I return, exhausted, from seeing a lady called Bat For Lashes perform at a 'venue' in Canada's fashionable Montréal.
In her band were three young women, all of whom will be completing their 'A' Levels at Cheltenham Ladies' College next summer; they played their many instruments impassively, but with enormous skill. Upstairs, a 'house club' played some 'banging choons'. The lady kept on singing.
Still. I digress. Lurking in the middle of the crowd (of approximately one hundred) I was reminded, yet again, of matters of 'gig etiquette'.
Tall people
Do us all a favour and fuck off to the back of the room, particularly if it is small and on one level (rather than at a gradient like, for e.g., Brixton Academy)
Do not wear a hat. It adds another foot to your height. It also makes you look like a cock.
Do not dance by swaying like a drunken sunflower.
Short people
Whatever Randy Newman said, you are OK by me. Do by all means slip up the front so you can see, but do not (I beg you!) pipe on so. (E.g. "Can I get through please thank you I can't quite see ha ha ha ha".)
Talking
Usually, people go to music concerts to listen to music. They do not want to hear you talking. If you want to talk, go outside where, with any luck, you will be run over by a renegade bus that has been hijacked by pesky teens.
Strangely, last night the only culprits were some English people who were talking about, in no particular order:
- the Spitting Image puppet of Norman Lamont
- where to get a smaller-fit cockring
- Canadian beer
- whether the music was "good" or not.*
Talking is particularly bad when you are 5 feet from the chanteuse who will be able to hear you talking about her in the following style:
"Yeah, I know what you mean, Mike, but I'd definitely have a go, mate, wouldn't you?"
Pushing
No.
Dancing
Dance into me and I will slap you.
Drinking
For the gentlemen
If you are going to carry pints of lager beer through the crowd over your head whilst going "excuse me excuse me sorry sorry sorry don't move sorry", please be aware that a) if you tell me not to move, I will move; and b) if you spill the beer on me, I will poke you in the eyes with my two fingers.
For the ladies
If you are short and pushing through in a passive-aggressive way whilst carrying many drinks for your fuckwitted friends (in order to then stand in a circle talking about who said what to whom whilst Bjork is doing Come To Me), I will set your GHD-straightened hair on fire.
Yes.
* Really, this is the worst. If you do not like it, leave. Also, you have no right to an opinion unless you are St John of the Peel, and he is dead, which is very sad (still).
You are particularly not allowed to have an opinion if:
- You are Paul Morley, Paul Ross, Tim "Dad's A Bishop, Westsiiiiiiiiide" Westwood or Tony Parsons
- You have just 'discovered' James Morrisson and Paulo Nutini
- You have seen/are going to see The Police this year.
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18 comments:
NWM - i am outraged by your heightist remarks.
Yeah, but you wouldn't stand at the front waving around like a drunken sunflower, would you?
There, you got that off your chest and I hope you feel better now, because I feel the same way and somebody had to say it! I feel better!
At last, my work is done. You have learned all I had to impart. I can now go out into the snow a happy and fulfilled woman.
P.S. Do ask Runningmonkey about his experience at the Nigerian embassy. Worth at least a paragraph.
You know what I like?
CDs. At home. Yes.
One of my biggest peeves, people who talk at concerts. I mean loud, unending conversations about everything BUT the actual concert. The last time I went to see my beloved Blue Rodeo, I had the incredible bad luck to sit in front of three people who found it necessary to talk OVER the music. I looked around at the several thousand other people there and could see and no one within visual range talking. They might be singing along a bit, maybe making the odd comment or two, but no non-stop, "Yap yap yapping!" as far as the eye could see except for the three twits directly behind me.
Why on earth they didn't just save the price of the ticket and stay home and play a BR CD, I don't know.
for the love of sanity do not under any circumstances voluntarily pay to see a concert at the bell center. even for a hockey arena, it has the poorest acoustics of any building i have ever been in - and i've been to quite a few.
aside from the awful acoustics, the beer/peanut vendors don't stop circulating in the stands during the concert/intermission.
I love it when you are a music elitist. :)
I agree so much that I am bursting with empathy.
I have a friend who helps run a fetish night called Lash for Lasses.
Is singing along OK?
And not just in the parts when the singer extends the microphone toward the audience to see how good Bradford* sings. I mean singing along to everything.
* that's a city that a band might be singing in
Sweet Irene - I feel freer about the knickers.
Walter - depends a) what you are singing; b) if you can sing; c) how near you are singing to me. On the whole I would say 'no', although there is something highly entertaining about watching people hypnotised by the 'beats' and mutely mouthing along with tears glistening in their strange eyes. (Particularly good at for e.g. a 'thrash metal' concert, I would think!!)
Clare - Ah!
Beth - praise indeed, my friend. (Truth.)
Katy - yeah but there's nothing like the ... yes. Yes.
Ani - I am not an elitist; I am right-thinking. Fact. (But thank you.)
Kermit - OK. (Do you really live by the baldy man, by the way?)
Dawn - will I like Blue Rodeo, bearing in mind I like Radiohead, but also Aretha Franklin?
MM - you cannot take credit for that too. I have only ever been to one 'gig' with you and that was Stevie Wonder, c. 1902. Unless you could Depeche Mode at the Hammersmith Odeon with Kate, c. 1984.
... And, the toilets!
Usually only three per 3,000 wimmin' And, if people don't want to sit on the seat, then put the fuckker up, don't pee all over it!
ooh, I feel better now, too.
Thank you.
unfortunately yes
There is no link from Traffic Light People back to this blog! And while we're about it the link from this blog to there could do with being more prominent, too.
This message was brought to you by Friendly Meddlers, Inc.
Put a link up. It looks shit though, let's face it. And anyway, no-one looks at my blog(s) anyway so it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
PS good point. Thanks.
Music being as subjective a matter as it is, it's hard to tell if you'd like Blue Rodeo or not.
Have a listen and let us know.
Ha I wrote something nearly the same last week following a packed and hot gig here in Dublin.
Only, eh, I ranted much more than you. But I have the same points about tall people, short people, a very pushy and aggressive woman who caused a parting of the crowd as she barged her way through, and those talking...
Anyway if you fancy reading a grumpy old woman's post on this, you can see it here http://www.tiny.cc/8OkDc
Thanks for the laugh, I dont think we should ever go to a gig together, there'd be killin's ;)
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