hut in a field.

I am sober again now and full of regret. Luckily, I am also in my dressing gown having eaten toast and had a hot bath, and I should probably go and have a little lie down.

Day 95: I Do Not Get The Job

Following a sweaty, ill-prepared and hungover interview for a job I didn't want earlier this week, I receive some truly astonishing "feedback".

To my amazement, I am apparently "obviously very able" and "impressive", but "do not have enough recent FMCG experience" and am "too senior". (Maybe this is HR*-talk, and what they really mean is Too Old.)

Happily, therefore, I do not have to do this job I do not want to do. (I couldn't have worked with them anyway; they are obviously deaf and insane.) I will instead hope to do a non-permanent job I want to do, with people I already know well and like very much.

In the meantime, I've got at least another week of afternoon sleeps and Jeremy Kyle double bills on ITV2.



* Human Resources. Head of Talent. Head of People. Personnel. Real title should be "In charge of salaries and contracts, fire wardens and first aid and that, and get involved if someone you don't fancy touches your boot-ay").