Day 183: I Consider An Alternative Mode Of Travel

Regular readers will be aware that I have been unemployed for 183 days. Some may also be aware that my unemployment has been a relatively luxurious affair supported, as it has been, with enough money to buy crisps and a new hat every week.

But my dears! The temptation! It takes Effort not to fill one's days with family size packs of Revels, triple bills of Judge Judy and blog posts about squirrels, beavers and enormous plaster cocks. Sadly, my efforts have not always been successful, especially in matters of rodents (aquatic and otherwise) and Classical Genitalia.

I can however congratulate myself (and you may congratulate me too, if you wish), on my adherence to my revolutionary new diet and fitness plan*. It has led to considerable weight loss and increased fitness (particularly in the thigh area), for which I have rewarded myself with the odd afternoon of Murder She Wrote with the sound turned off whilst reading 50p novels from the charity shop. (A pleasure that can only be improved by the sure knowledge that Morse: 20 Year Anniversary is only twenty minutes away.)

But I am human (surprising though it is to hear it), and the Festive Period (inc. a wedding and Royal Colonial Visit from a self-haircutting Pathologist), has meant that my usual regime of daily three hour sessions at the gymnasium followed by macrobiotic air in a low-cal shake has fallen by the wayside. I have therefore been Taking Action over the last four days, star-jumping out of the front door in my Nike Air 360s as the sun rises, and eating food that can only be described as Healthy In Quite A Dull Way.

On Saturday, for example, I ate an entire cabbage for lunch, stir-fried with chili and garlic. In the evening, a chop and some courgettes, accompanied by some dark ale I found in the refrigerator (a treat after a Long Day working, consumed in front of a film with a man in it). The next day, thoughts - and my diet - turned to stews of pulses and brown basmati rice with a Healthy Accompaniment of broccoli. Porridge has been eaten, with a banana and a little honey. Apples and pears have been consumed, with some oatcakes. Salmon today, with Many Green Beans. And last night, to dinner with Friends! "We shall go and have a Mexican dinner", they cried, marching me off to a Fashionable Hoxton Venue. There, we ate spiced meats accompanied by raw shredded cabbage, re-fried beans and dark ale.

On Monday, I am going to Amsterdam to see a man about a job. I have ignored his secretary's repeated requests for information concerning my airport and carrier of choice, as Air Tickets will not be necessary. I shall be getting myself to the Netherlands using my own Special Propulsion Jet, a method of transport that I am sure you will all agree is the Environmentally Friendly Choice: low on carbon emissions whilst making constructive use of natural methane gasses.


* It's a fucking sensation. It is called "The Eat Less and Move Around More" diet. I confidently predict it will be sweeping the nation by May. In fact, I'll be astonished if The Daily Mail aren't on the blower offering me an 8-page Bikini Diet Get Fit For Easter Pullout Special Feature (sponsored by Avon) by Thursday.