I am, once again, a literally non-working monkey. This time, I was subject to forces beyond my control (unless I had chosen to evolve into the sort of person that wears flesh-coloured 'pantyhose', enjoys using a Palm Pilot and can think of nothing better than being on interminable conference calls with lunatics in the Far East), but I have left my last employer with affection and good heart, and all is well.
And yet. When you lose your job, people go odd. It is not realistic to walk around with a sandwich board saying, I AM 42 I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE NOT ONLY IS IT OK IT IS SUPER STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE EYES. It is also not realistic to expect that others are as blasé as I am about the whole affair, but still, here are some Tips if someone you work with is let go/made redundant/fired etc. OK here goes.
Do not pretend it isn't happening
If Bob has been laid off and Bob is packing up his boxes, do not pretend you do not know who Bob is. The chances are that you have, at the very least, worked with Bob for some time and are on speaking terms. Bob will appreciate it if you say, "I have heard what is happening and I hope you are OK with it" (or similar). If Bob is not OK he will cry, shout, rant etc. If he does, say nothing and back away. However, the chances are that Bob will like the fact that you are at least reacting to the Truth and not hiding in the lavatory having pretend wees.
Do not speculate on the reasons why
Unless there have been cross-company layoffs, a factory closure or (in my case) the loss of a big client, havin' a chitchat with Jackie in accounts on what terrible thing Bob may or may not have done is not helpful. You will never probably know the full reason why Bob is leaving, and unless Bob is a good pal who tells you all the dirt, you never will. For all you know, Bob is very happy about it as it will give him the chance to do something he really wants to do and/or move to the South of France and set up a nudist cycling club. So assume the best and let Bob go with a smile and a wave. (Unless he is the office pervert.)
Do not ask the person if they have a new job yet
If they have it's OK, but if they haven't and they are worried about it, this is is not a good thing to ask. Equally if, like me, they have no intention of looking for a job for a good long while, it can put them on the spot, because that leads to the next terrible question, namely:
Do not ask the person what they are going to do
If you are not an expert in the skill of literal non-workingness, as I am, you are probably still in a bit of shock and working out how much money you have to keep going for a while. Asking people what they are going to do puts them on the spot; they can't very well say "I am going to sit at home with my boxes, wonder what happened and then pick myself up off the floor and hope to find some sort of purpose to my life."
As we all know, I am quite the expert, so here is what I said:
"I am going to try and write the first 3 chapters and synopsis of the novel I have been talking about for five years, and go the gym a bit."
This is true, but it will also include:
"I am going to sleep properly, spring clean my flat, think about letting it before I go to Europe for a bit, write my blog, eat properly and look for pictures of cats in hats."
It will also include:
Seeing my husband properly for the first time in a year, remembering everyone's birthdays, sending the knitted monkey that I bought five months ago to my niece, wondering if we are going to move back to England, watching "Community" and stalking Deborah, Duchess of Devonshire.
Do not have a pitying look on your face, especially if the person is older than you
If you are 27 and have never lost your job, the idea is probably terrifying. I can tell you right now that unless you have many dependents (unlikely at 27) and/or are very unwell, it is really not that bad. Something else always comes along, and every time - and this I know from experience - the period of literal non-workingness focuses the mind; the chances are that the next job you have will be far more the sort of thing you should be doing.
If you are young and the person who has lost their job is a lot older than you, be careful. 1) because they may be like me, i.e. very wise, etc, and not that worried about it; or 2) they may be really worried. In either case, being patronised by a 27 year old is not going to help.
Do not say "Are you worried?"
About what? My sanity? Money? The future? Whether or not I will have to go and see headhunters again? Whether there really is such a thing as teacup people? As it happens I am not one jot worried (to the point that I have decided I am either very well-adjusted or completely bonkers), but that is probably not true of most other people, so do not ask.
This is all I can think of for the moment, but if anyone else has any tips please flood the comments box and watch as this centre of online job-loss expertise becomes richer by the minute.
Pip "Cats in hats" Pip
NWM
And yet. When you lose your job, people go odd. It is not realistic to walk around with a sandwich board saying, I AM 42 I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE NOT ONLY IS IT OK IT IS SUPER STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE EYES. It is also not realistic to expect that others are as blasé as I am about the whole affair, but still, here are some Tips if someone you work with is let go/made redundant/fired etc. OK here goes.
Do not pretend it isn't happening
If Bob has been laid off and Bob is packing up his boxes, do not pretend you do not know who Bob is. The chances are that you have, at the very least, worked with Bob for some time and are on speaking terms. Bob will appreciate it if you say, "I have heard what is happening and I hope you are OK with it" (or similar). If Bob is not OK he will cry, shout, rant etc. If he does, say nothing and back away. However, the chances are that Bob will like the fact that you are at least reacting to the Truth and not hiding in the lavatory having pretend wees.
Do not speculate on the reasons why
Unless there have been cross-company layoffs, a factory closure or (in my case) the loss of a big client, havin' a chitchat with Jackie in accounts on what terrible thing Bob may or may not have done is not helpful. You will never probably know the full reason why Bob is leaving, and unless Bob is a good pal who tells you all the dirt, you never will. For all you know, Bob is very happy about it as it will give him the chance to do something he really wants to do and/or move to the South of France and set up a nudist cycling club. So assume the best and let Bob go with a smile and a wave. (Unless he is the office pervert.)
