It is quite ghastly, this thing of being asked what one does, as if it is important. (It isn't, unless one is a doctor and someone is having a heart attack on an aeroplane.)
"And what do you do?", people ask each other glassily at parties whilst dissolving Wotsits under their tongues. "Oh, you know, sleep, read, do stuff, go to work, cook, bicycle about the place. And you?", I usually reply, looking over their shoulder and cleaning my ear with a pencil. They are no more interested in how I earn money than I am in their children's education, or the weather, or house prices in the South East, but we will talk until one of us finds an excuse to leave, and hope that we never see each other again.
What I "do" at the moment is something I used to do five years ago, but in a freelance format-style - at least for the next two weeks. It is pleasant enough and the days pass nicely, as long as I remember to pretend to be partially deaf for a great part of each day, spend long hours making soup and aim low in all that I do.
Tragically, however, I am a High-Church Protestant Atheist, which means that no amount of "You are a not in permanent employment" (muttered to myself whilst writing invoices), can stop me from trying to do the right thing. Tragically, this can lead to an unfortunate state known as "giving a shit", which is not something one wants to do when working in a freestyle freelance-format.
Still, I digress. The issue of what I will "do" is becoming ever-more pressing, as later this year I hope to move to the Canada to investigate the actual living state of sharing a home-space with a pathologist and, until issues of visas, work permits, employment, length of stay (possibilities include "a very long time, up to and including Permanently and/or Forever"), and other such details are resolved, I need what they call "financial security", otherwise known as enough money to buy hats and crisps without having to worry too much.
And so I must work a little longer. But what shall I do? So far, the list of options includes (in order of likelihood):
1. Make jam
2. Adopt abandoned horses and/or donkeys
3. More freelance freestyle marketing or advertising-type work
4. Marketing in a digital style (but in real life)
5. Make apple juice infused with ginseng (inc. hand-drawn labels)
6. Join the Cirque du Soleil in the role of Chief Ringmaster Dwarf
7. Become a hairdresser
8. Host own daytime television show on BBC4 with Bamber Gasgoyne
9. Write for money.
Anyone got any ideas?
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24 comments:
*Pitches idea for Jam-making With Bamber to controller of Channel 4*
(Gascoigne, not Jeremy)
I think being a hairdresser would be very cool. Just think of all the information about holidays you could garner. And I bet you love Radio 2.
oh yeah - I was just updating my blogroll and realised you'd fell off it. Have added you again.
Had you considered looking for a grinder and his organ?
Had you considered looking for a grinder and his organ?
ooh - never done that before. I really didn't think it was such a good idea that it warranted repeating but I don't think I can delete it.
How exciting that you are going to investigate the Canada option! But this means I may not see you again :(
I hate the ghastly "what do you do?" question too, mainly because what I do is so utterly tedious and worthless that just thinking about it sends me into a stupor, let alone the listener.
I too am considering my future money-earning options, now that I have a medical condition, but for the moment I am enjoying non-working.
I'll shut up now.
I favour the apple juice and ginseng idea in your spare time and suggest you ought to spend the rest of your hours writing for money.
you should come and have a coffee with me in London tarn before you fly to the beaver country.
You're coming to Canada?? How exciting!
Whereabouts? I vaguely recall seeing Montreal somewhere but I can't remember if it was here.
If it is Montreal... lucky. Love that city.
Sarah - I am coming to Canada for another visit. And then possibly a longer one. And then possibly an even longer one. I exagerrate (can't spell it) for comic and dramatic effect, for the truth is I need to work to pay my mortgage and bills and haircuts, not just finance trips to Montreal (and its environs)! But that sounds mundane, and I have a fear of seeming humdrum. I am very shallow, you see.
Jam. It's got to be jam. Everyone loves it and no one ever gets tired of it. I have never once met a homeless person who used to make jam. Fact.
Katy Lady, I fear you may be right.
Anx - I will be forced to visit "Europe" (as I rather pretentiously said a few days ago) more often that might otherwise be normal. And anyway, I believe I am some time off emigrating for good! I could come and visit you and bring you things to distract you from your medical condition. (I still can't believe that happened by the way...)
Andre - see above! It is some time away, and if it all works out, I am going to Canada, not Saturn!!!!
MM - get off the bloody absinthe. JESUS.
Vincent - I've just exploded with excitement.
Julia - I am strictly a Radio 4 person! this fact notwithstanding, I thank you for re-linking me and now predict that my site traffic will double, i.e. go up from 2 to 4 per day.
Jude - sorry - missed you out there. I also am pro ginseng-juice (and eco cabins and longboats, but that's another story). I would indeed write for money if I thought anyone would pay me. Saw very sensible friend last night who said "write 400 words every day", which I will do. If I don't worry about it being 'important' or 'meaningful' (or actually good, or splet properly), I may have a chance.
The beauty is that what happens at work is far, far funnier than anything I ever write about on this blog, and I am storing it away in my tiny mind for future reference, or indeed as the basis of a sitcom to be aired on ITV.com.
Open Monkey Towers as a gallery which showcases photos of biscuits and coffee and small wooden lodges to house beavers? Then serve apple juice and ginseng to the paying visitors?
Ginseng Jam and psychadelic haircuts. That's where it's at. The WI will snap you up in a snip and your life will be forever fullsome.
If I had spoken to my Mother like that ................
I think H might have the answer, and then you could sell copies of your self-published, deathless (and amusing) prose next to the jam and apple juice.
Get a f*****g job!
Tee-hee.
The sun's out, I'm not working, tra-laa
xx
Dwarf! Dwarf!
Write! Bloody Write woman!
At least 400 words each day. Then you can make jam and anything ginseng-ily in your spare time.
H is definitely onto something. It would give you an excuse to buy that Classic Cock statue. As a conversation piece, obv.
NWM surely it has to be a coffee table book of your photos of coffee
Ugh, you have such a glamorous life. New York, Canada, a pathologist.. I'm jealous.
I think you should 'do' what you like to do. I guess you can't just make soup all day and then eat it? That would be brilliant. But I hear there's no money in it. Too bad.
I am going for the ginseng/jam/writing style combination. 'Business' is silly, and for fools. As any fule kno.
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