All boys smell of hamsters. When a boy no longer smells of hamsters, he is A Man. Girls never smell of hamsters. (They smell of other things, I know, but you'll never meet a lady who smells of hamsters.) Girls don't smell of hamsters because they are not stupid. They know that if you want to dry your clothes, you do not stack them all up on top of each other and stuff them on a radiator. You space them out and let the warm air circulate. In that way, your clothes dry properly and you do not parade about the place with crispy jeans and t-shirts that smell like the bottom of a hamster's cage.
Although I am not a boy and am not (despite the fact of my short hair, which often causes people in restaurants to call me 'sir' until I turn round and they see my enbonpoint*) a man, I have a jersey that smells like it has been lining a hamster's cage for many months. I wash it; I dry it carefully; I wash it alone; I wash it with other things. I dry it on a rack, on a hanger, and draped directly over the radiator but all to no avail. It smells of hamsters all day and all night. It is a non-stop centre of Hamsterstench. A blind man would smell me coming and say, "Smell that? That's a first year Chemistry student at the University of Aston, that is. Someone get him a proper clothes drying rack, will they?".
Unlike "Beautiful Jersey With Weird Hooks and Eyes" and "Touch It, It's Cashmere, Black and You Want It" Jersey, Stinky Jersey cost £19.99 from Sainsbury's and was bought in a Panic. It is not made of wool. I think it is made of plastic. It does not wash well, it bobbled within a week and it stinks (of hamsters). It reminds me that it is better to save up the money of six Stinky Jerseys and get one "It's Black, Cashmere and You Want It" Jersey (in much the same way that it is better to save up twenty "It's such fun!" handbags and get one "Cunting hell, you could get a car for that" handbag).
These are dark days, my friends. I am showing my age. Any second now I will be telling you to moisturise twice a day. And yet I must face the truth: I am 37, like Radio 4, like kind Men (not boys that smell like hamsters), believe in Quality over Quantity, and cannot walk the streets smelling like a Chemistry undergraduate. Only one course of action remains: I must give Stinky Jersey up, and hope it meets its destiny as the lining of a slightly grubby hamster cage.
* At which point, if I am in France, they gather in the kitchen, point, and exclaim "Il y a du monde au balcon!" in amazed tones.
12 comments:
Donate stinky jersey to Monster the cat, it might suffocate in the plastic threads(if that's what they're called)and solve all the problems of trying to find someone to adopt it, the cat that is.
I've tried it. Even bloody Monster shuns it. Otherwise is brilliant idea.
So that's what hamsters smell like? I know the smell of mouse, rat, rabbit and small wet dog, as well as large hairy dog that has frolicked with chickens in a friendly way, but I have never sniffed a hamster.
You must associate with strange boys. I have never met any that smell of hamsters. Students smell kind of fusty I agree (there's nothing like a first year lecture on a damp winter morning) but not hamsters.
Maybe you are confusing hamsters with stick insects?
I have no idea what a hamster smells like. I've lead a sheltered life
Student accommodation smells of hamsters, because they never open the windows.
You could try a bit of vinegar in the rinsing water for that sweater, although there's always the risk you'll be mistaken for a pickled onion.
Hamsters smell like washing that hasn't been dried properly before being worn (not unlike the scent of a very old dishcloth) so Z, yes, yes.
If you have never smelt a hamster, that it what they smell like.
MM - rather pickled onion than a gigantic hamster.
Smelly old dishcloths - bacteria alert! Get out the bleach, but not such a good idea for clothes (unless you're looking for virgin-white). Just remembered, bicarbonate of soda might do it.
Or you could take the item(s) to the dry cleaners and have them give them a good wash and dry. Now, about the smell of your athletic shoes.....
Sadly, the cost of the item, coupled with the wear it has already suffered, would make it uneconomical to take to the cleaners. Best revert to the hamster cage option.
"Il y a du monde au balcon" is a fabulous expression, isn't it?
And boys - yes, there is something of the animal cage about their bedrooms.
A friend's son was known for having odiferous shoes when he was a teenager. Friends and I had to laugh when Morbier cheese was served at a party. We all separately commented that it smelled just like the teeenager's tennis shoes.
Post a Comment