Tomorrow I am thirty-eight, which is OK as I only look about twenty-five in the face and have the breasts and thighs of a (very fucking good looking, like a young Christy Turlington for e.g.) twenty-year-old. In addition, my brain is still very sharp (despite the fact that I keep forgetting Marlon Brando's name), and I am still able to do quite complicated mental arithmetic and remember telephone numbers (although I am unable to remember my own postal code in Canada).
That means tomorrow holds no fear me. In fact, I am looking forward to being forty (in two years), as apparently that is when people take you really seriously and you start thinking about pensions, buying automatic cars and leaking if you go on a trampoline.
But I digress. I know there is not much time, but I know that you will all want to buy me a present or two. Here are the things I would like:
1. 5 x pairs extra-large Bodyshaper opaque tights from M&S (black)
2. 10 packs plain Hula-Hoops
3. 6 weeks' worth of The Observer Magazine
4. A 'mixed bag' of crap mags, e.g Grazia, Heat and/or Hello. (I don't like OK! It is vulgar.)
5. Hot meat pie
6. A car
7. To see all my friends for one night (but no more than one night as they are quite annoying)
8. Compilation CDs from at least five people I know
9. Cake (although it will be hard to beat the one I got last year!)
10. Fishfingers and peas
11. A couple of packets of Maldon sea salt
12. Some books that are good that I haven't read, that have happy endings.
I do not want much really, as (luckily!!!) I have pretty much everything I have ever wanted PLUS things I did not know I wanted (a spare stomach, a ladybird infestation, a spot on my left ear, the ability to roll my tongue in a way that makes grown men vomit, a delicious pathologist), but who am I to say 'no' to gifts of love from my adoring fans?
Pip pip!
NWM (aged 37 and 364 days)
PS I still haven't got a new can opener. Hint hint!
In other news: Why do some North Americans say "comm-poast" and "BAYsul"? I wish they would stop. Particularly with the "comm-poast" shit.
25 comments:
Happy birthday !
Is it wrong that I laugh at my own jokes, even if it means being rude to perfectly nice strangers?
the minute you start considering the moral & ethical implications of your statements/jokes is the minute you can consider yourself grown up.
i am surprised that an inappropriate fondling isn't on your birthday wishlist. i don't know quite what to make of this newly-displayed maturity.
lastly, while i agree on the BAYsul pronounciation, i don't quite know what to make of the compo(a)st.
Wot, no chewing gum?
Happy birthday, dear Monkey!
We don't say com-pahst because that's not the way it's spelled! You don't worry about remembering your pahstal code, do you?
You don't look a day over 14.
Yeah cheers for the birthday wish-es.
Re. compost. I got ears. SOME North Americans say compost different to me, who is English. Yeah? I heard them saying it on the radio and in the house I live in and in the street and the shop, and on the telly, so it must be true.
Jonny. do you want to touch me? Or my compoast?
Uh oh, I say "comm-poast" and "BAYsul" - perhaps we are not soul mates after all, Non-Working Monkey, although I, too, am non-working. More of the squirrel family, maybe...
monkey! we are practically twins! and yet still you will not visit my blog. what have i done? my birthday is next week. we could celebrate together.
with the one small difference that i was born in an entirely different decade from you.
happy birthday and i would be happy to send you a compilation CD. if only i knew where to send it.
S'alright, Spesh. I forgive you. At least you know you do it.
Laurie. How do you know I don't visit your blog? Happy birthday, near-twin.
so u think we should says bah sil?
n happy birthday 2 ya nwm...i would send ya a can opener, cos i no monkey chow is hard 2 come by in the gwnw(great white north west)
Happy Birthday. May all your cheeses be of the visible variety.
Please forgive our funny accents. We talked right when we first got off the boats, but then we met the Americans*.
P.S. - NWM is in the gwne. Sort of. Definitely not west.
*Apologies to any Americans reading. But you started it. Yes, you did. YES, YOU DID. Stop looking at me. MOM!!!!
On this your 38th Bithday,
These words are sent to wish,
That you'll have a great time,
Drinking bottles of wine
And hopefully not get too pished...
lurkshield on
oh.. and the typo was your pressie
Happy birthday on your actual birthday day which is today and now, or at least it is in the England. Is it is Canada? I am confused.
In any case, eat cheese and be merry.
Not for two years. Just in case.
Let me know what you don't get, and then I'll know what to give you for Christmas.
Oh! I'm a North American (or as my Brazilian friend expresses it, "an arsehole") so I can speak with authority! Ahem. We, down chere (which is NOT Canada) say kompoast and bAYzil (also alyewminnuhm and bigg mack) because we do not wish to have the crap beaten out of us for being poncy sissies.
Oh. We say, "Happppy Burrrrrthdaiii" too.
Sending a banana! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banana
Happy Birthday.
Here is your present - http://www.smartassglass.com/Monkey_hats_JPEG.jpg
No cakes this year I'm afraid. The Canada is too far. And anyway I didn't get enough advance warning.
Maybe I'll send you a sprig of baysul...
The worst, the very worst, transliteration, imo, is - via I don't know how many languages - British English, Italian, American English - is 'paw-sta'
Btw: I often sign off 'Pip, pip': did you get it from me, or did you get it from Wodehouse?
Wodehouse, probably; not that I can remember. Not you though. I've never read your blog, have I?
Oh, you must. :))
I am still getting over the sheer inspiration of discovering your own fine effort: and the practice of not working as a state of mind.
Mine is mostly about cats. And sitting in front of a computer much of the day (travel in the mind though).
PS: I trained as a copywriter (before rather quickly re-training as a content editor) so I related, oh how I related, to that 'this is a game, not work' sentiment on the yellow note. :))
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