Favourite, that is, except dear Anna, with whom I shared a plate of gingerbread pancakes and a 'mimosa' (seen in the photograph to the left), in America's fashionable San Francisco Monday last. We touched upon many Topics, including the notion of inflating like a flesh balloon, the wonder of bracelets of saints (I must confess that I copied dear Anna and bought my own - $3.99, made in China - in Santa Cruz a few days later), and other privit topicks that I was keen to discuss, e.g. the Daily Mail website and how many Americans (but not all!!!!!) do not understand irony*; sadly, however, my companions did not share my enthusiasm, choosing instead to suck hungrily from their coffee cups and comment on the weather.After that, the only other person I know in San Francisco happened to see me walking past his window (this is not a joke; suffice to say we screamed and embraced), and the pathologist got up to his usual tricks with squirrels:
This is not the first time he has hypnotised squirrels; here he is in December 2006:
And here he is again, practising his dirty mind games on Montreal squirrels in the summer of 2008:
But all this is by-the-by, for I have only one thing of any import to tell you, and that is that I have found the most revolting expression in the English language. I have not forgotten the list; I will update it in due course, but surely this is the worst thing anyone has ever said out loud with their mouths:
"Yes, they are meaty nipples."
"Meaty nipples"? God help us, each and every one.
* When at the University of York not studying for my degree in English and Related Literature (e.g. Anglo Saxon, which is related to no language I know), I did a special paper in Jane Austen, which resulted in a 15,000 word essay on "The Role of Carriages in the Novels of Jane Austen and Maria Edgeworth" (2:1, but only because no-one could be bothered to read it). In my class was an American lady who said - and I swear on my life this is not made up - "Could you define irony for me?". Obviously we all screamed with joy, as Americans and their apparent lack of irony is the only way English people can console themselves re. loss of empire, etc.
21 comments:
Squirrel number 3 looks suspiciously like he might be about to do a runner to me. Even so, an ability to hypnotise 66% of squirrels is still nothing to scoff at- hats off.
For the love of God, in what context was the phrase about the meaty nipples was used?
Irony - it's that thing wot whatsername sang about, ain't it? You know, that song about forks and people dying and rain and wine and flies and things.
I likes irony I do as no one 'round here understands it so they take me terribly, terribly seriously and I can say what I like and still be thought ever so nice.
Hirsute
*shudder*
My mouth puckered as I read that awful expression. Ewwwwww!
PS - How are Canadians with irony?
Avril Lavigne notwithstanding, we're pretty good with the irony.
Wait - wasn't that Alannis Morissette with the ironic song?
Spot on, pinklea, but she refers to herself as Canadian-American so it is to be expected. I learned irony from two phrases my English friends use with alarming frequency: "How lovely!" and "You are a shining star!" Do meaty nipples come with maple syrup on the side?
I was bitten by a squirrel and after Tweeting that, am now being Followed by some sinister squirrel loving organisations.
Does the self-hair cutting gentleman have fingers which give off the faint whiff of nuts? That might render the furry rodent into an apparent hypnotic state of confusion? Just a thought.
Don't let him point that finger at you NWM, unless he could use his extraordinary powers to stop you drinking absinthe and smoking your clay pipe, neither of which is good for you.
apparently it's the fact that the above mentioned terribly irritating song has NO irony in it that makes it ironic. but that makes my brain feel as if it's folded in on itself like an origami waterlily thing. how DOES the pathologist get close enough to even start the pointy finger thing? i find this remarkable and i want to know more.
Please can I add 'nuptials' to the ongoing vile words list?
Have we done 'empowered' yet? What about 'facilitate'? Is it obvious that I have a 'team building' meeting this morning where we will discuss 'empowering' our colleagues and 'facilitating' frank and open 'dialogue' through the use of silly games and irritating 'work enhancement' programs?
Ah yes, nuptuals, I'll second that, especially in the phrase 'impending nuptuals' (perhaps there should be a follow-up series featuring words which are more or less OK on their own but acquire a dread quality when shackled). And if we are admitting semi-meaningless corporate buzzwords overused in the Public Sector, then can I perhaps advance a case for 'stakeholders' (which is a word I write fourteen times a month but am never quite sure what it means).
Anonymous and jonathan, please try to keep up as these were banned 3 posts ago. NWM would remind you but her adopted Canadian-ness renders her too polite.
I realise I failed to comment on your York Eng Lit degree - did encounter my mother's gerontophilia weird crush Jacques Berthoux? She used to follow him round campus lusting at his ancient arse. (Both my parents were York academics. I spent my childhood eating shitty food in Alcuin canteen). Or huge haired goon Geoff Wall?
Is that Anna's hairy arm in the pancakes/mimosa photograph or is it one of your simian features?
nwm - it's time you updated your blog!
when will NWM write something new
cock-in-a-box how long does it take!?!
Can't bear it, too exciting, all of it, except some of you are going WILDLY off course as this is not about ghastly management speak, but about words that make you feel slightly smeared in unctuous moistness after having heard them.
Badger, Anna does not have hairy arms. That is the arm of the manly self-haircutting French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist.
Canadians can be excellent with irony.
Charlotte - if the self-haircutting pathologist has fingers that give off the faint whiff of nuts, I'm in a lot of fucking trouble.
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