Wherever I go outside Britain to speak English they do not understand me, even though I have a really normal English voice, like you get on the BBC when they are being a bit Estuarine. I now know this for a fact.
Coffee shop, Washington DC, Sunday
- Could I have a skinny cappuccino please, extra shot. Small. To go.
- Two grande skinny caps. $8.90.
- No, just one. Small. Extra shot.
- One grande skinny cap, double.
- No.
- Please speak more clearly, ma'am!
- Yes. Fine. That is what I want. A grande skinny cap, double.
- You shoulda said so more clearly, ma'am. We're short today.
- Yes.
- That'll be $4.40.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me?
Coffee shop, New York, sometime in April
- Mushroom omelette please with brown toast, if that's OK.
- White toast?
- Brown.
- Bagel? Toasted?
- No, brown toast. Wholemeal toast.
- Ma'am, you need to speak more clearly. Rye toast?
- Yes. That's fine.
Air Canada flight, Washington (DC) to Montreal, today
- Quelque chose à boire? Something to drink?
- Water please.
- Excuse me?
- Water, please.
- Excuse me?
- WATER. WATER, PLEASE.
- OJ?
- De l'eau, s'il vous plaît
- Oh. Water. (Like I am a mental.) Ice?
- No thank you.
- Excuse me?
Lady next to me She doesn't want ice. Looks at me with pity in her kind Canadian eyes. That right?
- Yes. Thank you.
I am blushing furiously for I do not like fuss. I do not want the water anymore, and I definitely do not want the stupid rice crackers they give us, particularly when I realise they are not in the shape of maple leaves. When I get off the plane, the air hostess says "Merci et au revoir" in a sarcastic way, even though she knows I am English and has said "Thank you and goodbye" to the person in front of me.
I feel like I have something wrong, when I have not. I have just been talking with an English accent, but no-one understands me anywhere, not even in America where they speak English, or in Canada on an aeroplane.
I am not a cock so I know that all the Englishes are different, but it still makes me feel a bit sad, like $8 Marmite in Dean and Deluca, or the label on the Turner in the National Gallery in Washington that read: "On Loan from the Tate Gallery, London", or having to explain who Keith Chegwin is and knowing, absolutely, that nothing I can say will ever properly explain him, not really.
25 comments:
You have my utmost sympathy, as I am told on a daily basis by our colonial and ex-colonial inhabitants that I have an AX-CENT.
No. I speak the Queen's English, though more accurately than her maj since I would never say "different than" in private, never mind in my annual televised message to my people.
RP is, apparently, a mystery to most.
Ah the bitter sweet pleasure of being an ex-pat. Not to worry when you get older like what I am (+4) you can return to England with your pathologist and take up composting whilst listening to radio 4. I never liked that passive aggressive thing the Americans have with their please/thank-yous/sirs and ma'ams, this comes from a lack of expectation of casual fisticuffs; on the plus side there is less road rage due to the fact that everyone has assault weaponry in their SUVs - swings and roundabouts!
Oh Monkey. Never mind. Soon it will become second nature and just like Proper Home and you will be dousing everything on your plate with maple syrup and fruit and laughing maniacally when your tall, red-headed legal friends from London come to stay in your house and end up lolling by your pool all the time because they can't make themselves understood in the local shops. For example.
Aw, NWM. First of all, please and thank you isn't ALWAYS passive-aggressive, so please don't be put off completely. Secondly, I've never met anyone with a weapon in their SUV, and I, as you know, originally hail from the Americas.
Thirdly, hmm. Yes. Even I, when I go over there now, am often mistaken for an English person, but it must be just enough so that they can understand me. On second thoughts, it now occurs to me that a couple of times in coffee shops this summer my sister did have to cut in and order my food for me... Hmm again.
On the other hand, I used to go back in my twenties with my then not-yet-ex, and basically I had to vie for his attention with every waitress in the land! "Oh," they'd gush, holding their pens at a perky angle over their pads. "Your accent is so cute!" He'd be lap it up in a typically English, self-effacing way. "Are you from London ENGLAND?" they'd say, making ready to jump into his lap.
On the other hand, you do speak French, right, so maybe so for that while your vowels adjust to the jet lag...
Dear NWM, do not take it to heart. I am still in the United Kingdom, and people hardly ever understand what I am saying. I think your best recourse is to get more British with each time they claim not to understand. That'll learn them.
hey, monkey--
when i was a teenager i traveled from my parents' home in duluth, minnesota, which is practically canada but not exactly, and visited my cousins in las vegas, nevada, which is practically hell, but not precisely.
from their back yard you could see sunrise mountain, so i said it would be fun to watch the sun come up some morning over the mountain. that did it --that word, mountain.
for the rest of my visit, my evil gambling sin-soaked cousins gathered around me and demanded that i say the word "mountain." and then they would go off into gales of laughter.
you sound like a canadian! they'd gasp between roars of laughter.
true, they could understand me, but they, too, thought i had an ax-cent.
and this was my own country! my own people! my own kin!
RP *IS* AN AX-CCENT.
Albeit one of the less appealing ones.
(Sorry. It's something that I get a bit wound up about)
I spent a happy afternoon once trying to teach a brit friend to say water the 'mercan way. (I was asked! I did not impose - just wanted to make that clear). It basically went like:
'im: Waaaaaaahhhh...tuh
me: WahteRRRRR
'im: WAAAAAAAAHH - tuh
me: voooooodka
That means I can add communications specialist to my cv and demand a raise.
Oh Monkey, do not worry. I live in the City of New York that was once the New Amsterdam, and speak English learned in Philadelphia, yet on a daily basis have at least one communication meltdown. In fact, just this morning:
Me: Hi, yes, could I please have an everything bagel, light on the cream cheese?
Him: Sesame bagel?