Do not ask the person if they have a new job yet
If they have it's OK, but if they haven't and they are worried about it, this is is not a good thing to ask. Equally if, like me, they have no intention of looking for a job for a good long while, it can put them on the spot, because that leads to the next terrible question, namely:
Do not ask the person what they are going to do
If you are not an expert in the skill of literal non-workingness, as I am, you are probably still in a bit of shock and working out how much money you have to keep going for a while. Asking people what they are going to do puts them on the spot; they can't very well say "I am going to sit at home with my boxes, wonder what happened and then pick myself up off the floor and hope to find some sort of purpose to my life."
As we all know, I am quite the expert, so here is what I said:
"I am going to try and write the first 3 chapters and synopsis of the novel I have been talking about for five years, and go the gym a bit."
This is true, but it will also include:
"I am going to sleep properly, spring clean my flat, think about letting it before I go to Europe for a bit, write my blog, eat properly and look for pictures of cats in hats."
It will also include:
Seeing my husband properly for the first time in a year, remembering everyone's birthdays, sending the knitted monkey that I bought five months ago to my niece, wondering if we are going to move back to England, watching "Community" and stalking Deborah, Duchess of Devonshire.
Do not have a pitying look on your face, especially if the person is older than you
If you are 27 and have never lost your job, the idea is probably terrifying. I can tell you right now that unless you have many dependents (unlikely at 27) and/or are very unwell, it is really not that bad. Something else always comes along, and every time - and this I know from experience - the period of literal non-workingness focuses the mind; the chances are that the next job you have will be far more the sort of thing you should be doing.
If you are young and the person who has lost their job is a lot older than you, be careful. 1) because they may be like me, i.e. very wise, etc, and not that worried about it; or 2) they may be really worried. In either case, being patronised by a 27 year old is not going to help.
Do not say "Are you worried?"
About what? My sanity? Money? The future? Whether or not I will have to go and see headhunters again? Whether there really is such a thing as teacup people? As it happens I am not one jot worried (to the point that I have decided I am either very well-adjusted or completely bonkers), but that is probably not true of most other people, so do not ask.
This is all I can think of for the moment, but if anyone else has any tips please flood the comments box and watch as this centre of online job-loss expertise becomes richer by the minute.
Pip "Cats in hats" Pip
NWM
13 comments:
I read flesh-coloured 'pantyhose' as flesh-eating 'pantyhose' at first, which caused some alarm.
Happy non-workingness.
Stating the obvious but don't be that one who trawls for gossip whilst being all matey. "What will you do next? I hear such and such are looking?" *sneaky eyes*
That one deserves a slap.
Ooh dear is that what my google login looks like? Apologies
ARE you going to start a nudist cycling club? Because I would be concerned about chafing.
Do not worry about the login, dear Anonymous, because we will know who to call if our contractors need taxation advice. And you make a very good point. Sneakiness = slap upside the head with a 9lb carp.
No dear Katie I am not setting up a nudist cycling club - O how I wish it were so! - but I have heard that coconut oil smoothes things along nicely, as it were. And it's good for your hair, too. On your head. Apparently.
Katharine B- flesh eating pantyhose: imagine the infomercials. We shall be weight loss millionaires. Zing !
I've found non-workingness flummoxes those who have not become adept at this exacting and delicate art. It brings out the 'oh har har I've just thought of this TOTALLY original statement that you have never ever heard before, lemme lay it on you' types. As in 'oooh, you and Oprah are gonna be besties in a WEEK' or the like. I kind of want to point out that I still have a closet stocked with attractive high-heeled shoes and I happen to know the points where the skull is most likely to be egg-shell thin...*
*this last is due to being raised in a household where a) television was banned and b) there was a bookshelf stocked with every single Agatha Christie in the world.
What about pictures of cats wearing fruit on their heads? I have found a way to include them in lessons at least twice a year.
Does anyone still use a Palm pilot?
Also, I can confirm coconut oil does make life within and out much smoother.
Congratulations, dearest monkey. I am happy for you.
Happy Non Workingness! Enidd is ever so envious, because she too wants to become non-working again.
And Enidd is also happy you'll be blogging again, as she's trying to revive her (much more moribund) blog too. At a new location, because the old one seems to have disappeared up google's bottom.
Maybe a few rude place names are called for, to start things off on the right note - um, perhaps you have a little time on your hands?
I've got several blogger friends (all in their forties, as it happens) who have become non-working of late and none of them is at all unhappy about it, whether it was their own decision or thrust upon them. And you've always seemed perfectly well-adjusted to me. Have fun.
Z, so odd you should say that - I think there's something in the water. 3 close friends in same situation as me (also husband) - some more worried than others. Must be the Great Monkey In The Sky saying, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR THE SECOND HALF OF YOUR LIFE?
Enidd - come on do it, do it. Hello also,nice to see you again
Shelton - I love you and that is all
Hannah Joy Curious - do you mean 'smoother' in THAT way too?
Ronnie - you got any? Will start minor search today but any additions very much appreciated etc
Megan - hello dear. YES WELL exactly.
Ronnie: for you http://www.flickr.com/photos/loplop/galleries/72157622313153111/with/3301311091/#photo_3301311091
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