Regular readers will be aware of my most recent Bad Boss Blockbuster, in which the Bad Boss talks impenetrable business bullshit. Was there enough time to include everything? No there was not. What does that mean? I will tell you what it means: it means a sequel must be made. But this time, I would like you (i.e., my adoring readers and/or fans) to submit wanky boss-isms that you think should feature, and I will try with all my might to incorporate them.
For example, longtime reader and/or adoring fan LutraLutra made the following comment on the post to which I refer above:
"My boss’s boss enjoys saying things like ‘we’re transitioning from a hub and spoke model towards the hub and rim ideal’. And also ‘as you’ll be needed the duration of this project we’ve acquired the funding to backfill you’. Both of which made me laugh so much I had to fake a coughing fit."
MonkeyFather - short on words at the best of times, poor love - managed to squeeze out, tears choking in his throat:
"But Boss didn't ask to push the envelope, why not?"
Why not indeed, MonkeyFather! This, and any other (real) ones that you can spurt into the comments box below will be incorporated in the next Blockbuster. There will be no prize for the ones selected; simply appearing in one of my masterpieces will be reward enough.
Come on then! Show me what you've got!
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14 comments:
I can't think of any that were missing, but found you this - hope it helps with the Sequel (or will it be a Prequel?!)
Ali x
http://www.saidwhat.co.uk/bizphrases.php
It is the first time I have been sad that I do not work in an environment with (much) impenetrable jargon.
Oh, hang on: learning outcomes. Transferable skills.
We enjoy the odd game of "buzz word bingo" in our office, especially when our boss is on the phone. Favourite words are "space" and "sector".
When I hear "vertical markets" I feel an urge to punch someone.
Hope that helps?
I was once asked to: "liaise and diarise", but at least I understood what it meant.
Dave, I have dreamt of this moment all my life
1. "Harvest the low hanging fruit". Appropriately, this one makes me think of bollocks.
2. "Going open kimono". Noone in my workplace really knows what this means but it's used indiscriminately. It conjures ugly mental images.
"It's all about leadership." This was an ex-boss's favourite response to any question, no matter how mundane. Thus:
"Is the meeting at 3 or 4?"
"Ying*, it's all about leadership."
*He was a big user of given names. I think that must have been his idea of strong leadership.
"We must be gazelles. We are going to have many long and dull meetings discussing the best way to acheieve this."
All said without a smidge of irony.
"Integrate this into your workflow"
which translate as - if you do it this way it will be faster, I think
All my managers refer to my 'workflow' all the time and I have no idea what it means.
oh, and "the answers are all in the room" is another gem.
and, an hour and a half into a teleconference "let's just stop for a moment for me to explain what we mean when we say strategy." That was when a lot of people just crept out of the room.
A potential client once told me she "didn't know which bolt she wanted to cut her cloth from". I stuck up my hand and asked what she meant. We didn't win the business...
My friends, this is what they call "comedy gold". I am bracing myself for an afternoon of film-making. Keep 'em coming
my boss calls things 'leg openers'. this is disgusting and I have told him so. repeatedly.
My boss, a female VP, once used the phrase in a speech that she was practicing for the Board, "We're targeting our efforts because we don't want to spray and pray". I know she had heard this from another, male, VP. I had to privately tell her that "spray and pray" is a euphemism for more than poorly aimed machine gun fire and it may not be appropriate for use in front of the Directors. She did not believe and had to be directed to Urban Dictionary.
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