Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Day 217: I Wish I Had Baked Some Heart-Shaped Biscuits And Iced Them With My Monkey Hands

As a rule, I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. For some years, I faced the disappointment of finding out that the only card I had received was in fact from Monkeymother. One year, even those ones stopped coming.

Year after year I contrived to be single on the 14th of February, or in a 'special friendship' with a gentleman caller who would either be destitute or object to Valentine's Day "on principle" (the principle being that he was a tight mofo who didn't really like me that much). I stopped thinking about it in the end, and would look out of the window smoking a small clay pipe, whilst others scurried about with bunches of garage carnations and hope in their hearts.

But on Saturday I despatched a small parcel to the Colonies. It will arrive late and will not be quite the thing, for it is a bit Obvious and very Sheepish. And now, too late, I find a splendid website containing instructions on how to make these splendid biscuits. (Don't ignore the arrow.)

Oh, what fun I could have had! They would have been just the ticket: made with my very own monkey hands, delicious to eat and sent in an enormous box via Federal Express, or perhaps the United Parcel Service!

But there is one important change that I would have made. I am an English monkey and I quite like words, therefore I would have varied my messages and made them a bit more reserved, as it were. I would have swirled personal messages like "I Quite Like You", "Give Us A Squeeze", "You Are Speshiul", "Fancy A Game Of Scrabble?", "You're Alright, You Are" and "Do You Mind If I Hold Your Hand?" across the surface of my biscuits in a range of differently-coloured icings!

But it is too late for biscuits. I cannot get them to the colonies by tomorrow, even if I mount a plane and fly them there myself. I will therefore have to hope that the butter, sugar and flour-based thought will count, and perhaps I can make them another day, when there is no real reason for them. I think that would make them EVEN BETTER.


Mr Farty said...

I can taste those Valentine Cookies from here, yum! That monkey is really talented too. Wonder if the temperatures are in F or C?

Jealous? Me? Yes. I'll have to give serious thought to posting my World-Famous Banoffee Pie Recipe on the Interweb with pictures and that.

Do monkeys like bananas?


Jeanous of what? Do not post your recipe on my blog, for I hate banoffee pie. I quite like bananas, but not that much. They're OK on porridge though, I suppose.

hi!monkey said...

the temperature is 325 degrees f or about 160 c

non-workinmonkey, anyone can remember to make tasty biscuits, buy yummy chocolates, purchase cards, write poetry and give fancy flowers on valentines day, it's surprising someone with those things for no reason at all on other days that really says i love you. (or i quite fancy you, if you are not bold)

Anonymous said...

Definitely better for no reason.

I like your non-committed biscuit idea though. I can imagine them now. Not quite heart shaped as that would be too forward and things like "alright mate" and "hmmm you're ok"
or "wotcha" written on them in an emotionally ambiguous coloured icing. Great idea!!!!

They'd catch on here in the UK.

Day in bed said...

I love the monkey's commentary.

I had an idea: as you and your Canadian friend seem to enjoy scrabble, you should bake a batch of square cookies and use one of those decorating pens to write letters on them, letters strategically chosen to spell things like: I quite like you and I feel like a cuddle. Just an idea!

Freelance Listener said...


Giant love heart cookies. The wave of the future

Anonymous said...

Never has a recipe been so entertaining! I read the whole thing and loved it all.

My favbourite bit: "just mix it until you get tired of mixing."

And I love the plastic bag trick! I shall remember that one.

Did you know that monkey has a blog? Well it does. It's here. But it only has one entry in it, and it's a bit rubbish. Ah well.

apprentice said...

Aw I love your British messages.
I'm sure he'll reasure this post like an embroidered Victorian card.

I found this chat up line on line, but you'd need a sodding big biscuit!:

"Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm a little concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we go to see a film, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stress and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mummy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

Lucy P said...

i was going to say something gruesome about the monkey falling into the food processor.

but I won't cos it's listening.

Ms Baroque said...

Apprentice, you'd need a large cake, I think!

Happy Dutch Valentine's Day, NWM!

Mr Farty said...

NWM - Jealous of the monkey's amazing talent at making cookies as big as himself. I promise not to post my recipe here, banoffee pie is a bit sickly. Some have suggested that I should just inject chloresterol directly into my veins and cut out the eating part, but where's the fun in that?

Yes indeed, Happy Valentine's Day!

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