I do not enter competitions because if I did, I would definitely win them all and that would be unfair: other people need a chance - a chance they would not have if I were in the competition with them.
To 'demonstrate my point', here is a list of the prizes I would have won, had I been 'in the race', as it were:
Olympic Gold for Britain (three day event)
BAFTA for Best Actress for the film I wasn't in because I was doing my O-Levels*
Masterchef Grand Prix (Loyd Grossman era; I am not sure who the two oiks doing it now are)
Ask The Family (if I had entered by myself without my family, who shout "gin!" if you ask them anything at all)
Mastermind (specialist subjects: Literary Jurisprudence And The Novels Of James Joyce; Cakes of the World; The Evolution of Cockrings, 1902 - 1984)
The Krypton Factor (no explanation needed!!!)
The X-Factor (no explanation needed!!!)
The Orange Prize for Literature , which I would have given back because it is ladies-only therefore sexist, and I am definitely not a sexist. For example, I think that men should clean houses sometimes (e.g. when the woman is ill with tuberculosis and/or two broken arms), and some women should be allowed to drive, but only on special occasions.
The Booker Prize (very close between me and The Byatt, but I get it in the end, obv)
Nobel Peace Prize (no explanation needed!!!)
Instead, I have a couple of prizes from The Kinross Show (1975-1981) for various artistic endeavours, e.g. "Miniature Garden Made of Peanuts and Jelly Tots" (2nd place), and "Pasta Diorama of The Royal Wedding" (joint 1st place), a second-place award for my donkey, Roly (in pic), a distant memory of winning a bottle of sweet sherry on a Tombola in 1984, and the definite knowledge that I have 'won the heart' (!) of a French-Canadian pathologist. All this is good, but is it enough? No it is not. As a web-blogger of some repute (and very low daily visit statistics), I am constantly hoping that my Work will be recognised, that that I will win for e.g. a big award that has the National Press (nationality irrelevant) telephoning me, and publishers begging me to write a real book for them. (This is unlikely, but only because this particular craze passed in 2005, much in the same way that we had all moved on from Space Dust by 1980.)
There have been some 'blips' (as it were); a man called Tim once gave me a Swampy, whatever that is; but since then, nothing.
That is until yesterday!! Oh my word. Miss Baroque has given me an award!. It is really good too! Is it for being "powerful and a tonic" and also for being The Only Person She Knows Who Can Use Capital Initials Without It Being Cringeworthy. This is better than a first-place rosette for a pic of Chas 'n' Di made out of macaroni, let me tell you! Thanks, Ms B!
* For younger readers: O-Levels and CSEs were in the olden days, before children were stupid and had to do GSCEs instead. O-Levels were harder than CSEs, both of which were harder than GSCEs. I have 11 O-Levels, which means I am very clever, and 4 A-Levels, which means I am even cleverer. Also I am beautiful with a singing voice not unlike that of a young Mick Jagger.
9 comments:
Gwaaaan, post an mp3 of you singing! I'm sure the French Canadia has many haunting folk songs...
V glad you like your award, you certainly are both a powerful writer and a tonic.
And it was just like what I said about you - this post made me laugh!
nwm i will give u a puppy prize 4 good humour...just don't step on it while its burning on tha doorstep....
Gin!
Is the loyalty and respect of your avid readers not award enough?
No, thought not.
Got any money?
Did the award come with a sash and a sparkly fez? (obv you wouldn't wear a tiara - probably monkey fur gets caught in the spangly bits). And what did you do for the talent competition? What ever happened to beauty queen people doing ventriloquism I wonder...
I have been warned off the use of Unnecessary Capitals in some work I'm doing just recently - which I would think something of a cheek (and a Very Bad Thing) but for the fact that the warner offer is paying me money. So I am doing as I am told and compensating with Excessive Unnecessary Capitals elsewhere.
I want to know more about the film. When I was doing my O-levels I too didn't get a part in a film*, but I think it was because my youth theatre leader hated me, or was somehow blinded to my amazing talents.
*Extract from my diary, 9th June 1985:
"Spent all day trying to revise Physics O-level but not getting very far
...
Last night we saw a film with Jane G, the Queen Bitch of the Selbyites playing one of the leading parts! She got the part last year and everyone’s been raving about it and there’s been loads of articles in local newspapers and she’s been on telly and had an interview in “Just 17” magazine and she only got the part because of her face! Although she does have reasonable acting abilities, but no better than me, and I’m deadly jealous."
I have nothing to say on the subject of my near-stardom, however much you may beg.
Dave - it is very dangerous. I gave it up around February time. They are OK if they ironic but most people wouldn't know ironic if it crept up behind them and chewed their arse.
Megan - no. It was better than that.
Post a Comment