I am in a car being driven to the airport by a tiny taxi driver called Ralph. "What are these, Ralph?", I say, wiggling my tiny little monkey hand about in his rear seat sweet pouch. "They are candies!", says Ralph."Can I have one?", I ask respectfully. My mouth tastes like the inside of a Lufthansa aeroplane and my head hurts. "Sure, but you won't like it!", yelps Ralph, accelerating past a tricycle and tapping out an email on his SatNav/DVD combo console.
"It's a sweet, Ralph. Of course I will like it."
Ralph laughs and puts on his favourite CD, which is Clocks, performed by popular singer Chris Martin and the Buena Vista Social Club. I put the sweet in my mouth.
But what is this? It is not sweet! It is salty, but not like liquorice is salty (when it is salty liquorice); and then suddenly it is mildly caramel-y! I relax immediately; it is definitely a sweet. I look out of the window and watch the cheese factories slide past.
Ralph is looking at me in the rear view mirror. "You still like the candysweet?".
Suddenly something very bad happens. It is like the sweet has started bleeding in my mouth. Salty stuff is gushing out of it. The harder I suck, the more salty stuff gushes out. Even though the sweet is the size of, say, two of the orange ones in a packet of Revels, it has produced enough salty blood to fill a large pouch.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Ralph!", I bellow, brine shooting from my every orifice. "What is this shit?"
"It's a special Dutch surprise!", says Ralph, who is laughing so much he has knocked four people off their bicycles. "You like it?"
For some time I remain silent as I try and work out the sweets. The one in my mouth goes sweet for a while, and then the saline gush comes again. It is very strange.
Suddenly everything is clear! I sit up straight on Ralph's leather seating. "Are these JOKE SWEETS?", I bark, a light sweat coating my brow. "No!", says Ralph. "They are Dutch speciality. Also you can get them in fizzy lemons, and surprising strawberry flavour. But I like these ones best, the salty surprises! And what do you mean joke sweets? I do not find this kind of joke funny. But some of your English humour I like, for example Benny H ...."
The sweet gives out its last salty spurt, and dissolves away to nothing.
18 comments:
You know when you do a big unexpected laugh that is so unexpected that you have no time to actually open your mouth with the result that an unseemly amount of discharge escapes from your nose?
You have just made me snot myself.
Thank fook it wasn't Spring Surprise.
Those Dutch, eh?
Yuerk! I thought you'd accidently stepped into the jungle for 'I'm a celebrity B lister, get me art of 'ere!' and that it was a bug or summat.
I didn't laught like that weird, tired dad, I just puckered up my face, ready to pu.. be sick.
Yuerk! again.
"...gives out its last salty spurt, and dissolves away to nothing"
Are you turning this into a sex blog or something?
TD - I salute you.
Mr F - What are you talking about?
T&C - phew!
Philip - no, but it is quite obvious that I could, don't you thiink?
I'm not a euphemist, but I would say that you could.
"The harder I suck, the more salty stuff gushes out."
is that how it works? i'll try sucking harder next time...
I must say, you're all awfully quick this afternoon!
Quick as a Dutch Gusher, I say.
Dirty.
PS What is a dutch gusher?
Ah those clever Dutch, sex bomb lozenges eh, what will they have us putting in our mouths next.
Beats a gobstopper right enough.
PS What is a dutch gusher?
Hmm, dunno.
But it is quite dirty, yes ?
Dirtier than a Dutch Oven?
greatmonkeygrandmother had a Dutch pot.
This was the snotting-myself bit for me: "laughing so much he has knocked four people off their bicycles."
You are ace.
J-boy. Probably.
Clare - evil!
MM - very strong work, if you don't mind me saying. Have you still got it?
The Dutch are an odd folk.
I thought I gave the big one to you .....
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