In the first of an occasional series, I try and tell you what's happening in Britain at the moment by sitting in Montreal and looking at 1) The British media, i.e. telly, radio, newspapers, etc*; 2) Twitter, Facebook etc.
OK here goes. Tell me if I am wrong and/or have missed something.
The Weather
It is really bad and it keeps raining the whole time. The sky covers your poor heads like a translucent grey awning, and you wonder if S.A.D. is actually true. Everyone is blaming the Met Office, which means that the Met Office is God - unless you are Richard Dawkins, in which case neither the Met Office nor the weather exist.
The Olympics
The whole "Jimmy Page and Boris Johnson and a London Bus" thing means that few people dare watch the opening ceremony, even if it does involve the man who directed Trainspotting turning the stadium into a version of the English countryside based on The Tempest by W. Shakespeare (inc. 70 sheep and a plough).
This is understandable, but I think it's a bit sad that everyone has forgotten to be a bit excited (in the proud style of our French and American cousins), rather than tutting the whole time. As far as I can see, the tuts are mainly about:
Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney turned off
They were half an hour over, and they'd stopped singing. All this "joyless London noise police" stuff is stupid. Everyone on Facebook was very angry about this, especially people in America. If they like Paul McCartney so much THEY ARE WELCOME TO HIM.
That is all for now. Let me know if you would like my distance-analysis on any other topics.
Pip "Dimbleby" Pip
NWM
* Thank you, myexpatnet, the TuneIn app and all the British papers apart from The Times (that I don't read anyway)
It is really bad and it keeps raining the whole time. The sky covers your poor heads like a translucent grey awning, and you wonder if S.A.D. is actually true. Everyone is blaming the Met Office, which means that the Met Office is God - unless you are Richard Dawkins, in which case neither the Met Office nor the weather exist.
The Olympics
The whole "Jimmy Page and Boris Johnson and a London Bus" thing means that few people dare watch the opening ceremony, even if it does involve the man who directed Trainspotting turning the stadium into a version of the English countryside based on The Tempest by W. Shakespeare (inc. 70 sheep and a plough).
This is understandable, but I think it's a bit sad that everyone has forgotten to be a bit excited (in the proud style of our French and American cousins), rather than tutting the whole time. As far as I can see, the tuts are mainly about:
- The Olympic lanes on the motorways: are they or aren't they in action? Yes they are, and everyone has got a 150 pound ticket.
- The security which is a right fuck-up. It is going to be done by a) the army; b) some 18 year olds.
- The cleaners live in sheds that leak.
- Some Americans got lost.
- The Mall is closed. I do not know this for sure but it usually is.
- This is just another sign of broken Britain.
On the other hand, Twenty Twelve exists. If anyone says, O what is this British humour of which you speak? I will say, you see this programme? In it, one of the most important events this year is taken the piss out of by the BBC, and the organisers of the event join in - even bloody Sebastian bloody Coe !!! (I don't know if this is actually quite sad - i.e. that we are really good at laughing at ourselves and assume everything is going to go to shit - or just funny. Let me know what you think.)
Food
- Hugh and Nigel have got their berries out.
- Yotam is doing something Swedish and something Palestinian at the same time, and putting at the forefront an ingredient that is usually an accent.
- Rose Prince is making a cake or two for charity.
- So far, we have managed to avoid Williamsburg-style 'tea ateliers', and in my lighter moments I like to think another good thing about the people of Britain is that they do not take themselves too seriously. (See above.) This kind of nonsense is therefore, I hope, unlikely.
- Suck and Chew is still going strong and this is good news.
- Kids that watch more TV get fatter.
- The 9 year old was allowed to keep her blog.
The Royal Family
- The Queen needs a rest.
- Kate is still wearing those nude courts from LK Bennett, and everyone is a bit confused by her body in a bikini (put on a magazine by some Australians), because she doesn't have any hips. I don't mean, "she doesn't have ladycurves", I mean, "she doesn't appear to actually have the joints that join her legs to the rest of her body".
Politics
I don't listen anymore so I don't know. All I know is that that appalling little shit George Osborne still has an important job, and that the PM is apparently still committed to the coalition. Other than that it all looks like a clusterfuck from over here and I'm probably well out of it. Even this twat (i.e., the PM of Canada - who FYI had never been anywhere but Canada until he was made PM) seems preferable.
Other than that Canada is economically pretty stable etc and other than some young people banging on casserole dishes (for good reason, as it goes), things seems quite reasonable. That is until the whole "English vs. French Canada" thing comes up, at which point I decide finally and conclusively to run away over the sea far far away. (It's like England vs. Wales or England vs. Scotland x 1,000,000.)
The Bachelor
I don't know why they bother. Spencer is only going to go for the posh birds (i.e. 5%), and is not going to be taken in by that tight-lipped trollop who kept talking about 'horseriding'.
50 Shades of Grey
Everyone can go on about this as much as they like but she is earning something ridiculous like $250,000 A DAY. This is easier than working in McDonald's etc.
And all those clever journalists can sneer all they like. I know that at night they sit in their sheds and wish that they could write something that that many people go and buy. They're cross because people buy shit. There's nothing you can do about it. People buy shit. And anyway, who are you to say what's shit and what's not?
In other news, apparently the Audio Book uses Thomas Tallis' Spem In Alium as atmosphere music (or something), which makes sense because 'Spem in Alium' means 'Jizz In The Onions', which not a lot of people know.
The Archers
2 words: Kate. Archer.
Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney turned off
They were half an hour over, and they'd stopped singing. All this "joyless London noise police" stuff is stupid. Everyone on Facebook was very angry about this, especially people in America. If they like Paul McCartney so much THEY ARE WELCOME TO HIM.
That is all for now. Let me know if you would like my distance-analysis on any other topics.
Pip "Dimbleby" Pip
NWM
* Thank you, myexpatnet, the TuneIn app and all the British papers apart from The Times (that I don't read anyway)
15 comments:
It is a ridiculous book, 50 Shades. But I bought it and read it so who's laughing now? She is, whilst sitting on a big pile of five pound notes. A small part of me thinks that it is not worth even mad crazy money to write a book that is so badly written, but it is drowned out by the bigger, louder, poorer part of me that quite fancies the money.
This is why pseudonyms exist. In the olden days it was to pretend that lady writers were men. Now it is to pretend 'real' writers are sexytime writers. I am at the moment wondering what sort of sexytime writing for e.g. A S Byatt would do
Or P D James.
Who writes in partnership with Lady Antonia Fraser
Ooh, I"m dying to tell someone that Mr & Mrs Shades of Grey live in our street and are very funny and nice people. Everyone here knows already and I have no one left to tell. Yes, I know I'm pathetic.
This time last year I would have invited them over for a beer but now will it make me look like the sad starfucker I am? I don't even care that the book isn't even any good.
Actually, Anon (hullo and welcome) this is PRECISELY the kind of information we need and it is not ONE BIT pathetic. I am v. glad they are funny and nice. Everyone has forgotten to even wonder about that (I'm not including you in that, Newton). I hope they are laughing their heads off right now. And I think you should go and have a beer with them because everyone else is probably trying to avoid being a starfucker & avoiding them & they are at home all alone. Plus I'd need a beer if I was having to put up with the sort of shite she is at the moment.
They were dissecting the book on Radio 4 the other day. I just thought: really? Haven't you got anything better to do with your time? It wasn't even an interesting (cultural? sociological?) analysis of why it was such a hit - it was just more writing-bashing and feminist criticism, etc etc. Ooh rant rant. p.s. I haven't read it but the principle stands
Well this is just totally brilliant! I can now leave the UK/fail to leave my own flat ever again and still feel totally up to speed with everything that actually matters (i.e. The Bachelor and what drama Kate Archer is currently causing).
Might I suggest a wee addition to the fact that The Boss and Macca got turned off? The really important fact was that Paul Simon (who played the same stage the next day) was not cut off...and in fact did two encores, which were ace. Ergo, Paul Simon = better than Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney. Hurrah!
I am delighted by this information! FYI if Sting was on they would have had an 'unexpected outage' at around 8pm
I too love this (and may I say, Ms Monkey, how delighted I am that you have been freed from the shackles of employment leaving you free to pursue the much greater cause of improving bloggerdom - hurrah!). Having left England last week, driven out by both the driving rain and the driving political / Olympian drivel, I now find self in a strange no-man's land (aka "Florida") where Blighty seems like something dreamt up by Lewis Carroll after a particularly heavy night on the opium. This isn't helped by the fact that the only access I have to British media is real-time radio 4, which means that my evenings are spent listening to programmes about whether art really exists, and what Melvyn Bragg thinks of it all. Thank you for your v welcome synopsis of what I am actually missing (in the loosest sense of the word).
I am in the France and also am reliant on Radio 4 and, admittedly, more than a bit of telly.
When dozing this morning, I think I heard someone say that Russell Brand will close the Olympics singing 'I am the Walrus'. Can this be true?
Me again.
I wanted to clarify that I wasn't making a po-faced point about how no one should criticise the Shades of Grey book because the author is a nice person. I think it probably is a pretty bad book and fair enough to say so, but as you say there is a fair amount of venom about it and I don't hear anyone dissecting the literary quality or lack thereof of the kind of porn that men "read". Anyway, they have just bought an enormous car, probably to carry all their money home from Amazon HQ.
I don't know if monkeymother is wittily commenting on the hilarity of the Olympics nonsense or if this is genuinely planned for the end-of-Olympics extravaganza. It is credible.
Having watched the Jubilee Concert of Wank from behind the sofa, I now believe anything is possible. Perhaps for the closing ceremony they will shoot Sting into space on a giant rocket while Elton John is wheeled around singing Tiny Dancer standing on the laps of paralypians, backed by the BBC Concert Orchestra and accompanied by a choreographed dance event including all gold medal winners, Boris Johnson and all past members of both Pan's People and Hot Gossip.
Anonymous, reveal yourself, for you are filling me with joy.
Monkeymother YES PROBABLY (see above)
Reluctant Launderer, HULLO. I am sorry for your Floridian troubles. NPR isn't bad if you are in America. That's all I can say on the subject.
In other news, O that I had known about this yesterday: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/9404639/Pensioner-fights-off-petunia-thieves-with-trowel.html
Yeah, snappy URL. That's me all over. Whatevs.
I am somewhat concerned to find that you know more about what is happening the country where I live than I do. What is this about Kate Archer? I listen to about one episode a month and thought it was all about Ruth (awww nawww) and David being terrorised by a voice on the phone. It can't be Kate because the voice was a man and she was in South Africa last time I noticed anything.
All the rest (Olympics, shouty singing from old people, weather) sounds vaguely familiar like I heard about it from an aunt or something. I shall tune in to MonkeyNews regularly from now on.
Can no longer tolerate the Archers. Four words: ferrets, hammer, council flat.
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