Regular readers will be aware of the work of TwatBoy, my fuckwitted upstairs neighbour, and his hideous little flatmate, Fucking Cretin.
One of the many benefits of moving to Amsterdam (or so I thought), would be six weeks' respite from their endless stomping, bellowing, door slamming and crashing about. This, combined with being a good few hundred miles away from my astonishingly noisy, virtually retarded cat, would allow me to sleep for a whole night without being disturbed, possibly for the first time since TwatBoy moved in last September.
Or so I thought. But it is 5.23am and I am awake. For upstairs there lives TwatBoy's Dutch cousin, De Twat. He mainly enjoys running up and down his wooden floor (in clogs), jumping off his furniture, chasing his shrieking girlfriend around, bellowing and slamming his front door over and over again.
I have noticed a pattern. I sleep if I am in the country (French or English; either will do, although I suspect that General Countryside would be fine) or sharing a bed with a pathologist. But I can't move to the country, for I am Working In Amsterdam for a bit; pathologists are hard to come by (and pathologists I would share a bed with rare and precious indeed). Drugs are no good; warm milk and baths and all that are nice enough, but don't help much because getting off to sleep isn't a problem; I can't use earplugs, because I need to hear the alarm clock. Notes (polite or otherwise) usually serve only to exacerbate the problem, and I can't get a gun at this time of night.
I cannot be responsible for my actions. Does anyone know anything about Dutch law? I'm hoping for manslaughter on the grounds of diminished resposibility, which will be directly attributable to the fact that I HAVEN'T HAD MORE THAN THREE HOURS' SLEEP A NIGHT FOR WEEKS.
There is nothing funny about this at all. Nothing. Which is strange and unusual, and almost more disturbing than the fact that there is more than one TwatBoy in the world. I give up.
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8 comments:
Try putting your mobile on vibrate and under your pillow with earplugs in. Works great for me! Best of luck.
Pleading temporary insanity should get you a reduced sentence; perhaps you’ll be let off with community service. Anyway, allegedly, in the Netherlands the prisons and hotels are indistinguishable, and, in prison, you could write a bestselling prison memoir.
I rented a flat in Stuttgart where it was written into the contract that I was not allowed to flush the toilet or use water after 10 pm in the evening – out of respect for the neighbours. However, nothing can be done about the continental love of wooden floors and I have never seen a rental contract the prohibited the wearing of clogs. Unlike here in Australia, where if you want a wooden floor it has to be what they call a floating floor, where the boards are set on a spongy material that absorbs the sound.
This does not help now, I'm afraid, but the lesson for the future is always to live in top floor flats.
When I first moved to the country, I could not sleep for the cattle lowing and the owls hooting. Then the cocks crowed at dawn. I am used to it now.
I'd go with the earplugs and the vibrating alarm under the pillow.
I thought Brian had written 'leave your *Vibrator* under your pillow...' a bit more interesting as a distraction!
I usually bang the ceiling with an arrangement of tools, scream a lot, and get a hard-looking male friend or co-worker to shout threateningly from the hallway. Or, call the police as a 'kindly concerned neighbour' and say you think there's some domestic abusing going on upstairs.
Erm, 'die' is German. In Dutch it should be De Twat.
[/nitpick]
My advice is to just knock on his door with a bottle of wine and/or a joint and introduce yourself. After the bonding you can just casually let him know that his noise is bothering you.
I like the police and/or hard-looking friend idea.
Tell me, do you miss your batty cat?
T - a bit odd to open the door and not have him there, but no, I do not, at all. I really DON'T like him. Really.
Alwaysconfused - thank you (see post above). Really, thank you.
Morgan - Not violence! No,not that!
Tea and cake - cough.
Bryan - genius, it works. Tried it this morning.
Z - rather cows than Steppenwolf, let me tell you.
Tokyo Girl - don't even get me started on soundproofing floors. We'll be here all day.
May I also say that I like all the Dutch I have ever met very much (apart from one, but he was trying to arrest me), and that they are the most reasonable of people. That's partly why De Twat stands out so much. There is of course a high chance that he isn't Dutch at all. He is probably British.
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