The days have passed and things have happened since the spot came. It was a spot I did not want, for this weekend I need to look pretty and like a lady, and not spotty and like an idiot. And joy! For this morning - the morning of the most special of days, the marriage of my best friend - the spot has diminished to a simple pink bump, easily camouflaged with the help of the Great Cosmetic Houses of Europe (and America). I rather think things are looking up. The most special of all the visitors arrived from the Canada on Friday with few mishaps, despite it taking two hours to get through customs (detained because of his suspiciously American hair, exotically-stamped passport and mobile animal pathology kit), and brought with him gifts of such loveliness (including twelve Moist Towelettes from St Hubert, the epicentre of Culinary Excellence), that I was quite speechless. The dress I am to wear was delivered by a dear friend and it is really quite good; London is bearable as not full of thrusting idiots; the speech I am to make is virtually written, despite the appalling advice of a book called "How To Write A Wedding Speech", which suggests the following as an opening line:
"Did anyone see that polar bear walk by just now? No? Shame, because they're such terrific ice-breakers".
Happily, if making the speech is terrifying and I sweat in my frock, I have the towelettes of St Hubert (patron saint of precision instrument makers, mad dogs, smelters and roast chicken) to keep me cool, and the alternative opening line of:
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your kind applause. Not for the first time today do I rise from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand...".
This is not funny, in any way! Even if delivered with irony! I suspect they may "raise a smile" in the outskirts of Slough, but otherwise I am puzzled and note with interest that the book does not give the author's name. I cannot think why this would be.
Now I am off to brush my dress down and finish the speech. And then I will pray to St Hubert and hope that he keeps mad dogs away from me, at least until tomorrow morning.
9 comments:
Dear NWM, I'm sure the day will go swimmingly! I note that London has its best weather in WEEKS. I will think kind thoughts.
When you get back and have drunk several large glasses of water, taken your Nurofen and had an Alka-Seltzer, you will find that I have tagged you. Seven successes of 2006. I very much hope to see your wedding speech on your list, but only of course if it goes well. Which I'm sure it will.
I'm sure you will do well, because I clearly remember the frock, and I think it would be damn near impossible to be awkward in such a frock.
You go girl!
You'll be fab! I'm sure the speech will hit all the right notes, although I must say the loo paper joke did make me laugh, but I'm north of Watford.
I'm north of Wester Hailes and I'm stealing the loo paper joke for my daughter's wedding, she can't stay single 4 eva (as she would put it).
Happy New Year And That.
Oh! Toilet paper! NOW I get it!
NWM,
You were fab, if not actually the best on the night.
And in retrospect, I think you could have got away with the "second time rising from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand" line, particularly given the liberal smattering of "poo" jokes elsewhere...
:-)
The Cake-makers husband
The great thing about making speeches at weddings is that the guests are legally obliged* to laugh, no matter how poor the jokes are. Also, they are all drunk, so you can do toilet humour with impunity. Happy New Year!
* I'm fairly sure this is true. Probably.
It was funny to see the St Hubert logo. Haven't been there in ages. The # 3 combo always does it for me. Nothing like dipping the fries in the sauce. Yum. Oh but it's naughty. Shouldn't be indulged in too often. My hips don't like it.
I hope you've recovered by now from the stress of the wedding speech.
For those interested in the frock:I must tell you all that the frock was delicious but weighed over 3kgs and was made of navy blue wool crepe lined with cotton, so was JOLLY HOT. I had a double strand of pearls (fake, but old fake, so effective) and a Bracelet of Pearl and Gold to go with my (original) 50s handbag. And a black and navy blue velvet Georgina von Etzdorf wrap. The dress made me feel like a girl and had large Skirts.
For those interested in the speech: For once in my life I wrote it and thought about it. Most of it got in; the boring bit was left out; I was shaking so much the best man had to hold my bit of paper; I had one prop; it was over in TWO MINUTES. Apparently it was OK but that was only because it was really short I reckon.
Cake Maker's Husband! You are a DISGRACE! Please give all my love to the Cake-Maker and tell her I think she looked really lovely and am not sure I told her so. See you both soon.
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