Suddenly I am back in Amsterdam, in a bar, in February, with my brother, having a conversation with a man with very stupid hair.
Me/my brother: Where do you live?
Him: Williamsburg. It's like the Shoreditch of New York.
Silence.
Me/My brother: The Shoreditch of New York?
Him: Yeah.
We do not know what to say. It is possible that this man is in fact King Twatty of the Twats.
Me/My brother: Do you miss England then?
Him: No. I love English things. I just don't want to live there.
My brother and I ("Cunting hell, did you see his cunting hair? Cunt.") thought that the man with the hair was a fool, but we agreed about the English things. It is true, you see: England is full of lots of very excellent English things, and some English people (the ones who are not twats) are really very excellent. (For example, I am an English person and I am excellent. I am also self-deprecating, which is a feature of the English that makes them excellent.)
To celebrate the return of my good mood and my ability to see the good things in England (Marmite, Radio 4, the fact that we really ARE very funny and usually quite nice), I have decided to launch a new Special Theme. It is called "Top Tips". Inspired by Asta, who commented on my last miserable post, I would like to start with her own (excellent) tip for deterring the Moth, and look forward to having any other ones that my loyal readers (and new fans) might like to send in. I will then make them into a special permanent feature in the sidebar and it will be really good!
Moth Repellent from Asta
"Try scented soaps in plastic bags with little vents cut in for the smell to fill the container. Then you can pick a scent that you won't mind wearing."
Isn't it good?
Grease On Porous Wood (Me. Can't remember where I got it from.)
Mix a paste from Meths and talcum powder. Let it dry. Chip it off. It will have taken out the mark. Fact. (You will also be off your tits, but never mind.)
(If you want to take grease out of cotton and linen, rub on a bit of washing up liquid before putting it in the washing machine. It will work. Fact.)
Sausage Cooking (from a magazine on a train c. 1988)
"Boil your sausages before grilling or frying - and you'll cut your cooking time in half!"
I would rather eat my own eyes than do this, but if you have ever worried about how long your sausages take to cook, this may help. (Interestingly, apparently sausagemeat actually cooks through in under 5 minutes, but I am not entirely sure I believe that.)
Come on then! What you got? Show me! A packet of cedar mothballs for the winner (If I can find them anywhere).
22 comments:
Vodka removes permanent marker from latex clothing.
I haven't got any new tips. But allow me to offer my own alternatives to your tip list so far:
Moth Repellent by Katy
Using a cocktail stick, affix a tiny, thumbnail-sized sign reading "Fuck Off Moths" to potentially vulnerable clothing.
Grease on Porous Wood by Katy again
Apply small tasteful doily.
Sausage Cooking still by Katy
Either you want the sausage badly enough to wait for ten minutes whilst it cooks properly or you don't.
I thank you.
PS Cat, man!
Cover your feet in moisturiser and then put on cotton socks and then go to bed. When you wake up your feet will be soft like a kitten what has been tumble dried. I usually do it at night but I guess it would work any time of day.
Cooking with a pressure cooker by Mr Farty
Put some water in before you close the lid. This prevents the food from burning onto the inside of the pressure cooker and making a godawful smell.
I for one agree with the sausage advice, as I have done it many times and can attest to its superior sausage cooking; also, the method was given to me by a professional sausageperson.
Jack - thank fuck. I had wondered.
Katy - I salute you.
Aber - I am keen to be frank. I recently had a very strange 'pedicure' from a blind Dutch midgetlady, and my feet - which like attention now and then - would like to be soft like a tumbled kitten. I know this for a fact.
Farty - for once, quite funny!
J-Boy - you lie like a cheap rug.
for the cedar mothballs, did you try craft stores (ones that sell scrap-booking material and glitter and so forth)? there must be a home improvement store/lumber store where you can just buy cedar planks. if they've only got big planks, they'll be only too happy to cut them into smaller pieces that will fit in your dresser drawers.
I have a feeling all these cedar moth-repellent tips only work for moths that aren't there yet, right?
Here's a tip that might be useful for people with babies. How to get banana stains out: put the bib or other offending item in the bottom of the bath, stains up. From a height, pour boiling water from a kettle over the stains. It will loosen the banana fibres and they will come out. Fact.
Sorry, that is my best tip. Aside from storing your coffee in the freezer so it won't go stale.
My other tip, gleaned from my recent months of enforced fat-free cooking, is that onions etc cook just as well in wine as they do in butter...
Ironing tip:
Don't do any ironing. You'll save so much time and will be able to reclaim part of your life.
Totally agree about ironing utterly pointless.
My tip :
If you are writing on a whiteboard and suddenly find you have been given a permanent marker even though you were assured it wasn't, you can remove it by first scribbling over the writing with the non-permanent marker you ought to have been given in the first place and then rubbing. May take a couple of goes but it works.
Actually, I do have a tip, which I have really only picked up over the last seven days.
Weight loss.
Contract a vile stomach bug that renders you unable to eat anything at all for three to four days.
Recover, only to find that eating pretty much anything at all immediately causes you to revert to the first three to four days.
Repeat until you are dead. And thin, though.
Accident Prone People! When you burn your fingers due to your clumsiness, very quickly hold them to your earlobe. The pain and burn will magically go away.
(nb left or right lobe is immaterial)
(nnb in case of more serious/widespread burns hospital treatment should be sought immediately)
I haven't read everyone's no doubt excellent ideas yet, but I shall go to Intermarché tomorrow and buy cedarwood balls and dispatch asap. Do not get horrid stinky mothballs.
I also regret to tell you that to avoid the moth problem, it is best to put everything away washed or drycleaned. They only like tasty bits.
Re Twat: Williamsburg? Isn't that the heritage place with tasteful paint colours named after it and people prancing around in 18th century costumes? Like Shoreditch?!
This post leads me to fear that you will go to Canada and blog Jam making, quilting and knitting...say it aint so.
Apparently King Twat is a king among many kings - google williamsburg and shoreditch together, and you'll find a whole slew of twats comparing one to the other (and one imploring Al Qaeda to bomb both to smithereens).
Stunning work, my friends. New post to come soon summarising this and some really good advice I have also received from readers via email! It is great.
(Also if you do what J-Boy suggests this actually happens. Fact.)
Clumsy bastards!
Install doorknobs rather than door handles in your house. This will prevent you from sustaining multiple injuries to the forearms from bashing them on the pokey bit of the handle, or attaching yourself to the handle when wearing long sleeves and wondering why your forward progress is hampered.
(Is this just me?)
Hot news! Was able to buy cedar moth cubes!
So much easier to post.
Red wine drinkers (all of you, surely)
When spilt on white clothes, mix a solution with baby bleach and water and put your white clothes in it. For a while. They are white again after. Mostly. Apart from if you fall asleep holding wine and pour a whole glass down your front.
Hot tip: when you have guests arriving v.v. shortly, and you notice the bathroom is its usual stinky mess, with no time to get out the cif, don't chuck the face flannel (his, of course) that you've used down the toilet.
It blocks the system.
(I believe.)
White clothes wearers: stop it! It's September now.
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