People have been asking me impertinent questions about my flat!!! Here is an 'upate' in the form of key facts, one set of which includes the word 'cunt' when describing a freeholder called Mr Dave.
Fact 1
It is not sold, despite the Haart of Brixton board outside proclaiming that is indeed sold 'Subject to contract'. A wanker has been trying to buy it for his spoilt daughter for 5 months. His game is dropping the price now and then; all things considered, he has been playing a long and boring game for twenty thousand pounds (I have got off lightly, considering the 'recession').
The estate agents are also fucking idiots, as is his solicitor who retired and passed the file on to someone else before Christmas; said new solicitor has not yet opened the file.
Meanwhile, my own solicitor travels back and forth to Devon, and the freeholder - an unspeakable cunt called Mr Dave, to whom I will without a doubt send a poo in a box (or an anonymous card that says, in the finest hand, "You, sir, are a cunt") - is trying to charge four hundred pounds for the filling out of a questionnaire.
Happily, the words "we'll take it off the market and let it instead" had the required effect, and someone is now faxing someone else about something. My Canadian friends listen in horror when I tell them this story, and ask questions about English property law with round innocent Colonial eyes.
Fact 2
None of this really bothers me, as these things are always annoying and there is nothing I can do about any of it .
Fact 3
MonkeyMother, in an act of kindness that far exceeded her greatest act of kindness so far (i.e. delivering me to a grateful world), spent a great deal of time, energy and money finding a home for the cat, a retardo called Monster.
Monster was taken on by a cat rescue home and put up for adoption and is, from what I can gather, now living happily in Bromley with a deaf woman called Irene and eight other cats.
Fact 4
My upstairs neighbour, Twatboy, turned out to be a decent chap, helpfully providing copies of insurance, looking after my friend and tenant when the kitchen ceiling fell in, and generally being nice. My friend and tenant suggested that his transformation might be something to do with his newish girlfriend, who spends a lot of time in her pyjamas eating peanut butter on toast.
Fact 5
I have been asked whether I "have a ring". I have many rings, including one for attaching keys together in a convenient bunch. Is that what you mean?
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7 comments:
Peanut butter on toast? Is she a Merkan?
only if she has 'jelly' with it, mr farty.
and, who knew twatboy would turn out to be nice?!
I feel so happy to get such joyful news of Monster and Twatboy. Twatboy has found love and Monster has found a cat lady. Marvellous; this is great news.
I'm quite sure they meant nose ring. And if you have one, please answer the following:
1) does the cold make the ring get all freezy and icy and horrible and if so could you please describe?
2) what happens when you have a cold in your nose? Do you remove the ring? If so, is there a problem with lateral escapage when blowing? If not, what do you do with the insidey bit?
3) is there an insidey bit at all, 'cause if there is then don't you have to spend rather a lot of time with your finger up your nose just to get it settled and if there isn't, don't you tend to lose the ring when sneezing?
Have always wanted to know these few essential facts so am hoping very much that you do, in fact, have a nose ring.
Yeah a nose ring, that's prolly what I meant!
Megan nose rings just kind of screw into your nose, so it pulls out there are no bits up there, I assume you mean a back like on a pierced earring? Nope none of those, just kind of a little corkscrew post.
Yes, but a burning questions I've had since... well... for a very, very long time is now answered! Only, what, exactly, does this thing corkscrew into - is one's nose permanently implanted with a sort of inside-out drill bit? I suppose I could just go and be pierced to find out but frankly that sounds painful and there's only so much I'm willing to do for scientific inquiry.
it doesn't attach to anything on the inside Megan, google body jewelry and look how they are made.
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