This morning I ran wailing into my parents' bedroom. I am 37! Why am I doing this at my age, wearing red brushed cotton pyjamas with my hair standing on end, trailing a teddy bear*?
I know Christmas was on Monday and that there are no more stockings and yet I am shouting FUCK! and Virtually Weeping and my mother is cuddling me and the dogs are jumping up and down like they are on springs, licking my hands and making dog noises, and my father is saying WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I CANNOT SEE WHAT YOU MEAN! WHERE? WHERE?
"Monkeymother! Why is there the Isle of Man on my head?"
God Knows I have had to put up with Ghastly and Untimely Issues during my growing up, e.g. being 5ft 8 when everyone else was 4ft 8, or looking 25 when I was 15, or my hair virtually falling out or getting REALLY FAT REALLY SUDDENLY, but I have NEVER had spots! Ever! Even now I have few lines and clear skin! I can stand my face being looked at in really, really strong light without wincing (which is not bad for 37, even if the rest of me is probably best kept in semi-darkness).
But this weekend I need to look pretty. Not 'would like to' look pretty; NEED to look pretty. And I have a spot! If I am right, it is the bi-annual Spot that pops up somewhere, anywhere, unexpectedly. Nothing happens for ages and then a throbbing lump appears. People mutter about Boils. I say There Will Be No Pus!, and there never is. It hurts, and then it goes as mysteriously as it came. And I have it today, right in the middle of my forehead. I think it winked at me earlier.
I am taking those fuckers at Giant Toblerone to court, and when I have finished with them I will be suing Lindt Chocolate Father Christmas. Then I will be seeking compensation from All The Cheese In The World.
In the meantime, I am not touching it, applying Origins' Spot Remover every hour and trying on Enormous Hats. Any ideas gratefully received, bearing in mind a) there will be no pus; b) it is on my forehead; c) it needs to be gone by 4pm on Saturday at the very latest; d) I have sensitive skin; e) it is very fucking big and f) people are talking to it, and not me.
* I made up the teddy bear, but was trying to sound Pitiful.
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8 comments:
In my family, we apply toothpaste to the offending Spot, leaving it there as long as possible, and are usually, not always, but usually rewarded with a serious shrinkage of said Spot to miniscule size.
Best of luck, Dear Monkey.
wash with antibacterial soap, rinse well,dab of zinc oxide and leave it on for a few hours. Toothpaste works and your skin smells minty fresh but the paste can really tingle/burn.
With your tiny monkey hands and a mirror, paint a couple of trees, a meadow and a little babbling brook on it. Then call it a beauty spot.
Failing that, try all-out thermonuclear war.
Best of luck.
ach, you poor thing, this is just not fair - steam your face, lashings of tea tree oil and TCP on the bastard boil - don't squeeze it no matter how tempting . . . and don't use dettol, i did this a few years ago and my lips peeled for days.
A rhombus of ice, directly on the facial eruption, pushed forcefully until the ice has melted.
But you must be barefoot in a glade at full moon.
I have no idea what on earth I'm talking about. Buy some Clearasil.
Sulphuric acid. Apply generously to forehead and spot will vanish.
Witch hazel. Tea tree oil. If you're using Origins it probably has them alrady in it.
Good luck, Monkey!
But wait! Canadian Monkey Hat to the rescue! This will easily cover even the largest of spots and also provide a conversational topic. You are Saved.
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