Friday, July 20, 2007

Day 373: I Do Not Have To Be Mad To Work Here, But It Helps

I am back in Amsterdam, in the office. It is raining in a slightly apathetic way; the room is too hot and smells of drains, poodles and cheap cologne. I am muttering to myself; as usual, my compaints consist of a combination of the following:

1. Cretins are everywhere
2. I do not expect to ask for the same thing twice
3. Idiots
4. Why doesn't it work
5. Fools
6. Why the fuck do I have to use next door's WiFi?
7. Why do I have to do this thing?
8. Why is this broken?
9. Why has that person done that stupid thing?
10. Why does nothing work?

The person sitting next to me - a giant of a man, with a poodle and enormous hands the size of the moon - is looking at me in the irritating way that he has when I am cross and tired. He thinks it will make me laugh; it never does. But this time, he goes too far.

Giant: You know what you need?
Me: (Theatrical sigh.) No. What?
Giant: A sign that says "You Don't Have To Be Mad To Work Here, But It Helps".
Me: Are you joking? Tell me you are joking.
Giant: I'm not joking.

Some time later, I am sticking car advertisements on the wall. They are all red or blue, unless they are expensive cars, in which case they are silver. Some young creative types - one of whom is wearing an orange hat - are lolling on the floor.

Hatboy: If you leave, it will be bad.
Me: Why? I thought you thought I was weird.
Hatboy: No. YOU aren't mad. You being here? You're like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

I should point out that this is the same person who once described me as prime meat but still, he made me feel better for a while.


Pants said...

As long as you're not wearing a woolly hat you probably have nothing to worry about.




I am wearing what I hear is called a 'fascination', which alarms me! Have YOU heard of this expression, or did I imagine it?

Anonymous said...

A fascinaTOR, n'est ce pas? You chic thing, you.

Anonymous said...

Fascinator as in feathers? You should wear that to work.


Oh yes that's it. I'm rather glad I didn't know what it was called. I think I shouted WHAT'S IT FUCKING CALLED? when I was told what it was. Rather unsuitable as it goes, as I was at a wedding full of people wearing them, and you can imagine what sort of people THEY were.

(By the way, why is it called a fascinator? Sounds like something you fluff a horse with.)

Anonymous said...

you need a chart on the wall with tick boxes for: insubordination and bearer of shorts. That's what you need.

Sophie said...

You could make a sign for work that says: "You DO have to be mad to work here, and it does NOT help in the slightest". Much more honest, if my memory of office life is anything to go on!


Blog Widget by LinkWithin