Me: No, everything; cream cheese.
Him: Raisin?
Now granted he was clearly not a native of this continent, but my order was not difficult, and I did not ask for "wurder" in my Philadelphia accent, which is often confusing as I am told the word is, in fact, "water."
Don't repeat yourself.
Give them the "impatient with you idiots" look and put your hand out in expectation of compliance with your request. You must raise your chin and look down your nose for this to be effective.
I found out here in the Wild West that it's not so much the way you say the words but more the order in which you say them. I got really frustrated with people when I first moved here, but when I realized what an amazing effect an English accent has on some of the ladies I really started to ham it up...you should hear me on the phone sometimes, I sound like a proper little James Bond. And by that I do mean a pretentious twat, they love it.
Aw, poor NWM.
Maybe this will cheer you up...from 1:36 on.
Come on, you can do accents - why not roll with it and talk like a Mercan. You might end up sounding like Katherine Hepburn, but that could be an advantage.
Or, alternatively, why not ask firmly, loudly, but politely: "Excuse me, does anyone speak English here?"?
Now I come to think of it, you do speak very quickly sometimes, so it might be too much for their tiny brains.
So why not speak very slowly in a Cary Grant accent? They used to be able to understand him, and I believe he came from Bristol.
When I read this I thought about Flight of the Conchords.
At 1:06 is the accent confusion.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0yjOpemWcqU
This one is also along the same lines...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zs_rXxi0zhM
Cheer up!
I've totally given up asking for water in the plane.
I guess I learned the British pronunciation of it, but that I can't hide a hint of French... anyway when I ask for water in a restaurant, they perfectly understand me (maybe because it's preceded by "just" and followed by "no ice, please"), but in the plane, there's no way they can understand my pronunciation of "water".
I usually order the same thing as my neighbour. "I'll have the same, actually seems to be understandable.
England's shit. You kow that feeling when Bullseye used to come on the tele-vision of a Sunday? You'll never have that again. Rejoice.
Anon 1 – RP is an accent too, isn’t it? (Beth, I agree). Are you posh?
DIY – older than four? So I should hope! Are you a child prodigy? Happily, I can listen to Radio 4 from here (on the internets) and it was agreed earlier today that the Compost Experiment was not working (although I shall try again next year). Canada people do not do that thing with the please and thank you in a way they don’t mean, as far as I know, and I think some of the American people meant it when they said ‘thank you’. When I like Americans I like them more than almost any other type of person; also I find funny Americans and Canadians funnier than funny English people, despite the cultural reference stuff. But that’s another thing.)
Katy – if you loll in winter you will die. I am just saying. However, the sofas are comfortable, and they are by the fire. Truth.
Ms B – when I was quite young, i.e. twenty years ago, I lived in New York (City) for a few months, and there, I told some of the people I worked with that I was the cousin of Sarah Ferguson. They believed me, but then why shouldn’t they? Yes I do sort of speak French but not Quebecois French which is quite difficult to understand if on local bus going to local shop with local people.
Ms T - But then I would get nothing done, and that would be bad.
Laurie – an excellent and heartening story, for which I thank you.
Beth – see above.
Megan – I would buy you a bottle were you here.
Sarah – also excellent and heartening, as well as being funny! I am delighted.
Jali – But then I wouldn’t get my stuff, and I would get all low blood-sugary and kill someone, and then I would blame you and I would be in prison, and it would be your fault.
Tim (m) – women do, the shallow whores. Maybe I just sound like an idiot which would be fair, for I am an idiot.
Asta - now you see why it is useful to know who Keith Chegwin is! Also, you found the thing which set me to thinking about it in the first place. Hoorah!
MM – I’m an advertising man, not a red herring.
Anon 2 – I am saving that until later, for Flight of the Conchords makes me laugh so much I spurt, and I am wearing new tweeds.
Chloe - Sweet heaven, how you soothe me. (Also, I have not forgotten your traffic light people.)
TD – suck my fat one.
Gah. I apologize for my fellow North Americans. Some people are just eejits.
When I go to the US, I get asked if I am English. When I go to England, I get asked if I am American.
And the last time I tried to talk to someone from the Deep South (of the US) I believe smoke came out of their ears because I talk too fast by half for them to understand.
Next time you want water or some such, ask for it in at least 3 languages, sounding more incredulous at their lack of comprehensive each time. This way you will establish that while you are quite articulate, literate and multi-lingual, they are a horse's behind.
The other solution might be to secure a small container of barley water securely in your fez at all times for just such situations.
Ensure it's securely securely fastened.
I just wanted to make that clear.
Time for me to cut back on the absinthe, innit?
NWM - you talk fast, and you mostly talk sense. Always going to be a challenge for some of our American cousins.
I had a similarly frustrating experience in Boston, trying to explain Richard Stilgoe to some Americans...can't exactly remember why...
Ah, but these are the challenges we have designed for ourselves, isn't it?
I have my complaints too.
I was born in the top of Texas, and when I moved to near the Mexico border, they thought I was English (maybe something to do with my grandmother being English).
When I lived in London they were well sure I was Southern. ...and here now in Swissland I can make the monger fall out with my pronunciation of "zwei fisches, bitte". But thankfully he laughs instead of throwing the fish at me; I must remember to be grateful.
I think English accents are brilliant I don't think you should change an inflection.
If I were you I would gravitate to the halls of higher learning, even if just to hang out. They usually EAT UP a good accent at those places. Hang in there Monkey.
I have nothing to add to any of these comments! It is a delight. (Except, CB, what do you mean by 'mostly'?)
- Please speak more clearly, ma'am!
Can you imagine the furore in politically correct Britain if someone dared to ask someone (for whom English is not their first language and who has a difficult-to-understand accent) to speak more clearly?
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